wish you were here

(I need a better image to scan, but most is in storage boxes somewhere. I will look soon.)

on october 13th, it will be one year since my sister was killed. what have I done? I have done nothing noteworthy. I think my entire life changed that day. seems I am just not the same. I think that is the day that I shut so many out. and I know a lot of you are shaking your heads in agreement. and I have been closing doors behind me ever since. I am okay, I am. sometimes I just need to write things out. and I look back knowing I need to turn around and at least leave the door ajar. but with a sad heart, I turn and move faster.

I have this new folder in my in box. it is called "misc II". I put letters there that I cannot read out of guilt. letters that need replies, text messages, and cards. I have a very close pal named, "". he and I have been like best friends forever. he wrote me the other day and I placed it in that folder. I just now read it. I will share, because he will not mind.

Cher Cher,

Of course, you too. I think of you often. There's a story I haven't written, called "The Attic Hun", that I should write sometime, whose protagonist is inspired by you, just three characters, but one isn't solid enough to write with just yet.

I've been nothing lately, but I've started working out again. That's about the only news here. Oh, my parents got a pig, over 200 pounds.

There's something in you--where there's a softness I'm very sympathetic to, a pain even--but you handle it with love, act beautifully. It's always been something of a model to me--because I can hurt so much, to not let it take over, not close my eyes. You're maybe the only woman I've really "let in" where pain wasn't the thing that coalesced the relationship (friendship)--not because pain wasn't there but because you deal with everything so humanly--talking to you has always been relaxing to me because of that, because even pain can be a mask.

glad you said you were doing well & hope you still are

miss you tons


""

I have not replied. we used to talk about so much. it is great to have a male friend that I can tell anything to with it being totally on a friendship basis. (not sure I typed that right, but you understand.) anyway, I am sure he would not like being in that folder. and being there does not mean I do not care (I love him as a friend very much),... it means that I do not know when or how to respond--just something I am going through.

some people close in my life(I will add more when I do the images):

















for fun (two angels):



and me:



*not all the images are perfect, but each and every one of those people are in my eyes.

random thought: I wish I could hug stefan right now.

I like doing random thoughts. I like saying them to those involved (when they are kind). ha!

here is the thing, I am not sad. I am not angry. I am just so contemplative lately. I think if I can write out my thoughts, I can look them over and try to understand what I need or want,... what I am going through. does that make sense? I always want or need to fix things. and at work I have come to realize that I cannot always fix everything,... that God takes who he takes. (for those who do not believe--people come and go, we cannot always be in control of such things.)

I have this friend, victor. (I have to mention this.) I am amazed at how gentle some can be. this person is in a tie with dawn--they must be the purest people on earth. I mention this, because I hope to be like them someday. not that I plan my life into being others, but to learn from them, and become an even better person. I do not think they have a cruel bone in their bodies. I absolutely adore having people like that around me.

anyway, I wanted to add this image of me. one of my best friends, Jo edited it for me, then I added the tonal adjustments. I think I look alright, just not smiling. I had this image taken for the bio part of a book.



enjoy your week. xo