Posts
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.
There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.
I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now,
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.
Falling
As the world falls down.
*david bowie.
just wanted to share such lovely lyrics.
I am listening to La Valse D'Amelie right now. I highly recommend it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
As the World Falls Down
Don't be surprised
I have grown sooooooooooo bored of it all. I am not kidding. I need excitement to function well. even photography. and that poem? first one since last year. that is how "unexcited" I have become. I need something to bring me to my knees. I have even forgotten what butterflies feel like. odd, yea?
secret? not many understand why I was gone. sigh. but, I am healthy for good. (not sick as in any sort of mind state.) I have been in and out of the hospital. no worries, I am a rebel. :) I can handle anything on my own.
I am back now... I can honestly say that my heart ached being away from my friends. I get very quiet when it comes to being sick and such. now that it is over, I have to repair what has been broken. not sure I have it in me.
not sure I know how.
a few know how I feel and just waited my return.. never underestimating my friendship. grazie. others? they feel rejected, ignored, never knowing how my heart ached. I think for those, the ones that no matter what words I had ever said, felt I had deserted them... I just do not know. my energy is spent. does no one mean what they say anymore? I do. if I have spoken to you about how I feel towards you, know it to be a true feeling. I try to be as good as a friend as I can. no matter where I go or how far I may be, that feeling remains.
I just do not want to feel as if I have done anything wrong. for those who wrote, I left right after thanksgiving, only jumping online at the library when possible. I came back in feb and have not been online at all. not once. my mum did a few things for me, like logging into a few places so my accounts stayed active.
for those who sent birthday wishes, holiday and such to my yahoo account, I am truly sorry--I rarely check that address. I never knew.
yes, I was gone and I never meant to be, but if not that then what? it would always be a feeling of pulling toward me what I need near. should it not already be there warming me? through anything? not just with one person, but a few. I am a friend once and always... I do not quickly change my heart each day. my feet are much more grounded than that.
I truly, truly love you with all I have. all of you. next time I go away, please keep that with you. please do not make me suffer when I return. please do not make me chase you. honestly, I will not. I never felt the urge to chase anyone. moments pass much too quickly, should we not just enjoy them?
sorry for the rant. like I said, in an odd sorts today. hugs.
Hide tides
ok, I am finally back. I must say, I am so far behind with everything. if you have sent me an email, please be patient.
my trip was most satisfying. I must have collected 100lbs of sea glass. not sure what I will do with it. I spent a lot of time beside the sea gathering my thoughts, healing from my sister's death, and shooting images.
I came across some wonderful scenes in Newport, on Goat Island, Sabin's Point, and such. I must confess that I am very disorganized at the moment--my images are all over the place. I also have them on Cds and on another computer that is now in my storage. as time passes, I will gather them and post the scenes that captured my heart.
Congrats to my friend, Patrick Carrington on his new chapbook release, Thirst, winner of Codhill Press’ 2006 Poetry Chapbook Prize. Patrick Carrington teaches creative writing in New Jersey and is the poetry editor for the art and literary journal Mannequin Envy (www.mannequinenvy.com). His poetry has appeared in The Connecticut Review, The Potomac Review, Rattle, The Evansville Review, and many other journals. Rise, Fall, and Acceptance (MSR Publishing, 2006), his first full collection, is available at Main St. Rag's online bookstore (www.mainstreetrag.com).
you can order a copy and see how talented he is here:
http://www.codhill.com/
I will jump back into my IBPC position and attempt to get The Versifier back up to 500 posts a day. I am also beginning school again soon and changing my work hours to weekend doubles--7am to 11pm on sat & on sun.
on another note, from east to west: bicoastal verse (print edition #1) is out. I am honored to be a part of such a wonderful group.
The print is a lively selection from three years of featured poets at the journal "from east to west: bicoastal verse" including Jack Anders, Coleen Shin, John Sweet, April Ossmann, James Lineberger, Jalina Mhyana, Tara Birch, Terry Lucas, PJ Nights, Tammy Trendle, Valentina Bonnaire, Dorothy D. Mienko, AnnMarie Eldon, Chris Crittenden, Kerri Rochelle, Tasha Klein, Wendy Howe, Jill Chan, Jennifer VanBuren, Craig Kirchner, Jenni Russell, Edward J. O’Brien, Cherilyn Ferroggario, Paul Adrian Mabelis, Gary Lawless, Christine Kiefer, Neil C. Leach, Jr., Graeme Mullen, Sarah Wilson, Ray Sweatman, Tom Blessing, Yolanda Calderon-Horn, and George Wallace. Pj and Ray have done a splendid job. congrats to them.
you can pick up a copy here:
http://www.lulu.com/content/779500
I appreciate the email, well wishes, and just plain happy letters that fill my inbox. it make me very warm to know that what I do can make others smile. to see some of my new work, please go to my Live Digital site. I have only posted a few; I am on wireless as of saturday and my reception likes to go low at certain times. I try to do what I can.
In an odd mood today, really.
* a poem I am working on. it is only in it's 2nd draft. it is not about any certain someone... just a piece. anyway, I am going to have some rice krispies and get some things done. have a wonderful day.
[like a sonata clinging to the skin]
draft II
I dream underwater, where we
are fingertip to fingertip
against
a calming sea.
I dream in color of black and white,
of photographs, like clouds
pressed into a noon-day sky.
I dream of nightfall, where
a somber breeze warms the air,
where the images de-
scend to scattered streetlamps,
exposing this dream,
our bodies, the moon
almost perfectly.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Point Pleasant, NJ
What a year
not sure how I feel today. I have to get my license switched (I am moving out of state the day before thanksgiving) and some other things today. sadly, I will not be celebrating either my birthday or thanksgiving this year. my flat is full of boxes and I am so exhausted in every way.
what a year this has been, yea?
I want to thank all the lovely people that gave their well wishes. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many warm people.
I have been spending much of my time here:
http://ferroggiaro.livedigital.com/
it seems to keep my mind occupied at the moment.
I plan on sitting on the beach next week and getting some writing done. I have not done much as of late. I might even send some submissions out sometime in january. most of my recent pieces were asked for by a few publishers - some I submitted.
I have run across some of the greatest editors this year. one editor worked with me on a piece until it was in tip-top shape. I am forever grateful to him (thank you, patrick).
anyway, I have sat here and stared at this entry for over an hour. I suppose I am just not up to adding one. I will anyway. I wish you all a wonderful and warm holiday. xo
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Scorpio [me]
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest people are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they are one of a kind.
hmm... the fearless (and prob more) I would have to disagree with. I am a scorpio and I found out this past week - I am also a fraidy cat. I do not like to be that way. I wish I were stronger. I have not written a thing in days either - I hope I can gather my thoughts enough to write. I do not want to write of my sister - I want to let her memory rest a bit. I am tired of talking about it. is that bad? I dunno, but it does not mean I do not miss her; my heart feels as if it has been ripped open. and my birthday is less than a month away - all I want is peace.
anyway, gnite.
Photos
A few shots I took - an older one of my sister is at the end. I will add more later. (this is not even a quarter of our family.)
Jessica & Tiphanie
My 2 beautiful nieces:
I shot these photos while I was there. (Jessie is too cute - always trying to hide her braces.)
The funeral
on wed evening, I flew into Charleston, S.C.. I was the last one to arrive. the wake was earlier that day. the funeral would be the following day. when I arrived at my sister's house it was packed with people. my mum ran up to me and held me tight. I wanted to cry, but did not. after saying hello to everyone, one of my brothers and I sat up until 4 am talking. I did not venture to far into my sister's house, but to my room upstairs to put my bags down. I woke the next day and talked a bit before getting ready for a family dinner at the church. there were tons of my sister's friends that made a huge southern meal for us. I did not eat much and during this, I had to leave with my sister mary to the restroom. I had tears pouring down my cheek and could no longer hide them. we went back to our table and after a bit, we went outside.
I took a few photos while out there. after a bit, my mum and I went to see my sister. we went into the sanctuary and the entire room was full - even the balconies. it was v quiet. my mum kissed my sister and began to cry. she left with someone to go talk as I stood over my sister. I had not seen her for 2 summers. my mum had said how beautiful she was. no... I did not think so. she looked like a mannequin to me. her hair was swept over to one side to hide some damage and her expression scared me a bit. I guess her daughters picked out a dress, but it was too see-through (she had to have her arms packed since they were v damaged). I caressed her hand and began to cry.
I do not know how long I stood there. I forgot about the people in there - they were so quiet as they sat in their rows.
I chose the wrong shoes and could barely walk. I went and sat on a bench, fixed my shoes and met everyone in the conference room. we talked and then went to see her again. her daughter, Jessica (who saw my sister get hit by the truck) cried as she looked down at her mum. my mum comforted her. we all saw my sister for the last time and took our seats in the front row. it was a bit dark in the sanctuary, but as the violin began, a strand of sunlight came through the stained glass and lit up our family - it was v odd, but warm.
my sister was vice president of the booster club, an active church goer, a 4th grade language/arts teacher, and held huge bonfire parties each year. she was loved by many. her family has dinner prepared for weeks to come by her friends, a million cards and prayers, and a lot of love. I think they will be ok. being surrounded by so many was good for them - I am sure it will hit them this week, though. I wish I could help. Jessica graduates high school this year and my sister should be there.
anyway, after the service, we lined up, and crowds came by to hug us and such. then it was over. the hearse drove her away. her hair would be cut for "locks of love" (she grew it past her waist for just that), she would be prepared for her urn, and come home to her family. we went back to my sister's, where we all talked until 2 am.
the next day we went for a drive, I took photos of family, and I prepared for my flight. as the plane flew away, I cried and blew my sister a kiss. I will always love her and I wish I could have taken her place. I wish I had shown her my poetry. I wish a lot.
since my sister's death, I am the oldest and have to be strong for my family. not so sure I am the right one for that. since my sister's death, I have not spoken to a lot of people, I am losing things, and I cannot get them back to good. I am thinking all over the place and probably acting silly. I dunno.
I think of her and see her in the coffin. I did not want that. I think of her and mourn. I mourn for her husband and 2 daughters... I mourn for my mum. have I mourned for myself? yes and I feel selfish for that. I feel abandoned, alone, surrounded by people, lost, sad, angry, and I feel strong. am I? I do not know.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
denise
my older sister died early sunday morning. she was taking her daughter's friends home after some band tournament around 1:15. she saw a pup that had just gotten hit. denise stopped to help it and move it from the road. she tried to hurry before traffic came. I guess she underestimated the speed and a truck hit her from behind. my niece jessica, her friends, and a friend in the passing lane saw the entire thing. she died instantly. she was beautiful. she had long hair and green eyes. she was a 4th grade language/arts teacher who lived (odd to say "lived") in S.C.. she was smart, kind, had 2 beautiful girls, a super sweet husband, and was a good sister. it all seems SO unreal to me. I am sorry denise. I love you so much. I am sorry this happened to you. I would take your place in a second. (I was making an autumn collection of photography. I guess I made use of some of those photos with the video I made.)
