Rain on me

(An image of mine)

I have been pretty busy lately with the last days of school and the holiday break coming soon. Oh, some good news for myself, I have stopped taking in sugar. I feel very good about this. I think my body and mind are going to be very grateful. :)

I have also been very contemplative. I have left a few sites as to have more time to concentrate on what is important in my life, and have time for just that. I have found I am much too trusting when it comes to people, as well. Do not get me wrong, I am far from sad over this, I just have a better understanding, I think. And so many people that I thought were my friends, fell in love, found out I did not love that way back, and left me.

I must say, I have yet to understand that. I mean, how can you become close to me, fall in love, and if the feelings are not mutual, leave me altogether? I have to think there was never a friendship there to begin with. That is where my heart begins to hurt. And if you loved me so much and found out that I just want to be friends, could you? I mean, if you love someone, you love completely, yes? So, if that person only considers you a friend, you should accept it, and remain close to that person. To leave is a selfish act. I do not know--just random thoughts, I guess. (To clear the air, this is not about anyone in my close circle of friends, but about at least 12 people that have walked out of my life that were close at some point.) I have to say, it makes it hard to trust.

It makes one think more will walk away, because they make it much to convenient to walk in or out, without a second thought. I could be wrong.

So, how do you know for sure the time you put into a relationship (friendship or otherwise) will be stable enough to last? I guess you do not. I guess you take it step by step and pray. I do know, I never want to lose anyone else. I want all who I love or loves me, to stay. I cannot or could not take another loss. I am not that strong. And I know it may seem that I have walked away from some. I have not. I just needed a break of sorts. Well, I have no reason, but I know it does not mean I do not care.

If you truly need me, come find me, let me know, help me back. I have gotten so far away and elusive,...I do not have the time or will to do it alone. You must take my hand. There is no other way. To me, friendships are built to last. In my heart, I have not gone anywhere. In my mind, I am tired of starting over again. And I have been allowing less and less people in. At least for now. xo