Don't be surprised

I have grown sooooooooooo bored of it all. I am not kidding. I need excitement to function well. even photography. and that poem? first one since last year. that is how "unexcited" I have become. I need something to bring me to my knees. I have even forgotten what butterflies feel like. odd, yea?

secret? not many understand why I was gone. sigh. but, I am healthy for good. (not sick as in any sort of mind state.) I have been in and out of the hospital. no worries, I am a rebel. :) I can handle anything on my own.

I am back now... I can honestly say that my heart ached being away from my friends. I get very quiet when it comes to being sick and such. now that it is over, I have to repair what has been broken. not sure I have it in me.

not sure I know how.

a few know how I feel and just waited my return.. never underestimating my friendship. grazie. others? they feel rejected, ignored, never knowing how my heart ached. I think for those, the ones that no matter what words I had ever said, felt I had deserted them... I just do not know. my energy is spent. does no one mean what they say anymore? I do. if I have spoken to you about how I feel towards you, know it to be a true feeling. I try to be as good as a friend as I can. no matter where I go or how far I may be, that feeling remains.

I just do not want to feel as if I have done anything wrong. for those who wrote, I left right after thanksgiving, only jumping online at the library when possible. I came back in feb and have not been online at all. not once. my mum did a few things for me, like logging into a few places so my accounts stayed active.

for those who sent birthday wishes, holiday and such to my yahoo account, I am truly sorry--I rarely check that address. I never knew.

yes, I was gone and I never meant to be, but if not that then what? it would always be a feeling of pulling toward me what I need near. should it not already be there warming me? through anything? not just with one person, but a few. I am a friend once and always... I do not quickly change my heart each day. my feet are much more grounded than that.

I truly, truly love you with all I have. all of you. next time I go away, please keep that with you. please do not make me suffer when I return. please do not make me chase you. honestly, I will not. I never felt the urge to chase anyone. moments pass much too quickly, should we not just enjoy them?

sorry for the rant. like I said, in an odd sorts today. hugs.