May 18th

Today is my sister's birthday. The day is quiet and gray. I miss her. Sometimes I wonder why God took her from us. She was so beautiful. I wish she were here to hold me.

Today is my 2nd day alone. No more "I love you"s. No more laughter. Over 1300 love letters sent from his heart, now dangle in the breeze like a torn ribbon. So many videos, 198 SMSs, voice mail, images, voice recordings, and gifts, falling to the ground like a cluster of leaves. What do I do with them?

I guess I pack them away within my heart. So deep that I cannot feel them anymore. I place them where I placed the images of my sister during her funeral.

Last night I went to one his photography sites, and just sat there. Finally, I left him this:

"Just sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, and having so much to do. Do you realize this is the first time that we have not spoken within a 24 hour period? Everything seems off balance. As I type, I am looking at the moon through the window beside my desk (you know which window). Have you seen how big it is tonight? It reminds me of an autumn moon. I guess, it just feels cold or odd, or something. It seems to be shining down on my skin. Anyway, I know you had a big day today, and I figure it best to leave some warm wishes, before I go. So, I really hope it went nicely,... and of course, with smiles. Cher"

Posted 13 hours ago. I think it was all I could type through tears. I did not even roam around. I just sat there for what seemed like hours.



(Something he made for me last year.)

I recall how he phoned me a few weeks ago from Spain. He was with his family, and walked away just to call and say he loves me. To say that he wishes I were there. To say that he needs me.

I asked him Friday, (the last time we spoke) how he was going to live without me. He said he did not know. He cried hard when I told him that he would not ever hear my voice again, because I would not call him anymore. I asked him why he was crying so much. He said, "Because it hurts so much." I said I did not understand that. I mean, he was leaving me. How could his heart hurt like mine? He chose this path. He told me he was giving up.

I trusted him. I truly believed him when he said on Tuesday, " Cher, I believe we will make it through. Not hope or pray, but believe. And I believe firmly." It was a lie. I asked him. I cannot remember what he said about it. But obviously, it was a lie. You know, I never thought he lied. I told him that. All he could say, was sorry.

(I just need to get some of this stuff out, as to heal. And this is my blog/diary.)

I sent him a rosary. He received it on Thursday. It was beautiful. It had Pope Benedict on it. I told him that 2 of the people I adore would be together this way. That, each time he held it, I would smile. He said the first time used it, it would be for me. I guess it will be a prayer of hope. The thing is, I do not believe in it anymore. I have lost all faith in good things.



(An image I took last fall.)

My heart is fading. I feel no more poetry. I only feel terribly autumn.