Posts
Just a fun way to display some of my work. xo
and thanks to jen for sending me the cute kitten. :)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Emerging Magazine
A very good friend of mine, Stefan is Editor in Chief of Emerging Magazine. The magazine is brilliantly presented in the most professional and fun manner possible. There is so much going on there, that I have a hard time keeping up!
I have seen wonderful interviews, beautiful and talented models, and so much more. Let me let Stefan speak...
"I make things happen! From concert events to parties beyond your wildest dreams! Want or need exposure, promotion or just have a night to remember? I can help make those things happen! EmergingMagazine.Com is all about gaining you exposure in the global arena! We produce small to large scale events, from concerts to fashion shows and anything you can dream of! We proffer something for every budget! Want a celeb or magazine model at your event? You think of it we can put it together and provide a worry free event that will dazzle even the most jaded clientele!"
Myspace
"Enjoy our Magazine Online. Want more exposure! Have an Event Coming Up? Post it with us. Want to Post your Blog? Listen to Music or Read Articles? Is Fashion or Models your Passion? Visit our Model Directory.
Are you an Artist? Need more exposure? Check our Art link online
Enjoy a sample of our magazine here at Live Digital!
Want to have the party of the century? Want models or actors/actresses at your party? You name it, we will make it happen.
Whatever your fantasy, we can make your wildest dreams become reality!"
So go have a peek, I highly recommend it. Stefan is one of the warmest, most intelligent, kindest people I have ever known. I wish the magazine nothing, but the best. xo
Tastes Of San Francisco
So many choices...
If you want delicious sour dough, you may have it filled with chili, or clam chowder. one of my favorite places to eat on the wharf is Boudin Bakery.
They have an online store where you can order from anywhere, and have it shipped to your door. I highly recommend the Bistro --you have not only fabulous food, but an indescribable view of the bay.
Then there is my all time favorite (I have mentioned this here before).
The Foreign Cinema
"Open since 1999, Foreign Cinema restaurant has garnered local, national and international acclaim as a quintessentially San Francisco dining experience. We offer a daily changing California/Mediterranean-inspired menu in an industrial chic setting located in the heart of the bustling Mission district. Dinner is served nightly as well as weekend brunch both Saturday and Sunday. Foreign and independent films are screened in our covered outdoor courtyard. Seating is available indoors fireside as well as upstairs in our semi-private mezzanine overlooking the dining room. Guests may enjoy cocktails and our complete menu from the main bar or on the patio outside. Modernism West, an art gallery in collaboration with Martin Mueller and Modernism Inc, is open to the public most nights and is an ideal space for private dining. After dinner drinks with rotating DJ's completes the evening in our adjacent bar, Laszlo."
I highly recommend the "August Antipasto" ;)
I am getting hungry and sleepy now. I am going to sleep first. ;)
Questionnaire
Answer to the best of your knowledge!
1. Name 4 pet peeves.
1. impatience
2. when people do not put a space after a period. (I have no idea why that bothers me.) example: Susie plays house with Billy.Billy...
3. a woman with a trucker's mouth, chews gum with her mouth open, or one who spits ::shudders::
4. a woman who cannot seem to find anything else to wear, but a skimpy skirt - even in a blizzard. I (ALMOST) want to take her shopping. ;)
5. brats. oh, wait... no.
3 Sexy songs...?
1. Into your eyes - angel one
2. Crash into me - DMB
3. Anything Italian
4. Name a favorite food.
A salad w/ boneless chicken
5. Do you dance?
Yes. I actually won a dance contest at a club once. Do you? ;)
6. Have any favorite places?
The ocean, the ocean, and the ocean. :)
7. Have you ever saved a life?
Yes -- it is my career
8. If so, when?
One that stands out is when an 18 yr old boy crashed his motorcycle in 2000. I passed the accident scene and turned around. A small crowd was gathering, but for some reason, not doing much. I (I know it is a bit gross) pulled of my socks to apply pressure to a wound in his abdomen, sat behind him, and gently pulled him to my chest. He kept trying to get up, so I whispered to him and told him how loved he was by his family. (I did not know what else to say.)
He passed away a few minutes later. I did not actually save his life, but I hope I made his last few minutes a bit easier.
9. What's some of things you notice right off in the opposite sex?
intelligence, a sense of humor, confidence
10. Do you own a pool?
I have in the past.
11. Name The last 5 places you've traveled.
Over seas or in the US? Italy, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, and N.Y.. also, a few places to shoot photography; Point Reyes, N.J, Bodega Bay....
12. Most overused internet jargon?
LOL, LMAO - - never have used them
13. Do you have a favorite quote?
A few, esp. this one... Tutto è permesso in guerra ed in amore!
14. Ever been in an accident?
Yes, once--involved my best friend, her boyfriend's bmw, and a tree.
15. What is the perfect date?
A walk along the beach
16. If you could hang out with a famous person, who'd it be?
Pablo Neruda
17. Ever hurt someone?
Is this a trick question? Hurt how? I broke a guy's wrist once kick boxing.
18. Are you promiscuous?
I do not think so
19. Where's your dream destination?
Well, Italy (went in 2002) would be one, but I adore Carmel, California
20. If you could change careers, would you?
I always wanted to be an oceanographer. I have put too much into the medical field to change now.
21. When was the last time you made out?
Made out with what? Cash? Haha! Okay, it has been some time.
22. Have you ever dated more than one person at a time?
No. Should I add that to my personal goals?
23. Do you believe in love?
Sometimes
24. Have a wish list?
No, I think they are tacky to put up in public (unless it is related to a wedding.)
25. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?
Huh?
26. Are you passionate?
Yes - it drives me mad at times.
27. What makes you happy?
A fog horn in the distance, the sea, a lot of things.
28. What do you drive?
A Sonata, but have been told recently, I am going to be taught about cars, and what is cool and what is not. (Apparently, a Sonata is nerdy.) ;)
29. Any hobbies?
Sure. You?
30. Have you ever stolen anything?
Besides hearts? (I kid!) Not that I recall. Should I have?
31. Favorite fast food joint.
Hmm... none really. Starbuck's, but that is for my cappuccino.
32. Do you own any fishing gear?
No, but I can fish! (I do tend to cast a lot.) Seriously, ALOT. ;)
32. Do you remember your first kiss?
Sure. I was about 1 minute old--the doctor kissed my cheek and said, "Yep. she is going to be a brat!"
33. Do you like kites?
Oh my gosh, 33 (is it not over yet?)
34. Are you emo?
Uh, I do not think so
35. Name something that's too large on your body.
Um, the top portion of my body (in the vicinity of 36th and York) ;)
36. Ever kissed a pet?
Silly question--they are all my pets. ;)
37. What color is your carpet?
I like tile. what is with these questions?
38. Do you know anyone in Kansas?
Hmm... Dorothy? Oh, and her little dog, too.
39. Do you like the rain?
Very much
40. Ever join the mile high club?
No, but I was in all the clubs in school. (I do not think that was one of them.) ;)
I am done replying to these for a bit-- not much more to know about me, I suppose. Not much more to say... I can be pretty boring. ;)
Raha
since I added two other best friends, I figure he deserves some attention. where to begin?
well, I am not always a good friend to him. I disappear for days at at time, then we talk on the phone to catch up, he confronts me on being elusive, I justify myself, he shakes his head, and we are good again. anyway, I love that image of him, because it shows how hard he works. he is a podiatrist, now working out of Dallas. his brother is a doctor as well, but not sure if he is in Miami or Texas now.
by the way, I have an image of him up at my myspace, it is in the "My heroes" area.
he and I make a great team. once we had planned a road trip. we would talk about all the things we would pack, laugh, and add more silly things to the list, like squirrel hats (for traveling through the Ozarks). we always found time to laugh as we went through med school. the last time we spoke on the phone, we were going to hang out, but I went to Rhode Island. he joined me since on a site, but we just get too busy to talk much anymore. I miss him.
whenever I felt sad over a boyfriend, I would call him. he always said he would come running. he has a heart of gold. he told me last year, "You know, Cher, all my ex-girfriends were jealous of you." I did not know what to say. I mean, why? I suppose some women get that way when a loved one has friends of the opposite sex, yea? I do not know.
I showed him a poem I had written (not sure if it is posted in my blog) and he commented so sweetly. he has always enjoyed reading my work and would ask me to send him something when exhausted. he has supported everything I have ever done. (he is a writer too, btw.)
when I get my act together, and stop being so elusive, I am going to give him the biggest hug, tell him how much I love him, and that he is not only my best friend, but my hero.
I have written about 3 and plan on adding more here and there, as I post into my blog in the future.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Jo
You know, this is my heart. I would die without her. I will always be there to protect her from harm, to share her tears, and to celebrate her happiness. Jo is the most beautiful friend. She is giving. funny, and clever. And I always send her my photos that I can not make more presentable.
You see, Jo is a photographer as well, and she is bursting with talent, so she is my inspiration and photo fixer. ;) We share so much; good and bad times, secrets, and dreams. We are sisters and best friends.
I love you, Jo. Never forget that.
Dawn
she is one of my best friends and such a good one. between dawn and jo... I am so grateful.
anyway, here is something she gave me just now...
Saturday, September 08, 2007
"We scream to avoid suffering in silence" - Darren Hayes
"Love is for fools that fall behind."
gosh, it is just one of those nights when I elude everyone and write. I am very elusive to say the least. I really have no excuse for that. I have hurt many people being this way. when I get too close to the opposite sex, I am worse. if I feel myself getting that warm feeling, I make a left and get the heck out of there. and I do not think it cool or hip, I just am that way anymore.
I think it is because when I open my heart to its fullest, it becomes hurt. the hurt is not the worst part--it is the guilt. I feel guilty for allowing myself to open up, believing the "silly little love lies", and trusting another with something so innocent and tender, as my heart.
not only that, I am finding it harder and harder to see someone who likes me for more than my looks. I want to be loved by someone fully. I want them to appreciate my photography and really be interested, as well as my other hobbies, such as writing. and I want to be interested in whatever they are, or at least support them in every way.
I have had some rough relationships. the funny thing is, I have not even had that many! so why must I have already experienced such displeasure? I had a boyfriend that kicked me so hard that he left his boot marks on my shin. why? well, I have no answer, but I can assure you, no one deserves such things. and somehow he turned it all around so our friends thought I was the bad one. well, his friends. he destroyed so many things that were close to me. there is the guilt... how could I allow this to happen? must have been my fault.
the bad part is that one of my patients had passed on. we were very close. when she passed, her family gave me an image of NY that was framed. they said she had asked this, because she knew how much I loved the city. I had written her a poem that was read at her wake, and then placed into her casket. I went to the funeral in long island, and loved her so very much. I would come to her floor just to help her--she had asked, because she only felt safe with me. she called me her angel, but she was the angel.
anyway, he was in a rage and destroyed that NY images and her funeral information, as well. that pain lives with me today. he had his good points, I assure you, but his rage was out of control. his story is a long one and I just do not feel like getting into it.
then we have someone whom I thought had the kindest heart in the world. he was my best friend. he was so perfect, until he slept with his assistant editor while I was where? in the hospital. my heart had stopped and I was rushed to the ER. I never spoke to him until I was out. some friends asked him where I was, but he did not know. he was much too busy swooning another-- some girl that he called on the phone to discuss the magazine and it ended up in late night phone calls all the time. my time with him lessened, of course. when I found out, I did not yell. I simply asked "you cheated on me?" and he replied with some answer. I replied "get lost loser" and never tried to contact him again. I never thought it would end. I truly believed in him. I am sure I must have made him stray for some reason. we never made love, so that could be it, but I doubt it--he was not that sort of person.
he contacted me this year, saying sorry and that he really had loved me, showing a piece of writing he once sent me. I replied with something, but he never answered. he did send a hug, though. remind me to never date a financial adviser/and editor. ;) (he had some very good points, though, but could break your heart with a snap from his mathematical fingers.)
oh, and my poor friend, "" who was beside me during the entire thing. I am sure he wanted to cut his throat. it makes me think of that scene in "Airplane" where the older woman hangs herself on the plane, because the guy is telling her his entire love situation. haha
why do guys do that? why do they ignore you? when there are men that would date you if given the chance? do they not see this or just not care? my favorite quote" Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option."
when a guy starts telling me how pretty I am right off the bat, my heels skid to a stop. I have so many faults. I cannot listen to how perfect I am. I may have some talent here and there or somewhere, but I have a heart. I am living breathing beautiful. not on the outside, but inside. I say that because I know I am kind to all people that I come across. I know my heart is kind and tender. I would never hurt another. and I do not dress in short skirts or tops. I am not like that. and I do not spit or curse, but I do not judge who do. and I like art and museums. and I love the ocean more than words could ever express. there is so much more to me than hair and whatever. I see so many girls who get much more attention than I do (and I get my share). they put images up with not much on, but a smile. I am beginning to think that men like those sorts more. I do not want to be like that. I do not care if I never get attention again. I just want to tell those girls to be themselves and the attention will still be there, but a better sort.
funny, so many of my close friends, like scott, have never told me I was pretty. well, they have complemented me on things and images of myself, but not in general conversation (jerk)... haha just joshing. actually, it is nice to carry on a conversation with the opposite sex that is alive, fun, and meaningful, without it being about me and how I am this or that. :)
and most of my friend matt's letters are so crazy funny, that I laugh out loud. he has the best stories. he even has some goat or something! oh my gosh, the tales that come out of texas. nick and I were close like that, but we rarely talk anymore.
anyway, my heart aches and the passion will drive me insane someday. I have so much in my blood, like I have said, sometimes I feel I may explode. I will not "just fall" and I will not let just anyone in.
and I am not a prude either. I may not have much experience or have fulfilled any fantasies, but that does not mean I am a prude. I dislike when put on the spot with words such as "you make me weak". I hear that from people that I am not even close to. I never have an answer for that. I just want to run. it is not like I sit here with strings and have mastered how to control men. you have no idea how many I have ran from. you see, they become close friends and I love that. then they fall in love.
at 15 I went to a ball and saw a guy that I used to be best friends with. he told me how I hurt him. you see, a few months before that, we went to phoenix for a dance. we went to south mountain after the dance with some friends. well, he asked if he could kiss me and then did. I never felt the same again. I felt uncomfortable around him. I never spoke to him until the night of that ball. I ruined a good friendship there.
two of my best friends, raha (a podiatrist) and trevor a funeral director are the easiest to talk to. I can tell them anything. (yes, raha and I had crushes at one point in 2002, I think.) I love him and I love trevor, but we are just pals. what I am getting at is, neither has fallen in love. I do not have to worry and can talk to them easily w/o feeling I have to elude some love lings. trevor has a boyfriend--we are like will and grace, he says. :)
then there are people that no matter where I am in life, they will be in my heart. they are people that I hold on a pedestal as far as friendship goes: matt, patrick, gary (he hates me this week!), jo, dawn, auggie, scott, april, bill, chris, tony, terri, micheal, stefan, mark, debi, lisa, rich, patrick, nick, trevor, jeremy, ramon, paolo, raha, tim, tom, paura, yoly, amanda, christine, harmony, don, kira, a few more LD friends that I absolutely love, and others. they live and breathe inside of me. I am sure I have forgotten a few.
random thought... ;)
(I have no idea where that came from!)
anyway, I like having men as friends, but dislike it when there comes a point in our relationship that he wants to date me. and how do they fall so easily for me? I am no one special, just a brat that loves medicine and cappuccino.
then we have this guy who built a huge home with me. it was a beautiful shea home in a place called, the pinnacles. he did a lot of things, but this one sticks out for some reason...(he was on a farm league) he had a baseball game. we were going to the fair after the game, so I got ready, but he never showed. he came at 9pm and was drunk. I guess they had won the game and held a keg party. then one night I made a romantic dinner and called him on his cell. I asked him to bring some Italian bread. well, he called me at 2am. so I guess you can figure the rest out.
I left not too long after that--left it all behind. I even gave him the brand new chevy silverado I had bought him for christmas. I should not have, it only had 80 miles, was red, and had all those doors. but you know, I just did not care. he really cried, even fell to the floor, but I left. you can only do so much to a person before they just do not love you anymore. it makes it easier that way to leave, I think.
and like I mentioned in a previous post, the one guy who swore he fell in love, but only wanted to talk to me when he felt like it. yes, he actually said that. I wish I could have stepped outside of my skin, just to see my own expression.
gosh, if he ever reads this, he will be upset for sure, but it is the truth. I mean, think about it. it cannot come across in a good way, no matter how you look at it, it is heartbreaking.
so that is why I have become elusive. I am not sure I am willing to go through any heartache. I am not sure I want to sit around listening to kelly clarkson songs or writing sad poetry. I love my music--it makes me happy. californication! ;)
so, do I keep running or do I stop to see what is around me? do I open myself and risk the pain? you know, you can never really answer that... you just do what you do.
the singing butler:
that is the way love should be. not sure I believe in fairy tales much anymore. oh, I have not given up, I am just very careful.
and yes, you may be thinking "but she writes such romantic poetry." I do, or try to. I love romance and I love "love"... I just have become the elusive butterfly at this point. it is something I am willing to work on.
feel free to leave your horror stories here. I would love to hear them.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Sunshower
I wanted to have a smile around. ;) finchè c'è vita c'è speranza, si? ;)
it is funny how so many think I look sad in some of my images. it is not that at all. in fact, I usually just look when my photo is being snapped. someone yells. "hey brat" and naturally, I am going to look, yea? ;)
here is a little something for today...
The Consequences of a Night Out
I stretch towards desert
highways, a hardship built
to suit.
The whites of his eyes
finger my curves,
my worth.
The stench fills my lungs
and I fall into silence
for clarity.
I feel the wind turn,
the round of my nipples
become enlarged,
I strike a match
and all that mattered
is not!
He asks my name,
my lips curl in modesty,
I look away.
They say, "Never try
to forget what you
are destined to remember..."
(I never was one
for bottlenecks
and substitution.)
A lonely guitar peels
away in the aftermath
as I brush off advances
with gasoline. And there
are no mirages here
in the west;
the sun
scorches his memory,
his wintered hands.
* I wrote this in 2002, I think.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Luciano Pavarotti 1935-2007
"When cancer finally stopped Pavarotti from singing, it was only the second interruption of his career."
Famed opera tenor Luciano Pavarotti, who appeared on stage with singers as varied as opera star Dame Joan Sutherland, U2's Bono and Liza Minnelli, died Thursday after suffering from pancreatic cancer, his manager Terri Robson said in a statement. He was 71.
"The great tenor, Luciano Pavarotti, died today at 5:00 a.m. at his home in Modena, the city of his birth," according to Robson.
"The Maestro fought a long, tough battle against the pancreatic cancer which eventually took his life. In fitting with the approach that characterized his life and work, he remained positive until finally succumbing to the last stages of his illness."
The portly singer retired from staged opera in 2004, but was on a "farewell tour" of concerts when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006 and underwent emergency surgery to remove the tumor.
Although the remaining concerts of his tour were canceled, his management said that he hoped to resume the tour in 2007.
But in early August, Pavarotti was hospitalized in Modena with a fever and released 17 days later after undergoing diagnostic tests.
Pavarotti is survived by his wife, Nicoletta Mantovani, and a daughter, Alice, along with three grown daughters by his first wife, Adua Veroni, whom he divorced in 2000, and a granddaughter.
According to Robson, his wife, daughters and sister, along with other relatives and friends were at his side when he died.
I read somewhere today that he had taken ill, and was being cared for at home. I said a small prayer for him, as I loved his talent, smile, and personality so very much. now as I am going back to bed, I read that he passed away. it is a sad day for many. my heart and all its love goes out to his family. I have a video of him singing with darren hayes over at livedigital...
it will forever be a part of me. I am going to wipe my silly tears and go back to sleep. xo
luciano, rest in peace and know, you will never be forgotten.
Monday, September 03, 2007
and...
I have been happy this week--extremely. it is a good feeling to laugh and just relax. sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane, that we forget about all the "every things" that make us shine.
autumn is arriving, as well. it is one of my favorite times of the year. I cannot wait to step out and take in all the scents and vibrant colors. I cannot wait to carve a pumpkin and pass candy to all the little vampires, princesses, witches, and such. oh, they make me laugh--love it.
I shot this image last year...
me going as a vampire for Halloween last year. the original was scanned--I did not like how it turned out, so I gave it ink outlines and such. and I did not have my cape on the entire time, nor did I show my fangs! (how was I to get my prey that way?) ;)
then it will be Christmas. I wish so badly to spend some time in New York City during this. I suppose I will, if only for a day or two. in fact, I might go next weekend to shoot some scenes in black and white. I was supposed to do that earlier, but never had the time. I love being there, and look forward to returning.
wow, this year has flown by. I cannot say it was a good year, but I will say that I welcome the next. I miss last year--sitting in my sun room, laughing, being less restricted in a sorts. I do not miss last Autumn, but I do miss my sister. I have not contacted her family very much since her death. I do not know what is wrong with me. it is just that each time I see her daughter's blog, it kills me inside, it reopens what I have pushed to the back of my head. I really must be stronger and less selfish. It was the worst thing to happen to our family and I am no good with any of it. I pulled myself away from the situation this year. I am sorry for that.
funny how bringing up Autumn brought about those last lines. we never forget, we just chose what to remember. now my thoughts seem to scatter and that happiness that began in this post, has turned to sad. I have a meeting to go to, but before I go, I am going to brush up on my smiles. I will be okay--always am. I have learned to take care of myself alone, and to keep my walls up just high enough to keep out heartache. I have no walls for my sister, only resistance to the reality of her being gone.
I am only me and sometimes that can never be good enough.
random thought: some girl on some sight called me ugly, and that I should not post another image of myself. I did not know if I should laugh or frown. I have never been called that, and I wonder if it is some sort of childhood game or grade school learning. I never replied to her rant, but shook my head in disbelief that a grown person could shout out such a silly statement. I do not know her really, nor she, me, but still it was all a very odd thing to see. I never thought of myself being ugly or not. in fact, I do not think I even use that word. even if I were ugly as she states, who really cares. I am above such shallowness.
I share so much here in my blog. it is my diary of sorts and this is me.
on a good note, I just thought of all the "every things" that made me smile this week. I am smiling at those "every things" as I finish typing these last lines.
(now that is the way I like to go out on my blog.)
ciao and happy labor day, my friends. :)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
buon intenditor poche parole...
siccome la casa brucia, riscaldiamoci, si?
******
something beautiful...
Benedetto sia 'l giorno, et 'l mese, et l'anno,
et la stagione, e 'l tempo, et l'ora, e 'l punto,
e 'l bel paese, e 'l loco ov'io fui giunto
da'duo begli occhi che legato m'anno;
et benedetto il primo dolce affanno
ch'i' ebbi ad esser con Amor congiunto,
et l'arco, et le saette ond'i' fui punto,
et le piaghe che 'nfin al cor mi vanno.
Benedette le voci tante ch'io
chiamando il nome de mia donna ò sparte,
e i sospiri, et le lagrime, e 'l desio;
et benedette sian tutte le carte
ov'io fama l'acquisto, e 'l pensier mio,
ch'è sol di lei, sí ch'altra non v'à parte.
in English...
Oh blessed be the day, the month, the year,
the season and the time, the hour, the instant,
the gracious countryside, the place where I was
struck by those two lovely eyes that bound me;
and blessed be the first sweet agony
I felt when I found myself bound to Love,
the bow and all the arrows that have pierced me,
the wounds that reach the bottom of my heart.
And blessed be all of the poetry
I scattered, calling out my lady's name,
and all the sighs, and tears, and the desire;
blessed be all the paper upon which
I earn her fame, and every thought of mine,
only of her, and shared with no one else.
Petrarca
"He was one of a triad of Florentine literary artists who best summarized Italian thought and feeling of the late Middle Ages and early Renaissance (Dante and Boccaccio being the other two). Laura, whose name he was to immortalize in his lyrics, inspired him with a passion that has become proverbial for its constancy and purity."
Today was that day
on the lighter side...
I have a tiny mouse sharing my flat with me. Micheal (my cat) has brought it to me a few times! I had to get a paper bag to release it from his jaws, and of course, it gets away, because I am way to frightened to catch it! he then, walks around crying and sniffing everything. I dislike my new flatmate, but as long as he stays on his side, I can live with it, (I think). ;)
here is something beautiful from one of my best friends, Dawn,
here is something beautiful from one of my sweetest friends, Sheri,
something funny...(I do not curse, so forgive me, but this had me cracking up),
and here is something for my readers and friends,
love you, guys. xo
Monday, August 27, 2007
I fancy a bit of the past
I wish I were a teen during the time of San Francisco's (to me) most fascinating time. I would have one of those nifty bikinis with the ring on the side of the hip, a VW van that was painted all sorts of groovy colors, and wear some of those dresses and boots, as well. Let's not forget the surf board hanging out of the back of that van! ;)
I imagine myself along the beach, giving funky little peace signs to all that pass. I would wear my hair as I do sometimes now, would be against war, and be all for love and peace. Not sure about the freedom as far as sexual activity, or drugs, but I do know that I would be happier in that period. I love so much about that time, from the poets, to the music.
Last Gathering of the Beat Generation Poets and Artists, outside City Lights Bookstore, San Francisco, December 5, 1965
By Larry Keenan (born 1943)
Everything seemed so simpler then, but I doubt it was. The women were absolutely beautiful, the music, electric, psychedelic, and sometimes peaceful like the lovely song, "If you're going to San Francisco".
Lifestyles change so quickly, as do fads like clothing. But have you noticed the clothes from that time have come back? My favorite outfit is a pair of Angel bell-bottoms, any shirt really, and my thick-heeled boots. I love my boots and have lost them in Carmel, and other places, but I always end up finding them. That is another story in itself! ;)
Take your gloves and get out
Sometimes everything seems so restricted--tied on such a tight knot that one can barely move. I say this, and mean the daily routines that we all have. Sometimes, I just want to break free from it all. I know that I was made for more than getting up, showering, brushing my teeth, going to work, school, kick boxing, coming home, and relaxing before doing it all again. I need something more, but what?
I have said this before, I need a release. Sometimes, music is that release--I come home and just dance. I would play piano, but I could not take mine when I moved, because it was much too heavy. Now I am left with keyboards, but they do not match up.
Sometimes, I want to climb the highest cliff and just scream. Odd? Not really. Not if you see it as a calming source. I want to dance there above the sea, swirling around and around in my summer dress and bare feet, until I collapse. I want to feel the wind in my hair... feel life. I have SO much passion in my veins that I feel as if I am about to explode.
Sometimes, I want to smooth myself into a field of flowers, and watch the clouds drift by. I want to swim bare in a secluded pond in a far off forest, with nothing around, but the sounds of the water caressing the bank. I want to be atop the highest building in N.Y. during a soft rainfall, and so much more. But once you grow into an adult, you rarely have time for such things.
I do not want to be a fighter, but a friend, a loved one, a good listener, warm-hearted, innocent (but fiery), and a girl that has purpose. I want to be all I can be.
You know, life moves pretty fast... when was the last time you paused to really see what it has to offer?
Moving on...
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Photography Awards and Accomplishments
USA101.com 22nd Picture of America Contest First Prize Winner:
(Cash Prize $1000.00) - "Insatiable"
USA101.com Picture of America Contest Category Winner:
1) As Colors Unfold II" in the 15th Picture of America Contest
(Cash Prize $100.00)
2)"And the fog rolled in." in 14th Picture of America Contest
(Cash Prize $100.00)
Betterphoto Editor's Pick:
A Quiet Autumn
Insatiable
Swept in Autumn
Shy
*just adding a few, but I will place them somewhere else when I have time to play with html. xoxo
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Carmel, caramel, both candy to the eye
Random thought...
I wish I were in Carmel drinking a caramel machiato or caffè latte. You would find me relaxing on this private beach that I love to escape to, and listening the the sweet sounds of the sea. In Autumn would be even better--wrapped up warmly, viewing the most magnificent of sunrises. I would have my camera beside me, of course.
Such a beautiful thought on this Thursday in August. xo
*An image I shot in Carmel
* The drink of choice. ;)
Monday, August 20, 2007
falling...
my heart feels distant today like out on a limb, alone, as if it were floating into the sea, moving back & forth with the tide, falling & falling. not sure what that means.
today was good--only had a half day at work (filled in for another). But I feel the need for a release; I feel so tight. I wish I were beside the sea right now. I would run along the sand, rush the tides, and even write a bit. I love the oceam so very much. I have said this before, but it can take your breath away, or take your breath in seconds. The sea is so mysterious and pure.
anyway, I think I am going to dance for a bit. I know it sounds all too silly, but it really is a release. (Kickboxing is another.) After the HIPAA inservice this past weekend and all the other trivial events, I just want to dance--to shake loose all the uneventful things that have clung to my dress this past weekend.
I think I will dance to foo fighters "Best of you" for starters. Odd, that song feels as if I am singing the words and recieving some at the same time. Sometimes you just connect to certain selections, like you do with people or places.
I am at an odd place today, worn and open, standing on an avalanche of moments, where it is either sink or dance. I choose dance. ;) xoxoxox
I am only half myself today. (I do not know why I found that amusing). ;)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
*
dear denise,
in october, it will be a year that you were taken so suddenly from us. I miss you. you know, I have done nothing capable of being precisely good-willed since your leaving. I have done nothing notable. I have not touched my camera since feb, except to charge the batteries. you see, I had planned a day of shooting a few weeks ago, but work got to me first.
I wonder how different it will be to shoot images this autumn without you here. I am being selfish, I suppose. I should not think of how my life has changed... I should think of how jessica and tiffanie's lives have changed. I see them on myspace under my other account. they are so torn w/o you. I cannot imagine jessie's emotions, being the one who saw you get hit by that truck.
I picture your death in my head, although I was not there. I see all the different ways you landed after being dragged. I see your daughter's face. I picture the day of your funeral and how you felt so different to me. how I cried while over 300 people sat behind me quiet. it was just you and I up there.
you were always so much better than I... you finished school first, began as a teacher, went to church, had a lovely family, and gave so much to those around you.
me...? that one is easy; I tend to run when I get close to someone, drag my schooling out, get into bad situations, lose people, and I am such a brat. grandad's favorite, right? well, he once told me how he worries about me, because I am so much like him.
our family has quite a good reputation in california, into so many things, and school things as well. but no one can compare to the things he has done and said. even in his biography, he mentions his time as a child in china, and all the things his father accomplished. what I am trying to say is, you were more like him, than I. you always set goals, always reached them; you wanted 2 children after marriage, you did that. you wanted to build a home, you did that. (I know, I built a home, but remember, I walked out of it after a year.) I do not regret that.
I am mad that you left. I am mad that you did not see that truck before it hit you. I am mad that the dog you were trying to save from the road, tried to bite you. if he had not, you would not have gone back a second time with a blanket. sigh.
I am mad that you moved out of the house when I was only 15. we never had a chance to do "teenage" things. then you went to bahrain and so forth. you were always so darn far, denise. I was always busy with things like school and my hobbies.
I wish you were here. I want to make a huge thanksgiving dinner for you and your family. btw, after I built that home and you came to visit, I really loved the things you cooked. I am sorry that I did not go exploring with you on your vacation, and that we got into that tiny spat over whatever it was and, that I made you cry. as big as that house was, there was nowhere to hide from your pain.
I remember lying beside you as we talked about life and how I laughed at how you shaved your legs.
I remember our last phone call. you were coming to get that piece of furniture off my hands. it was such a nice conversation--I told you about the $1000 I won for a photo, and you were so excited to see the image. well, I am sorry you never got that chance.
I want you to know that when I flew to your funeral, I shot so many images of everyone. I actually got a few smiles. I want you to know that I saw the left over salad you left in the fridge, and the sink that you hated, because the way it was placed in the corner. I saw your bedroom and used some of your make up (I did not bring much because of airline regulations). and as I sat on your bed while mary braided my hair,. I felt you there. it was all so surreal.
and on my last day there, as the plane flew away, I blew you a kiss. boy did the tears began to fall.
my life has been so crazy since then, denise. I do not even know if you can see me right now. sometimes, I want to be held close, to feel warmth. who is going to be my sister to do that? I do not want to be the big sister now. I do not know how! I am so "unsettled", denise. I am always multitasking, working, and whatever. I liked it better when you were the older sister and kept us in line. my god, you were so bossy!
do you remember that time in bodega bay? I do. I took $5 from mum (was only 6 yrs old). do you remember how you made me your slave when you found out? you would threaten to tell if I did not clean up your messes and whatnot. sheesh!
or how we would "do" each other's backs? I would scratch yours first (or you would tell mum about the $5) and when it was my turn to get my back scratched, you were asleep? I always knew you were faking. I just allowed it because I loved you.
and I was always jealous at how well you were at riding horses. and when you tried to teach me, I fell off. I was really frightened. I just never showed it. that is why I would lie on dusty's back and sing puff the magic dragon-- it was much more calming (even in the rain). I used to love those foggy sonoma mornings.
I also loved watching all the wonderful things you did. how well you were at everything. you are a great loss to the world.
what I want to say is, you are so beautiful, inside and out. you are my one "stolen" thing. I love you. I wish I knew why it was you that fateful night and not me. perhaps there is something in store for me. perhaps, I just got lucky. I do not feel so lucky, not now, not here without you.
love, cherilyn
p.s. sorry if this letter is so messy and/or all over the place--I just typed as it came out.
p.s.s.
it is a terrible feeling to be able to save lives knowing the ones you love, are much too far to help. I am sorry I was not there, denise.
perhaps my life is to help the ill. perhaps I am here now to continue to do so.
so, why do I lose so many people in my personal life? not to death, but somewhere else. somewhere that I cannot reach them. some just go away, I suppose. I do not know why. I really should hold onto things much tighter. xo
Friday, August 10, 2007
Random things
A Self-Portrait in Late Autumn
... through that ever-
expanding interval, were never more
than these
late bees you'd
scribble: what hung, like sucklings, from the
fat,
dangling clusters; than these desolate, verb-
studded landscapes you'd
murmur, even
hiss into
some other, some ever else-
where's
ear.
Gustaf Sobin
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Friends are forever
one of my best friends, dawn made this for me. it is by far one of the sweetest things given to me this year. I love her so much.
a link to the warmest heart:
http://mrsmississippimom.livedigital.com/
http://mrsmississippimom.livedigital.com/content/picture
thank you, dawn. xoxo
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
As the World Falls Down
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.
There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.
I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now,
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.
Falling
As the world falls down.
*david bowie.
just wanted to share such lovely lyrics.
I am listening to La Valse D'Amelie right now. I highly recommend it.
Don't be surprised
I have grown sooooooooooo bored of it all. I am not kidding. I need excitement to function well. even photography. and that poem? first one since last year. that is how "unexcited" I have become. I need something to bring me to my knees. I have even forgotten what butterflies feel like. odd, yea?
secret? not many understand why I was gone. sigh. but, I am healthy for good. (not sick as in any sort of mind state.) I have been in and out of the hospital. no worries, I am a rebel. :) I can handle anything on my own.
I am back now... I can honestly say that my heart ached being away from my friends. I get very quiet when it comes to being sick and such. now that it is over, I have to repair what has been broken. not sure I have it in me.
not sure I know how.
a few know how I feel and just waited my return.. never underestimating my friendship. grazie. others? they feel rejected, ignored, never knowing how my heart ached. I think for those, the ones that no matter what words I had ever said, felt I had deserted them... I just do not know. my energy is spent. does no one mean what they say anymore? I do. if I have spoken to you about how I feel towards you, know it to be a true feeling. I try to be as good as a friend as I can. no matter where I go or how far I may be, that feeling remains.
I just do not want to feel as if I have done anything wrong. for those who wrote, I left right after thanksgiving, only jumping online at the library when possible. I came back in feb and have not been online at all. not once. my mum did a few things for me, like logging into a few places so my accounts stayed active.
for those who sent birthday wishes, holiday and such to my yahoo account, I am truly sorry--I rarely check that address. I never knew.
yes, I was gone and I never meant to be, but if not that then what? it would always be a feeling of pulling toward me what I need near. should it not already be there warming me? through anything? not just with one person, but a few. I am a friend once and always... I do not quickly change my heart each day. my feet are much more grounded than that.
I truly, truly love you with all I have. all of you. next time I go away, please keep that with you. please do not make me suffer when I return. please do not make me chase you. honestly, I will not. I never felt the urge to chase anyone. moments pass much too quickly, should we not just enjoy them?
sorry for the rant. like I said, in an odd sorts today. hugs.
Hide tides
ok, I am finally back. I must say, I am so far behind with everything. if you have sent me an email, please be patient.
my trip was most satisfying. I must have collected 100lbs of sea glass. not sure what I will do with it. I spent a lot of time beside the sea gathering my thoughts, healing from my sister's death, and shooting images.
I came across some wonderful scenes in Newport, on Goat Island, Sabin's Point, and such. I must confess that I am very disorganized at the moment--my images are all over the place. I also have them on Cds and on another computer that is now in my storage. as time passes, I will gather them and post the scenes that captured my heart.
Congrats to my friend, Patrick Carrington on his new chapbook release, Thirst, winner of Codhill Press’ 2006 Poetry Chapbook Prize. Patrick Carrington teaches creative writing in New Jersey and is the poetry editor for the art and literary journal Mannequin Envy (www.mannequinenvy.com). His poetry has appeared in The Connecticut Review, The Potomac Review, Rattle, The Evansville Review, and many other journals. Rise, Fall, and Acceptance (MSR Publishing, 2006), his first full collection, is available at Main St. Rag's online bookstore (www.mainstreetrag.com).
you can order a copy and see how talented he is here:
http://www.codhill.com/
I will jump back into my IBPC position and attempt to get The Versifier back up to 500 posts a day. I am also beginning school again soon and changing my work hours to weekend doubles--7am to 11pm on sat & on sun.
on another note, from east to west: bicoastal verse (print edition #1) is out. I am honored to be a part of such a wonderful group.
The print is a lively selection from three years of featured poets at the journal "from east to west: bicoastal verse" including Jack Anders, Coleen Shin, John Sweet, April Ossmann, James Lineberger, Jalina Mhyana, Tara Birch, Terry Lucas, PJ Nights, Tammy Trendle, Valentina Bonnaire, Dorothy D. Mienko, AnnMarie Eldon, Chris Crittenden, Kerri Rochelle, Tasha Klein, Wendy Howe, Jill Chan, Jennifer VanBuren, Craig Kirchner, Jenni Russell, Edward J. O’Brien, Cherilyn Ferroggario, Paul Adrian Mabelis, Gary Lawless, Christine Kiefer, Neil C. Leach, Jr., Graeme Mullen, Sarah Wilson, Ray Sweatman, Tom Blessing, Yolanda Calderon-Horn, and George Wallace. Pj and Ray have done a splendid job. congrats to them.
you can pick up a copy here:
http://www.lulu.com/content/779500
I appreciate the email, well wishes, and just plain happy letters that fill my inbox. it make me very warm to know that what I do can make others smile. to see some of my new work, please go to my Live Digital site. I have only posted a few; I am on wireless as of saturday and my reception likes to go low at certain times. I try to do what I can.
In an odd mood today, really.
* a poem I am working on. it is only in it's 2nd draft. it is not about any certain someone... just a piece. anyway, I am going to have some rice krispies and get some things done. have a wonderful day.
[like a sonata clinging to the skin]
draft II
I dream underwater, where we
are fingertip to fingertip
against
a calming sea.
I dream in color of black and white,
of photographs, like clouds
pressed into a noon-day sky.
I dream of nightfall, where
a somber breeze warms the air,
where the images de-
scend to scattered streetlamps,
exposing this dream,
our bodies, the moon
almost perfectly.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Point Pleasant, NJ
What a year
not sure how I feel today. I have to get my license switched (I am moving out of state the day before thanksgiving) and some other things today. sadly, I will not be celebrating either my birthday or thanksgiving this year. my flat is full of boxes and I am so exhausted in every way.
what a year this has been, yea?
I want to thank all the lovely people that gave their well wishes. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many warm people.
I have been spending much of my time here:
http://ferroggiaro.livedigital.com/
it seems to keep my mind occupied at the moment.
I plan on sitting on the beach next week and getting some writing done. I have not done much as of late. I might even send some submissions out sometime in january. most of my recent pieces were asked for by a few publishers - some I submitted.
I have run across some of the greatest editors this year. one editor worked with me on a piece until it was in tip-top shape. I am forever grateful to him (thank you, patrick).
anyway, I have sat here and stared at this entry for over an hour. I suppose I am just not up to adding one. I will anyway. I wish you all a wonderful and warm holiday. xo
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Scorpio [me]
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest people are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they are one of a kind.
hmm... the fearless (and prob more) I would have to disagree with. I am a scorpio and I found out this past week - I am also a fraidy cat. I do not like to be that way. I wish I were stronger. I have not written a thing in days either - I hope I can gather my thoughts enough to write. I do not want to write of my sister - I want to let her memory rest a bit. I am tired of talking about it. is that bad? I dunno, but it does not mean I do not miss her; my heart feels as if it has been ripped open. and my birthday is less than a month away - all I want is peace.
anyway, gnite.
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