"We scream to avoid suffering in silence" - Darren Hayes

"Love is for fools that fall behind."

gosh, it is just one of those nights when I elude everyone and write. I am very elusive to say the least. I really have no excuse for that. I have hurt many people being this way. when I get too close to the opposite sex, I am worse. if I feel myself getting that warm feeling, I make a left and get the heck out of there. and I do not think it cool or hip, I just am that way anymore.

I think it is because when I open my heart to its fullest, it becomes hurt. the hurt is not the worst part--it is the guilt. I feel guilty for allowing myself to open up, believing the "silly little love lies", and trusting another with something so innocent and tender, as my heart.

not only that, I am finding it harder and harder to see someone who likes me for more than my looks. I want to be loved by someone fully. I want them to appreciate my photography and really be interested, as well as my other hobbies, such as writing. and I want to be interested in whatever they are, or at least support them in every way.

I have had some rough relationships. the funny thing is, I have not even had that many! so why must I have already experienced such displeasure? I had a boyfriend that kicked me so hard that he left his boot marks on my shin. why? well, I have no answer, but I can assure you, no one deserves such things. and somehow he turned it all around so our friends thought I was the bad one. well, his friends. he destroyed so many things that were close to me. there is the guilt... how could I allow this to happen? must have been my fault.

the bad part is that one of my patients had passed on. we were very close. when she passed, her family gave me an image of NY that was framed. they said she had asked this, because she knew how much I loved the city. I had written her a poem that was read at her wake, and then placed into her casket. I went to the funeral in long island, and loved her so very much. I would come to her floor just to help her--she had asked, because she only felt safe with me. she called me her angel, but she was the angel.

anyway, he was in a rage and destroyed that NY images and her funeral information, as well. that pain lives with me today. he had his good points, I assure you, but his rage was out of control. his story is a long one and I just do not feel like getting into it.

then we have someone whom I thought had the kindest heart in the world. he was my best friend. he was so perfect, until he slept with his assistant editor while I was where? in the hospital. my heart had stopped and I was rushed to the ER. I never spoke to him until I was out. some friends asked him where I was, but he did not know. he was much too busy swooning another-- some girl that he called on the phone to discuss the magazine and it ended up in late night phone calls all the time. my time with him lessened, of course. when I found out, I did not yell. I simply asked "you cheated on me?" and he replied with some answer. I replied "get lost loser" and never tried to contact him again. I never thought it would end. I truly believed in him. I am sure I must have made him stray for some reason. we never made love, so that could be it, but I doubt it--he was not that sort of person.

he contacted me this year, saying sorry and that he really had loved me, showing a piece of writing he once sent me. I replied with something, but he never answered. he did send a hug, though. remind me to never date a financial adviser/and editor. ;) (he had some very good points, though, but could break your heart with a snap from his mathematical fingers.)

oh, and my poor friend, "" who was beside me during the entire thing. I am sure he wanted to cut his throat. it makes me think of that scene in "Airplane" where the older woman hangs herself on the plane, because the guy is telling her his entire love situation. haha

why do guys do that? why do they ignore you? when there are men that would date you if given the chance? do they not see this or just not care? my favorite quote" Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option."

when a guy starts telling me how pretty I am right off the bat, my heels skid to a stop. I have so many faults. I cannot listen to how perfect I am. I may have some talent here and there or somewhere, but I have a heart. I am living breathing beautiful. not on the outside, but inside. I say that because I know I am kind to all people that I come across. I know my heart is kind and tender. I would never hurt another. and I do not dress in short skirts or tops. I am not like that. and I do not spit or curse, but I do not judge who do. and I like art and museums. and I love the ocean more than words could ever express. there is so much more to me than hair and whatever. I see so many girls who get much more attention than I do (and I get my share). they put images up with not much on, but a smile. I am beginning to think that men like those sorts more. I do not want to be like that. I do not care if I never get attention again. I just want to tell those girls to be themselves and the attention will still be there, but a better sort.

funny, so many of my close friends, like scott, have never told me I was pretty. well, they have complemented me on things and images of myself, but not in general conversation (jerk)... haha just joshing. actually, it is nice to carry on a conversation with the opposite sex that is alive, fun, and meaningful, without it being about me and how I am this or that. :)

and most of my friend matt's letters are so crazy funny, that I laugh out loud. he has the best stories. he even has some goat or something! oh my gosh, the tales that come out of texas. nick and I were close like that, but we rarely talk anymore.

anyway, my heart aches and the passion will drive me insane someday. I have so much in my blood, like I have said, sometimes I feel I may explode. I will not "just fall" and I will not let just anyone in.

and I am not a prude either. I may not have much experience or have fulfilled any fantasies, but that does not mean I am a prude. I dislike when put on the spot with words such as "you make me weak". I hear that from people that I am not even close to. I never have an answer for that. I just want to run. it is not like I sit here with strings and have mastered how to control men. you have no idea how many I have ran from. you see, they become close friends and I love that. then they fall in love.

at 15 I went to a ball and saw a guy that I used to be best friends with. he told me how I hurt him. you see, a few months before that, we went to phoenix for a dance. we went to south mountain after the dance with some friends. well, he asked if he could kiss me and then did. I never felt the same again. I felt uncomfortable around him. I never spoke to him until the night of that ball. I ruined a good friendship there.

two of my best friends, raha (a podiatrist) and trevor a funeral director are the easiest to talk to. I can tell them anything. (yes, raha and I had crushes at one point in 2002, I think.) I love him and I love trevor, but we are just pals. what I am getting at is, neither has fallen in love. I do not have to worry and can talk to them easily w/o feeling I have to elude some love lings. trevor has a boyfriend--we are like will and grace, he says. :)

then there are people that no matter where I am in life, they will be in my heart. they are people that I hold on a pedestal as far as friendship goes: matt, patrick, gary (he hates me this week!), jo, dawn, auggie, scott, april, bill, chris, tony, terri, micheal, stefan, mark, debi, lisa, rich, patrick, nick, trevor, jeremy, ramon, paolo, raha, tim, tom, paura, yoly, amanda, christine, harmony, don, kira, a few more LD friends that I absolutely love, and others. they live and breathe inside of me. I am sure I have forgotten a few.

random thought... ;)



(I have no idea where that came from!)

anyway, I like having men as friends, but dislike it when there comes a point in our relationship that he wants to date me. and how do they fall so easily for me? I am no one special, just a brat that loves medicine and cappuccino.

then we have this guy who built a huge home with me. it was a beautiful shea home in a place called, the pinnacles. he did a lot of things, but this one sticks out for some reason...(he was on a farm league) he had a baseball game. we were going to the fair after the game, so I got ready, but he never showed. he came at 9pm and was drunk. I guess they had won the game and held a keg party. then one night I made a romantic dinner and called him on his cell. I asked him to bring some Italian bread. well, he called me at 2am. so I guess you can figure the rest out.

I left not too long after that--left it all behind. I even gave him the brand new chevy silverado I had bought him for christmas. I should not have, it only had 80 miles, was red, and had all those doors. but you know, I just did not care. he really cried, even fell to the floor, but I left. you can only do so much to a person before they just do not love you anymore. it makes it easier that way to leave, I think.

and like I mentioned in a previous post, the one guy who swore he fell in love, but only wanted to talk to me when he felt like it. yes, he actually said that. I wish I could have stepped outside of my skin, just to see my own expression.



gosh, if he ever reads this, he will be upset for sure, but it is the truth. I mean, think about it. it cannot come across in a good way, no matter how you look at it, it is heartbreaking.

so that is why I have become elusive. I am not sure I am willing to go through any heartache. I am not sure I want to sit around listening to kelly clarkson songs or writing sad poetry. I love my music--it makes me happy. californication! ;)

so, do I keep running or do I stop to see what is around me? do I open myself and risk the pain? you know, you can never really answer that... you just do what you do.

the singing butler:



that is the way love should be. not sure I believe in fairy tales much anymore. oh, I have not given up, I am just very careful.

and yes, you may be thinking "but she writes such romantic poetry." I do, or try to. I love romance and I love "love"... I just have become the elusive butterfly at this point. it is something I am willing to work on.

feel free to leave your horror stories here. I would love to hear them.