Quanto ti amo,...

Today is a very hard day for me.



On the sands, dusk will not appear for minutes. But outward, where the waters lift themselves, light has already begun to fade. There are no dwellers, no sounds, no one singing spring songs. The only sound is my voice–subtle beside the edge of the open sea– (now and then, a stray sigh of zephyr that brushes the crag, stirring the limbs of trees, before slipping off into the horizon).

It is May, and the shores, which will be full in June, allowing joyful tourists to bask in the warm sun, are quiet as though they have never known the stain of a heart blown away. And I cannot breathe,... it is as though I had sung a thousand books of poetry, strung a string of photographs, solemn as the seasons that have slipped through my hands. I could never have hung onto anything that good. Forgive me.

Dusk has fallen, and the ocean currents begin to still. Above the crag, an evening star pulsates in a solitary dance for the hopeful–a melody composed from the hands of an angel. I close my eyes and begin to cry.

I begin the path home on my own, carrying your words huddled close to my chest, the distant sounds of warm laughter, my rosary, and a prayer,...

... they are all I have to hold onto.

*Draft II

***********************

I would give anything to dry these tears. I would give anything for a hero to come along and mend my broken heart. Sadly, I find it hard to believe in fairy tales anymore. Even love. Even more,... trust.

You know, I do not even know what to say. I am almost embarrassed to feel such sorrow or appear to be so weak. But I have never hurt like this. I ask you all to forgive me for such sad posts. I am so sorry. :( I am sorry.

I guess I just need to write it out. Does it help? Not really. I need Peace.

Besides all that, I am an Italian brat, yea? I am not supposed to have a broken heart,...

Auggie just called, right in the middle of my tears (and me writing in this blog). And as they ran down my phone, he hugged me with warm words. He told me not to cry. He said that I have him. He said to call as soon as a I felt like crying. And I really wish I were in San Francisco with him. I know he would cook me such a good lunch and make me smile. (Thanks Auggie.)

I need to thank Jim for the songs sent to my email to make me smile, as well. I have not even replied to any of them. (I am sorry.)

You know, I really feel like a baby for crying so much. I never even cried this much over my sister's death, you all know that. You saw my blog. It has nothing to do with the amount of love; it is just a completely different kind of pain. And, I would rather go through the worst case scenario, than the breaking of a heart that I always try to keep so kind and loving. I guess if you put it out there, it is bound to be stomped on.

I guess nothing is always what it seems. But I love him. I really do. He is such a fantastic person with a gentle heart. He has been there for me through this.

So many people have been there for me. I really am grateful. Martin is amazing. I wish he were here. He is such a wonderful friend to me. And Meghan, she hugged me and said how she hates to see me so sad. I guess all the hugs in the world cannot put a broken heart back together. Pity.

God knows, Victor dries a lot of my tears too. Seems they fall so randomly anymore. I mean, one day is alright, the next, not so good. I guess it will take time for me to mend. It will take forever for my love to fade. ... forever is so far away.

How can anyone not love me? Not that I think I am SO lovable, it is just that I know I give such good love in a relationship. I give music, poetry, my heart and so much more. How can anyone walk away from that? I guess I just make it easy. Who knows.

(I make plenty of mistakes, as well, be sure.)

Again, I ask God to bring me Peace. And as I take a deep breath, I will stop typing now.