A heart is a heart,...

... in any language.

Been a long week for me. Ugh! ;)

I have had SO much to do! Well, it is over for now anyway, yea? That is a good thing. I may go to NYC this weekend just to get away. Not sure at the moment. I am thinking more on the "I will not go" side right now.

I really need to get out and get some images. I know that it brings so much Peace to my heart. Trust me, my heart needs it. My soul needs kissed.

Curious, someone told me yesterday, while sitting beside me on a sofa, "You are gorgeous, Cher. This is one of those moments that I will never forget. This moment speaking to you. Your personality is so cool. You know, you meet people at parties and places like that. And the next day, you forget a lot of them. But you, well, you are unique. I will not forget you"

I forget my answer. I think it was a bratty one, like "I know." And I laughed. (Well, I then thanked them, of course. But I had to joke a little, yes?) They smiled.

Hmm,... I remember thinking, "Whatever." I mean, I am having some serious trust issues at the moment, and I just do not believe much anymore. I guess actions, for me, speak louder than words. More now than ever. Not only that, it is also the fact that when told I was beautiful by someone these last few weeks, I wonder if those words were true. ... Or perhaps just to bring me a smile. (I think they used to be true in March or so.)

Gosh, I want to believe they still really think that. Not that I need to be told how I am, it is just that I need to feel words as much as hearing them. Maybe it is because I am a writer. Maybe it is because I am a brat. Perhaps it is for some other reason. Who knows.

Random thought: Why do so many people leave? Well, not a lot of people, but the ones that I need and love, like my sister and others? Why? It makes it so hard to breathe. So very hard.

In other news, I felt sick last night. In fact, I had a hard time sleeping. Then I was called into work very late. I am home now, but I am on my way to an appointment.

Last night seemed to be the longest night of my life. I spoke to a colleague and read some information. Afterwards, I went to the restroom and prayed. I prayed for so much. Mostly, I prayed for air. The one person that I know who really cares, is God. So, I had to unload my heart to him.

I just feel like collapsing. My heart hurts. It has endured much more than anyone deserves. Perhaps it is what I deserve.

I guess it is all inside. I mean, it depends on how much you care, yea? The more you care, the more your heart will hurt. That is why I am starting to believe that a heart of stone is much better than the one I have inside my chest. At least that way, no one can get inside. Not at all. Well, not without a hammer. And, the ones that are deep within my heart already,... will remain forever.

I am now running late, and I am rambling on here. I have about 15 minutes to get to my appointment! (Yes, I am that bratty!!!)

So, a big hug for you all. Sorry for any typos, but I have no time to worry about such things at the moment. Have a nice day. xo

-Cher

His Song

On the sands, dusk will not appear for minutes.
But outward, where the waters lift themselves,
light has already begun to fade.

There are no dwellers, no sounds, no one singing
spring songs. The only sound is my voice–subtle
beside the edge of the open sea–

(now and then, a stray sigh of zephyr that brushes
the crag, stirring the limbs of trees, before
slipping off into the horizon).

It is May, and the shores, which will be full
in June, allowing joyful tourists to bask in
the warm sun, are quiet as though they have
never known the stain of a heart blown away.

It seems like years since you have wanted me.
And I cannot wake you tonight to plead for
a heart that has forgotten my smile–this will,
the strength of pulse-tide, holds me at bay.

And I cannot breathe. It is as though I had sung
a thousand books of poetry, solemn as the seasons
that have long since gone.

For an second I pause, fingers holding auburn
curls behind an ear– (I thought I heard you call
out my name, but it is only the vibration
of a soul sinking into the sand).

I bring with me a journal of leather, and a new verse
for you, my love. But my sight, blurs through salted
lashes–this place is murder.

And I feel your Spanish eyes. I recall how they smiled
beautifully, when needing me. They must now be wet,
for I have lost you within the fog. I could never have
hung onto anything that good. Forgive me.

Dusk has fallen, and the ocean currents begin to still.
Above the crag, an evening star pulsates in a solitary
dance for the hopeful. A melody composed from
the hands of an angel.

Night draws in.

The cold wind surrounds me, as tears begin to fall
again against my skin, and into my once full hands.
It feels terribly autumn.

I begin the path home on my own, carrying your words
huddled close to my chest, the distant sounds of warm
laughter, and the prayer that you might adore me
again someday.

... they are all I have to hold onto.


*Draft II

Breath of Life

I woke to the sound of Mathew's songs. He sits in a tree outside my flat and seems to be ringing in the beautiful new day. I am listening to Vivaldi, as well. I believe it is, "Violin concerto in a minor".

Sadly, I am on my way out. The good thing is that no matter where I go today, the morning's Peace will follow.

I will read to the children this morning. I am really looking forward to that. Gosh, just to feel their warmth, is but a gift. Even though the entire unit is nothing but ill children, there is always a sense of hope there. To volunteer some of your time to others is very rewarding indeed.

Afterwards, I stop at my work for a quick meeting, call my doctor, and buy some cat food for the terrors that reside in my flat with me. (By the way, Benedict has bitten through the antenna on my stereo.) Odd, I am starting to believe he is a mouse! ;)

Yesterday afternoon was a nice one. I had a beautiful conversation with laughter and tears. The best thing to come from it,... the closing of the conversation with smiles. :) Smiles can do so much to the soul.

If I could, I would be playing the piano right in this moment. - Random thought.

I found a penny yesterday. They say if you throw it over your shoulder and make a wish, it will come true. Well, I did, but it hit my head. What would that mean? :o

Oh, and I found this excellent band! I really recommend them.



Haha! (Sorry, I had to be a brat at least once!)

Well, I hope you all have a most wonderful and peaceful day. Sending you such a big hug from the bottom of my heart.

-Cher

Questionnaire:

What is your middle name?
May

Have you ever kissed an ex?
No

Would you?
No

What color are your eyes?
Sometimes dark brown. Sometimes a lighter brown.

Are you a good person?
Hmm,... I try my best to be. I make many mistakes.

Do you believe in god?
With all my heart.

What kind of flowers do you like?
I adore all nature. It is peaceful to me.

What kind of t.v. do you own?
Philips

What kind of cell phone?
One that dislikes tears. ;)

What kind of car or truck do you own?
Audi

Do you change your own oil in it?
Ummm,... I do not know how to do that. And, what an odd question!

What kind of computer?
Compaq

What kind of job do you have?
A wonderful one.

Do you like your job?
Absolutely.

Do you have any pets?
Hmm,... not sure they are pets! ;)

What's your favorite time of year?
Autumn

Do you miss someone right now?
I miss many people. I do miss a certain "somebody" though. :)

What are you wearing?
Jeans and a white blouse.

Do you like to be barefoot?
Yep :)

Are you now?
No

Do you believe in dating more than one person at a time?
No

Have you ever cheated on anything? A lover? A test?
No. No. No.

Have you ever stolen anything?
Hmmm,... I do not think so. Maybe a heart or two ;)

Last question:
If you could be anywhere right now, where would you go?
My soul is already there. That is sufficent for me at the moment. :)

The scent of coconut/lime fills the air...

Today has begun. The sounds of people on their way to work, come in through the window, mixing with music and the scent of coconut/lime, filling my warm flat sweetly.

I sit here, coffee in hand, preparing my appointments for the week. (... I have to take a 2 hr ride today for something.) I woke with sharp pains in my chest. Not sure from which point they came from anymore. My heart is sore, sad, and such.

I sent a prayer to the sky yesterday. I prayed for the most important things. One thing was a kiss to my heart. I suppose it could be like a jump start. (You know, when an automobile's battery has weakened and you need something to bring it back to life?) Or perhaps just a soft cuddle to make it smile? Not sure at the moment my exact words or thoughts as I prayed. I guess I was frightened.

I recall being frightened about something one night. Victor stayed on the phone with me for most of the night. That is the kind of person he is. And on the one year anniversary of my sister's death, he had plans for that weekend, but canceled to stay with me and hold my hand. He never let go of my hand either.

He has the power to take my breath away one moment, (in a good way)... and make it so I cannot breathe the next. Of course, the second would never be on purpose, be sure.

A random thought: (completely off topic... )

I begin my new position this week. I know it will be something really great. I smile to myself thinking of holding other's hands. I smile hoping that I can make a difference in other's lives. I will hug them all.

It takes a lot to get me overworked or stressed during my profession. So, I know my patience will be as it always is,... calm and with heart.



Anyway, not sure if I feel sad at the moment. I just know that I will not allow it to take over my day today. I know this, because the sun is shining on my bare shoulders right now as I type. It is a sort of hug to the soul, I guess. One that leaves no room for a frown. It is in this very moment, when I must lean further into its light, take a deep breath, and make this day a good one. (Not just for me, but for all who cross my path in any way.)

Sending a very big hug to you all.

-Cher

... rosaries, and the soul.

I just returned from two appointments, and picking up required papers for my career. Curious how one can hear voices in their mind from past conversations, but cannot make out the words. That part is done, paperwork signed, and one heart going up against the world. We will see what happens. Am I frightened? Only a select few know when I am really fearful. I like it that way, I think.

(Curious how one can heal so many wounds in others. How one can bring smiles to the ill, and kiss their tears away with gentle hands. But one cannot mend their own broken heart.) - Random thought.

You know, I am far from perfect. In fact, I have so much that I need to change. Once realizing this, I am on the path to becoming who I really am. That is a good thing. It is never too late to make mistakes lessons. And within that, a part of the past. (Forgiveness is the key, yes?) "A feather trail to a better way..."

Anyway, this morning while on the phone, the sky opened up once again from gray, to blue. It did this right above my flat. That is the second time in two days. And, not only did it open, but it did as soon as the first "Ciao" was spoken. (This time I have images.) Well, I once again sent a mental image through the phone. It was indeed a photograph from within the soul.





I told them that they must be a conductor. That they played a symphony within the sky. We spoke on many subjects, none without a bit of laughter and warm words. Afterward, some of the most precious piano music was played. And as one tear fell against my cheek, I smiled. I really, really smiled.

-Cher

Listening to music and the rain

Yesterday morning, after one phone call with a friend, I stood at my window while on the phone again (not the same person). We listened to the birds sing. Then we heard this bird who always used to sing when we spoke. We decided to name him. I chose "Mathew".

We counted trees, and spoke about the many different types. I said how it felt like autumn. They assured me it was indeed spring.

The sounds of our voices and the sounds of spring, were comforting. Everything was damp from a previous rain, and seemed calm. We laughed, spoke of past times, and sent soul hugs. Well, he said he would send his soul if he could. But it is already here, intertwined with mine.

Then, last evening while on the phone, the sky opened up and a bright light shone through the trees. The rest of the sky was very black and stormy. During this, the rain kept on. I should have taken a photograph. I did send a mental image through the phone, so they could see what my eyes were seeing.

Curious, my eyes have been so wet themselves, I wonder how they can see anything. If I could see one thing right now,... it would be the ocean. I would sit before it and stare out for hours. Just to feel the salty air through my hair, would be like another soul hug. (Just a random thought.)

Today is a big day for me. I finally reached something I have striven for since I can remember. I will miss it. (2 doctor's appointments that I just found out about. One appointment was supposed to be early today, but has been moved to my 1pm again.)

One second I would not miss my big day, now I will. Eh. I know that I am being vague. Sorry for that. I am not really in the mood to write in here at the moment. I had it open since last night, but fell asleep at 9pm! I slept all through the night. I needed it. Curious, now I feel extremely sleepy!

Tomorrow hopefully will go smoothly. If not, well I do not know. (I will be in Philadelphia.)

It is raining today, as well. I miss Stefan tremendously. I feel like going for a walk, but am still in my pajamas. Seriously, I just cannot get moving today.

Well, I must get more coffee and get into the shower. Today is here.

A big hug,

Cher

May 18th

Today is my sister's birthday. The day is quiet and gray. I miss her. Sometimes I wonder why God took her from us. She was so beautiful. I wish she were here to hold me.

Today is my 2nd day alone. No more "I love you"s. No more laughter. Over 1300 love letters sent from his heart, now dangle in the breeze like a torn ribbon. So many videos, 198 SMSs, voice mail, images, voice recordings, and gifts, falling to the ground like a cluster of leaves. What do I do with them?

I guess I pack them away within my heart. So deep that I cannot feel them anymore. I place them where I placed the images of my sister during her funeral.

Last night I went to one his photography sites, and just sat there. Finally, I left him this:

"Just sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, and having so much to do. Do you realize this is the first time that we have not spoken within a 24 hour period? Everything seems off balance. As I type, I am looking at the moon through the window beside my desk (you know which window). Have you seen how big it is tonight? It reminds me of an autumn moon. I guess, it just feels cold or odd, or something. It seems to be shining down on my skin. Anyway, I know you had a big day today, and I figure it best to leave some warm wishes, before I go. So, I really hope it went nicely,... and of course, with smiles. Cher"

Posted 13 hours ago. I think it was all I could type through tears. I did not even roam around. I just sat there for what seemed like hours.



(Something he made for me last year.)

I recall how he phoned me a few weeks ago from Spain. He was with his family, and walked away just to call and say he loves me. To say that he wishes I were there. To say that he needs me.

I asked him Friday, (the last time we spoke) how he was going to live without me. He said he did not know. He cried hard when I told him that he would not ever hear my voice again, because I would not call him anymore. I asked him why he was crying so much. He said, "Because it hurts so much." I said I did not understand that. I mean, he was leaving me. How could his heart hurt like mine? He chose this path. He told me he was giving up.

I trusted him. I truly believed him when he said on Tuesday, " Cher, I believe we will make it through. Not hope or pray, but believe. And I believe firmly." It was a lie. I asked him. I cannot remember what he said about it. But obviously, it was a lie. You know, I never thought he lied. I told him that. All he could say, was sorry.

(I just need to get some of this stuff out, as to heal. And this is my blog/diary.)

I sent him a rosary. He received it on Thursday. It was beautiful. It had Pope Benedict on it. I told him that 2 of the people I adore would be together this way. That, each time he held it, I would smile. He said the first time used it, it would be for me. I guess it will be a prayer of hope. The thing is, I do not believe in it anymore. I have lost all faith in good things.



(An image I took last fall.)

My heart is fading. I feel no more poetry. I only feel terribly autumn.

Updates and other fine things ;)

Ciao, ciao!



(An image I took.) :) Flowers are always good for a smile!

Updates are as follows:

(Haha!)

Well, had an inservice over the weekend. It was quite a good one. The one thing I always feel when going to these is that they are repetitive. I have been to the OSHA one at least 15 times!!! ;) But this one was quite interesting. It lasted about an hour, and it was mainly on universal precautions. What I like about this one is that the video is so funny!!! We all laugh and laugh at the actors!! ;)

So, yeah, that was fun. :) (Eh, I am a brat. What else is new.) :)

Moving on:

Today was long and exhausting. Clinical fun that is killing all living things inside me. Almost finished with that, thank God! It is so cold today too! Victor made sure I was wrapped as an onion when I went out. I am grateful, because I can catch a cold so easily. I am already a bit sick with something similar to a cold in my sinuses.

I had a test done today, also had my hair done, eye brows waxed, and a peer and I used a local agent to numb my toe, as to cut out a lump in-between my toes using a scalpel. (An anatomical dissection, you might say!) Hey, we are experienced! :) (Ok, 2 people who would pass out over this information? Raha, one of my best friends and a podiatrist, and of course, Victor!) Haha! Everyone else would most definitely cheer us on! But what we really need is a lab rat. Anyone want to offer themselves for our cause? ;)

Really, it did not hurt so much. But I am oh so waiting to cut something from her now! Anyway, an interesting day indeed! And it will get better at 7pm. (Long story.)... and yes, I am like the Energizer rabbit; I just keep going! Trust me, I will sleep so well tonight! :)

Victor sent me something in the mail. I smiled so much! You all know how I like his image that I added to my blog here last year? (I will add the image again.) Well, he had it put onto a shirt for me and sent it to my home. So sweet! I love it a lot. I will wear it so many times when the weather warms.

(He also sent me a photography book with his images, and a dedication to me in the cover! It brought tears to my eyes.) What a sweetheart! I love him! :)



That image is my most favorite out of all I have ever seen (including my own). :)

(Grazie, bambino!)

So, I am having a busy, but productive day! And all along it? I seem to be smiling no matter what. I am glad.

Anyway, I am on the phone with my friend, Auggie (he just called, and I am finding that I am losing my train of thought here), so I will leave this blog for now.

Have a wonderful week! :)

Cher

p.s. thank you for all the email, comments, hugs, and well wishes! I appreciate it!!

Like a bird in the wind

It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Although I feel a bit exhausted, I feel alive. I smile as I write this. I smile because no matter what I happen to go through, it always ends up alright.

I am being held tightly by the arms of an angel. (Lo que me da fuerza para seguir adelante es el deseo de ser mejor cada dia, y poder hacer algo por los demas.) ;)

Hmmm,... to update:

Still extremely happy inside my heart. Still working towards the future. And, still a brat! :)



(Or so they say!) ;)

I have been finishing up my next book. It should be ready by the end of May. It all depends on the translations. :) I am grateful over the coming of this last book. I feel it is an in depth look inside my heart. There will be plenty of new poems, sentiments, and one of Victor's photographs as the cover. (I chose the particular one for its purity and color of Life.) It is an honor, be certain.

I will add one of the newer pieces here later this week.

I really want to give back to the world in so many ways. I want everyone to feel beautiful inside and out. Most of all, to carry faith. And from within that, the heart light shines. It defines beauty.

When I see it in others, a soft smile forms on my lips. :):):)



Opening your arms to others in need, is one of the most rewarding things in Life. Like a bird in the wind, not only do you soar, but you become the wings for others. There is no better way to give. There is no better way to hug the soul.

Cher