superluminal

so many thoughts passing through--sometimes so quickly, I feel as if my knees might shatter. in an odd sorts today... elusive, contemplative, a rushing from vine to forest floor, if you will.

have you ever felt as if you were not so in control of things? or perhaps think you are in control? I say that and mean, the flood of passion that actually pulls goosebumps from flesh. and it is not as much about control as it is resistance. I have no idea where it came from, but I have a strong resistance to many things. if I feel a closeness or the calm before a storm, I can quickly pull myself away before the debris begins to scatter. I can turn my head as if it never happened. I suppose I have some to thank for that--the few that have taught me about love and war. they may never know how they changed my course from summer to rain.

and I do not feel harsh or cold, but numb at times. and I do not hold regrets like a sadness in the palm... I hold nothing but my head. I keep it from lowering in what seems to be an oncoming wave of emotion. and sometimes I sabotage things unknowingly, just to feel grounded again--safe from what felt like flying. I do not do this on purpose, but I have seen it in action. I do this out of fear, I think. I feel more concrete when I am in control of as much as possible in my life. don't we all?

sometimes, and only sometimes, I get close--just enough to feel the flicker of an eyelash, only to turn away for a second and it is gone. I thought I was holding on tightly, but I lost it or it flew away without warning. now I stretch my arm out past my shoulder... the length? that is easy... just enough distance from ache. I will not allow myself to feel anything, but happiness now. I do not think I will ever allow anyone to get in so close again, that they may sever the only thread that holds my heart in place. I could be wrong.

"I'm wired to the world" -- goldfrapp.

seems the only people I keep near, are the ones that I know are the lifeline. the dozen or so close friends I could never do without. no matter how many days pass or what sort of moody mix I am in, my love for them remains the same, if not stronger. funny, I will send them notes out of the blue, just to tell them I care. even if it is a "Hope you are enjoying your day"... I do not ever want them to forget how I love them. and I try to treat everyone a kind as I possible can, no matter who they are. (I thank my mum for teaching me that, as other things, when I was a child.)

I feel good knowing that part of my heart is passionate and surrenders to what I call, "a constant wave of candied kisses".