one year ago today

one year ago today...

my sister was hit and killed by a truck as she helped a pup out of the road. I cannot say completely where my thoughts are at the moment. I really am not sure why I am here today, typing in my blog. I do know that I love and miss my sister. I think back on some of the things she would say. gosh, they made me laugh so hard. if I would say some joke that she did not find funny, she would say, "good grief, cherilyn!" I would laugh so hard, because the only other person I know who says that is, charlie brown.

I think about the last time I saw her. she came to my mum's for a visit from south carolina. I had class that day, so I stopped in for only a short time. I guess I was there about 45 minutes or so. she was staying for a few days, because we were having a family reunion. well, I did not have time to go, so I said my 'hellos and goodbyes' all in that 45 minutes.

a year later, my mum told me that I hurt her. she said my sister felt as if I rushed and she wanted to spend time with me. my sister confirmed this during our last phone call. I never meant to do that. I wish I had visited longer and gone to the reunion.

I think about that phone call from my little brother anthony. it was 2am. I answered and he said, "denise was killed!" at first (being half asleep) I told him to stop playing. he assured me it was not a joke. ( I could never imagine him joking like that, but again, I was not fully awake.) then my other brother got on the phone and explained it more. after a few minutes, my mum got on. I could not understand her, because of her being so upset and crying. I tried so hard not to cry. I knew if I did, she would cry more. I love her and did not want that.

so we finally hung up after talking a bit. I went to my sun room, threw myself on the couch beneath the window and cried. it seemed like days being there. I saw a light in the trees. I tried to focus, but the tears were to heavy on my lids. after a few seconds it was gone. I will never know what that was, but it was there during her wake. it shone through a stained glass window for about 5 minutes, then it was gone. the light stretched across our family in the first few rows. it was odd, because the window was up a bit from where we were, so it had to go sideways.

I think about being at her home after she died. how my sister mary braided my hair on my sister's bed. everything was so surreal. I think about riding in her car. when we stopped for gas, my brother went to put something in the trunk. we both saw a bloody blanket there. I guess it is the one my sister used (or was going to) to pick up the pup from the road, because it tried to bite her.

I think about being angry or trying to understand, and not be angry over it all. I really wish she had looked for traffic. actually, no one knows what she was thinking, but her. I think about jessica and how right outside her window, she saw her mum get drug by a truck and die. I think of her whole family and how hard today must be. by the way, jessica and my sister have the same birthday. I think about tiphanie and how she had to grow upo so fast to take care of her father and little sister.

I think about placing my hand over my sister's while she was in the casket. how her hair was swept over and down by her side to cover a huge wound in her head. I tried so hard to keep it together that day. I had to be strong for my mum. she is so worried about me now, more than before. I think (know) she does not want to lose me too.

I think about all the people who were there for me during it all--most still here. I think about an email dawn sent today. she said she wrote a poem for my sister in her blog. I was amazed. she is one of the best friends that I have ever had. I was amazed she remembered the anniversary of my sister's death. I have not read it, but before I close here in my blog, I will add it to the end. I love dawn so much for being there for me today. victor, as well. he actually stayed home this weekend to be there for me. I love him so much too. honestly, I have never met anyone like those two. I am always amazed at their beauty. if I could, I would never let anyone ever hurt them.

I have not talked to my family today, yet. I am not sure I can do it. it is too much and I am not that strong. I try to be, but with everything that has happened to me, I have weakened, I think.

I think about when my plane flew out of south carolina, I blew my sister a kiss. and for the first time, goodbye really meant goodbye. I will never forget how that reality set in. I will never forget any of this. perhaps remembering is healing. perhaps it will fade, but of course, not go away. but with the fading, hopefully I can sort it all out and find somewhere beautiful to place it,... somewhere I can easily reach when missing her.

dawn's poem:

http://mrsmississippimom.blogspot.com/



My mind is unable to fathom your loss, your pain
For I am an only child and I know not how it feels
And I know there is no way to explain
My heart and love for you spills

Forever she is with you
When you wake and as you lay back down again
Your love and hers is ever so true
She was your sister and your best friend

Only if we could change things, but we cannot
Through it all we carry on
Life, not even a single moment we can plot
For in an instant change intrudes and everything can be gone

When you feel the wind, your sister is whispering
As the sun shines down, it is Denise that shines through
When the storm comes, peace to you she always does bring
With every drop of rain, her love soaks you

Tomorrow makes a year that she has been away
My heart breaks into for you Cher
By your side, being your best friend, I will always stay
Giving you my love, utmost affection, and heartfelt care

Dawn H. ~ 10/12/07 @ 10:11 p.m.

(I love you Cher.)