Sometimes...

Sometimes...

...I just do not feel very pretty. Is that odd? What the heck happened to me? Where is the "me" I know? Sometimes that "me" slips away. I guess I have a few ex boyfriends to thank for that. I know, not every person is them, but why do people have to make you feel so unworthy? What upsets me is that I allowed it. Why? I thought they loved me and would change. I was cheated on by my last boyfriend. He sent me this not too long ago (and we broke ages ago):

"been thinking a lot lately and I just wish you knew that things were not quite how you thought they were, nor have I ever been--you know me well--one to defend myself, in almost any scenario, so I vanished. You left thinking I made everything up, thinking my words were not my words... how can you read below and think that.... I suppose things could never be the same, I just couldn't allow myself to go back into my grave without signaling, at least, one final breath. I won't bother you; I'm sorry for sending this. But I've rec'd two signs and had to send this."

By him saying "read below", he meant a love letter he had sent once that he attached to that note above. I decided not to include it here. His words mean nothing.

I honestly never felt unloved or not beautiful enough to keep him, as I did when that happened (his cheating with another woman). I walked away from him when I found out. I left three words behind, "Get lost, loser!" I never even asked for an explanation. I just did not care. And I never cried.

(This is my diary, so I added some of his words up there--not all, though. It makes it easier to see what I mean, I guess. I do not do this often with letters, because I just do not like to.)

And by adding his words to my blog, does not mean I care for him. I do not. How could I? He showed me what love was like. I just never knew it could be better. And it can be. Not every guy is like him. It is just so hard to believe that, at some points. And sometimes, words are just words. I need to see things to believe them. Not always. Just sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel that no one will truly love me for "me". I want to believe it is not true. I do. And sometimes, I think I am loved for who I am. It is just that I find myself waiting for the heartbreak. I find myself waiting for the "goodbye". Not all the time, just sometimes.

Someday, I hope "sometimes" turns into never. Someday I hope to be the way I used to be,... back when I did not worry, and I truly believed if someone does not like me for who I am, they are not good enough for me.