Peace and Sunshine :)

(An image I took in Monterey Bay)

What a lovely morning it has been. :)

... oops, allow me to apologize first for not replying to many letters, SMSs, and such. I have been quite busy with many things. I know that is no excuse, but some of those days, it was quite impossible for me to converse. So with that, I send the biggest and warmest hug. :)

K,... where was I,...

Well, my morning was indeed precious and Peaceful. Be sure, I smiled so much. To begin, the entire area was covered in a soft, cool fog. Mathew sung the most beautiful of melodies into the air, and other significant things happened. :)

It is always so pleasant to share a smile, laughter, and Peace with another. I hope you all get that chance as I did last night with See-saw. You all deserve it. :)

It has been raining, so everything is covered in crystal water drops. The breeze brings such a scent, as well. It goes through you as if it were in your veins. It is quite soothing. And with the breeze, the trees create their own song--swaying back and forth as if to say, "Dance with me."

I really wish you all could have witnessed nature here these past days. It is completely unforgettable. ... as are other moments passed. :)

In other news:

Benedict is still on the evil side. He has destroyed my entire flat! Haha! By the way, in case you were wondering, here is the latest image of him:



Hmm,... what else ...


Well, I need to get going now.

So last, but not least, I wish each and every one of you the most beautiful of days. :)

-Cher

p.s I know, I know, I already had this posted today. I just reposted this from this afternoon as to make adjustments and so on. :) Ciao!

Hmm,...

Looking back and forward

I was in the bath a few moments ago and began to think of this boy. He was 19, I, 16. Well, I went on one date with him (I think it was for a coke). Anyway, the next day when he called I told him that I did not want to see him anymore. I guess it was because of private reasons that made me seem mean. I did not like his hair or laugh.

He called and called over the next few days. Finally, I answered. He told me of his love for me, but I would not budge. He came to see me about a month later. We talked for about an hour. He told me that he still loved me. Well, I was so preoccupied with whatever it was, and I never really paid much attention. Two days later, he was driving with my best friend's boyfriend and said he was torn up over me. He then rushed his car into an intersection, and into a concrete divider.

My friend's boyfriend flew out as the car went into the air. Doug did as well, but the automobile landed on top of him. He died.

Curious, when my best friend was told, she swore she had just seen him drive past her flat. She said he waved. She even described what he was wearing. Sadly, he died the night before, so he could not have driven by.

There are a handful or so of guys that I have hurt. I wanted to say sorry. I am far from shallow, and really was not at the time either. But I was young and the only thing I cared about was my schooling.

I am sorry.

I never paid much attention to boys. That could make me inexperienced. I could be a lot of things really,... but one thing I am not, is a bad person. And no matter who enjoys being with me, and who would prefer to leave,... I am still me. I am Cher.

And, there is so much more behind the name, then a writer, photographer, medical professional, and other things. ... there is a heart. One huge heart that lives and loves with arms wide open.

What I am most of all is, strength. I made it through so much.
... and I am still alive and kicking.

I have been the strength for others, the hand they held onto. I have been the smile that has dried tears. ... I am so much wrapped into one package. I may not be perfect--I have had my share of mistakes. But if those mistakes can make someone choose to let go of me in any way: friendship, love, family, or acquaintance, instead of help me overcome my flaws, then they quite probably will lose one of the best things in their life.

That would be a pity, because I really try my best,... even when it seems not good enough. Everyone deserves another chance. And, I am not talking just about being a couple, but within all situations, families, love and life.

A priest once said, "It's never too late to realize what is important in life and fight for it."

Never give up in life. Who would that make you? I really reach to the fullest, and then some. :) ... sometimes I feel like giving up, but I never really do.

"We must always try to think things through, from every possible perspective. We owe it to ourselves to use our intelligence and to acquire all relevant information, good and bad. We must remember, though, that the purpose of a future is to surprise us. If existence did not retain, under all circumstances, its capacity to do that, what would be the point of it? You cannot, now, see quite how to climb a particular mountain or move a certain obstacle. Just because you cannot yet see it, does not mean you will not see it soon. You do not have a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity."

If you really want something, it takes work. If it came easily, it probably is not as appreciated.

Even love--no matter what sort of relationship, it takes a lot to keep it strong and healthy. And it is not a burden or task, but something that comes to us naturally, like the rain.

It is quite pleasing to have a heart full of love and laughter, yes? :)

I hope everyone knows how to be themselves, work hard, and sit back to enjoy where that takes them. It is a reward like no other. And, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. :)

A big hug and an animated image to each and every one of you.



-Cher

Deeper than the stillness of night,...

... are the moments when reverberations gently die down.

Hidden in the creases of the city streets, they become old
fables sung through time. And there is no traffic or wind,
only sweetness in the air—

a subtle shift of the horizon, open like the sea, like a first
kiss rendered, as distance becomes precious moments
along the wall, a summer eve, or a future within reach.

It is that sense of clarity that lightens before the open eye,
... that one split-second before it all rushes on.

*Draft I


*Photograph, V/C Collaboration

Romanticism

... like a whisper in the dark.

Like the open sea

(An image I took in the forest.) :)

I am finally waking. ;) ... it was a long night for me, full of contemplations, sleepiness, smiles, tears, and rain. It looks as if it might rain today, as well. I really hope so. :) Somehow the rain is such a soothing sound to me. I adore it a lot.

Funny, I just read my last post; what typos and such! Haha! Eh, it is not supposed to be perfect, because I am far from it myself. ;)

(Well, I AM perfect at being a brat! ... it is in my blood.) ;)

You know, Peace fills my flat today with sunshine (on and off) and music. It is like being beside the open sea, feeling its beauty in the air,... its faith in all to come.

I think I will listen to my play list here and clean for awhile. I have a long week ahead, so I need to get some things finished ahead of time.

Happy Father's Day to all!

Big, big hugs to your hearts!

-Me

p.s. I will post those images of the glass house later tonight. (Well, I will try to remember to do that!) ;)

Explosion / Explosión

Explosion / Explosión
Originally uploaded by victor_nuno

Explosion / Explosión

"Expansion. Looking for the growth, for the limits. Maybe, ... to leave them behind? It is our soul, in the wish to overcome our limitations.



Expansión. Buscando un crecimiento, buscando los límites. Quizá, ... ¿para dejarlos atrás? Es nuestra alma, en el deseo de superar nuestras limitaciones."

(I adore that image. He is not only a wonderful person, but an ideal photographer.) :)

Update on these past few days:

Hmm,... a quick list: went to the YMCA gym and did some strength training, went into the steam room, sauna (did crunches on the bench), whirlpool, had a shower and blow dry, and then out for iced coffee. Hung out with a friend at his place and talked about relationships, love, and so on.

Went to Allentown, went for a walk, did paperwork for work, worked on images, and washed my car. :) (... yes, I get it washed, unlike some girls. I just like everything clean.) I even bough leather conditioner and these cute little pads that buff it in. :)

Moving on:

Went for an Orange Julius with Terry. Went to the ER. I watched that movie 30 days of night (or something like that). Worked, cried, laughed, smiled, worked, and worked!

Spent time on my Skype phone, mobile phone, and such,... speaking with loved ones. Went and had a few drinks with the girls, spoke with Stefan and Auggie that night, as well. Funny, Stefan left a voice mail asking if I was still on the planet because he had not heard from me. Haha! Hmm,... of course brats remain on the planet to misbehave and cause the world to drop to its knees. :o Right? (Better be right!) ;)

Anyway, I am home for the moment. I just got back from the hospital and am a bit tired, but am going to go on a train ride later. I will take my camera with me and add some images here later. (Ooops, I have been asked to finally add those images that I spoke of earlier of the glass house. Sorry! I will do so later, as well.) :)

Today is a day that no matter how it began, I will fill it up with SO many smiles. I will not bother with sleepiness or sadness,... I will just embrace the day.

Martin, my sweet friend, I must add: thank you for wishing Mathew to sing me sweet songs. He is indeed! In fact, I came home to his lovely songs. :) You know, you are always there for me. I really look forward to speaking on the phone Sunday evening. It has been forever, yea? :)

Oh my gosh, something funny: Auggie and I were speaking, but he made me upset so I hung up on him. Well, he left me a voice mail SO angry! I ignored it for hours, but finally listened and laughed. I returned his call and told him this! Haha! HE was like, "You laughed at my being upset, Cher? I actually flung my mobile phone! Haha!" I said, "Auggie, laughed? Ohhhhhhh, I listened a few times before calling back, just to laugh again!" ( A big hug to you, Auggie!) :)

Hahaha! Guys are too much, yea? I mean, in his voice mail he said that I was lucky he was even calling me back! Ahahaha! (See? A bit bratty, but I am funny, yes? Haha!) ;)

Well, I just got in and am heading for a shower and some Advil (I hit my head very hard on the bathtub last night, and it still hurts.) Also, I need to clean up the mess Benedict left for me. Seems he does not like things on the table, sooooooo he pushes them all off! A bratty cat for a bratty me!

(I am speaking to Victor right now, and spoke aloud as I am typed about Benedict. He stated, "Obviously that is not about me!" He laughed.)

Anyway, he keeps speaking of my "Please hold on for one second, Victor" statement and laughing. So, I better go (it has been 1 minute or so)... and he says it sounds as if I am playing some rap music with my typing, while calling me a brat! Ugh! Haha! ;)



Who is the brat? Me? ... no way! It is all of you, be sure! :o

Sending my smile to you all, along with the world's biggest and best hug. Enjoy your Saturday to its fullest. :)

-Cher

The Sweetest Thing

I am doing paperwork for work and decided to stop in for a quick post.



(An image I took some time ago.)

While driving in my car tonight, the traffic seemed so noisy, but was quickly faded within so many thoughts that went through my mind. And so it is, my heart feels quiet tonight; it is almost as if it has nothing to say. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. But like I said, my mind went in so many directions. (Sometimes it is hard to think in public places.)

When beside the sea, one can think so much better about life and such. I guess it is the peace that comes along in the salty air. Sometimes i like to sit in the warm sand, pull my knees to my chest, and gaze for what seems like hours. It is in those moments, that my soul feels at ease. Just something about the atmosphere; so much beauty caught in one place, one view, one heart.

And if you truly believe, you can look over your shoulder and feel your prince charming waiting in the wings to come to your rescue. I suppose when a child, all girls believed. I used to dream of love that is everlasting. ... I still do.

( I know my heart can love unconditionally. I know it gives its all. I just know.)

I wish for happiness. Not a big wish at all, but there is more to come:

To be taken away to a place where love outlasts the season, where I breathe in the scent of rain and roses, see a fallen star, where my smile reaches all four horizons,... kisses the corners of existence, that is what I long for.

To dance barefoot amid the autumn air, my hair sweeping the leaves that fall, hands out and open, inviting a leaf or two to land softly and be released into the sunset. A precious moment indeed.

I guess what I need is simplicity. I am not speaking of simple days without complication, because that is life, and if everything was easy, it could get quite boring. What I speak of is, simple things like to see the changing from winter to spring, the scent of summer, a sole flower alive and well, reaching for the sun. Perhaps to feel the breeze against my cheek, or to see beauty in all around me. To me, that is true simplicity. ... and it a soul song, be sure.

I need someone to hold me all night, to keep tears from falling, a slow dance that lasts for hours, a long and loving hug, and can I add general taos chicken to that list? Eh, I do not need to ask--consider it added! (A brat moment. Sorry!)

... no I am not! ;)

Ok, serious stuff now:

These are what I need and get from Life. I am grateful. And, I need them as I need air, love, and comfort. I gather them like rain and hold each one dear to my heart. And there are so many more things that bring simplicity, like a smile from a loved one or a hug from behind. I will never take anything for granted.

... especially a phone call when my heart is hurting. A soft voice to calm the tears and hold my hand. ... it is one of Life's joys, a hug directly to the core.

Another thing that hugs my heart is volunteering my time to read to ill children. I know to some it may sound tiring, but it is not at all. In fact, it is quite the opposite. And there is something so precious deep within the smile of a child; something that can only bring a smile to your own lips, and quite quickly. It is the gift of bringing happiness to someone other than yourself. :) ... it is the sweetest thing.

"The heart will cause an inferno..." I do not know why, but I really like that line. (... that was a random thought.) ;) Hey, I am a brat, random thoughts are so allowed here! ;)

A lot of randomness in this post, but after a day of walking down the corridor, being pulled into patient's rooms, gathering information and needs, making a mental list of all, and still having a list there for other things, you just do not have time to think on much else. Then, when all is calm and you have a moment alone, that is when all else pours out. ... like in my blog tonight; more or less, random thoughts strung together like seashells, glistening and waiting their turn to be heard. :)

Anyway, I have a long day tomorrow, so I should end this post. And besides, my mobile just rang, so I will see who is in need of Mc Brat's attention! :) Haha!

Buona notte, my friends. xoxo

Quanto ti amo,...

Today is a very hard day for me.



On the sands, dusk will not appear for minutes. But outward, where the waters lift themselves, light has already begun to fade. There are no dwellers, no sounds, no one singing spring songs. The only sound is my voice–subtle beside the edge of the open sea– (now and then, a stray sigh of zephyr that brushes the crag, stirring the limbs of trees, before slipping off into the horizon).

It is May, and the shores, which will be full in June, allowing joyful tourists to bask in the warm sun, are quiet as though they have never known the stain of a heart blown away. And I cannot breathe,... it is as though I had sung a thousand books of poetry, strung a string of photographs, solemn as the seasons that have slipped through my hands. I could never have hung onto anything that good. Forgive me.

Dusk has fallen, and the ocean currents begin to still. Above the crag, an evening star pulsates in a solitary dance for the hopeful–a melody composed from the hands of an angel. I close my eyes and begin to cry.

I begin the path home on my own, carrying your words huddled close to my chest, the distant sounds of warm laughter, my rosary, and a prayer,...

... they are all I have to hold onto.

*Draft II

***********************

I would give anything to dry these tears. I would give anything for a hero to come along and mend my broken heart. Sadly, I find it hard to believe in fairy tales anymore. Even love. Even more,... trust.

You know, I do not even know what to say. I am almost embarrassed to feel such sorrow or appear to be so weak. But I have never hurt like this. I ask you all to forgive me for such sad posts. I am so sorry. :( I am sorry.

I guess I just need to write it out. Does it help? Not really. I need Peace.

Besides all that, I am an Italian brat, yea? I am not supposed to have a broken heart,...

Auggie just called, right in the middle of my tears (and me writing in this blog). And as they ran down my phone, he hugged me with warm words. He told me not to cry. He said that I have him. He said to call as soon as a I felt like crying. And I really wish I were in San Francisco with him. I know he would cook me such a good lunch and make me smile. (Thanks Auggie.)

I need to thank Jim for the songs sent to my email to make me smile, as well. I have not even replied to any of them. (I am sorry.)

You know, I really feel like a baby for crying so much. I never even cried this much over my sister's death, you all know that. You saw my blog. It has nothing to do with the amount of love; it is just a completely different kind of pain. And, I would rather go through the worst case scenario, than the breaking of a heart that I always try to keep so kind and loving. I guess if you put it out there, it is bound to be stomped on.

I guess nothing is always what it seems. But I love him. I really do. He is such a fantastic person with a gentle heart. He has been there for me through this.

So many people have been there for me. I really am grateful. Martin is amazing. I wish he were here. He is such a wonderful friend to me. And Meghan, she hugged me and said how she hates to see me so sad. I guess all the hugs in the world cannot put a broken heart back together. Pity.

God knows, Victor dries a lot of my tears too. Seems they fall so randomly anymore. I mean, one day is alright, the next, not so good. I guess it will take time for me to mend. It will take forever for my love to fade. ... forever is so far away.

How can anyone not love me? Not that I think I am SO lovable, it is just that I know I give such good love in a relationship. I give music, poetry, my heart and so much more. How can anyone walk away from that? I guess I just make it easy. Who knows.

(I make plenty of mistakes, as well, be sure.)

Again, I ask God to bring me Peace. And as I take a deep breath, I will stop typing now.

Heart thoughts

(A couple images of Philadelphia.)





Later, I will add some of this building made entirely of glass. It has glass bottles, mirrors, and more. Quite amazing indeed. I have an open mind and enjoy witnessing such creative things. I really find it heart-warming. :) (I also enjoy seeing people trip on the sidewalk, but that must be my bratty side!) ;)

Anyway, yesterday was quite interesting, to say the least. Meghan and I painted for a few hours and then we went to dinner with Todd (I had a yummy salad and chicken chili soup). My soup was disgusting hahaha! :) We had a good time indeed. Afterwards we saw fireworks near the stadium club. We drove to the mountaintop to be closer, and it seemed as if they were falling right over our heads. It was incredibly beautiful. I thought a lot as I watched them. I do not have to say about what. :) ... just contemplations.

When I arrived back to my flat, I was asked to come into work. It was a long night of patient growls, but I enjoyed it. In fact, if they were not growling, I would assume they were just pretending to be ill, as to hang out with me! ;) (That was a joke, by the way!) :o

Soooooooooo, here I am. I will soon shower and get a bit of rest. You know, I feel peaceful inside this morning. I smile for so much.

... most of all, Life.

My soul seems soothed today. It needs it, be sure. And my heart feels quiet. It is hard to explain, but it just feels quiet, like tiny heart thoughts.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the fact that Mathew is outside in the tree right now, and singing the most beautiful of songs. I think he is smiling, as well. :) (I wish I could hug him, but I doubt that lil' bird wants that! Hahaha!) ... I would force one on him, like I do Michael, my bratty cat! :)

I will not mention Benedict today. Maybe something like, (He is the most brattiest kitten I have ever seen, and in trouble for dragging ALL my socks from my drawer and into my living room!) :o

Way too many brats in one flat. ;)

-Me

Sending sweet hugs to all your hearts today! :)

(How funny, I just received an SMS as I wrote that. It said, "Good morning, sweetie." See? I am giving off sweet hugs, be sure!)

Ok, ciao brats! :)

Philadelphia and more

Just a quick post.



It was a long day in Philadelphia, but I did manage to see some beautiful things while there. We had dinner in Chinatown, took some images, and other things in the late afternoon. The ride home was full of conversation, but my mind wandered out the window. I thought a lot about the things that I would like to change about myself, I thought of people close to my heart, of the weekend, how the sunset seemed to follow us, and how kind it was to hear Meghan tell me that she had a crush on me.

I adore her, but my heart is not free. Also, I like men, not women. :) I guess she does, as well (she has a boyfriend). But nonetheless, it was flattering. It was sweet how she said, "Cher, I am kinda getting a crush on you." I looked at her quickly, and she finished with, "... not a lot, Cher. Just a small one." She then smiled. I smiled at her. I guess I never really replied.

My head turned towards the window, and I drifted away into the music and thoughts of Victor. I remember wishing I could hear his laughter at that moment. (Something sweet to get lost in. Something to enhance the song, "No air" that was playing...

... only, there was air. And it felt good to breathe.)

It may sound odd, but I can honestly look back into the past and smile. I look into the future, and I smile, as well. I guess a smile looks best on an Italian brat's face, yea? ;) Besides, my tears are getting tired of spilling!

... as is my heart. Well, it will always spill sweetness to all I see. (Hopefully, anyway!) :)

(That was only part of my day, but all I feel like sharing at the moment. My morning was a bit tougher. BUT, not as tough as I am!) ;) Eh, it is over now,... and today is here. :)

Today is peaceful for me, by the way. I had a great phone conversation and a lot of smiles, an SMS that said, "Smile, God loves you, and so do I.", and some other nice things. Now I am going to go paint with Meghan for awhile.

I am going to finish my day with nothing but a smile. And, it will feel good in my heart and soul.

A very big hug,
Cher

Laughter and tears

What an odd, but fun day yesterday.

It started not so good, but those kind of days sometimes turn out for the better. In the afternoon I painted a lot. Meghan and I talked a lot on life and such. And we laughed so much over this guy who we had thought was with his mother. It was in fact, his girlfriend. He was so angry with us, but we could not help but giggle.

You see, she had a pair of trousers held up against his waist in the department store. I whispered to Meghan, "How cute, his mum is buying him trousers." Then at the cashier, Meghan said, "There is that guy, Cher." We smiled, but he gave us such a bad look. Then out at Meghan's car, he stopped. He asked us what was wrong. He told us she was pregnant. That confused us. So we said, "Your mum is pregnant? Not sure what that has to do with anything." He screamed, (... and I mean screamed) "She's not my mother!!!"

He then put his middle finger out and drove away fast. Well, what could we do? We had to laugh, yea? ;) What made me laugh was the way he screamed it. I mean, it was SO whiny. Almost as if he had to explain that to others prior to us. I do not know.

Afterwards, Sara and I went for sushi, went to the supermarket, I emailed a few people, turned on my play list here and then went to sleep. Well, I guess I could mention the fact that I have not driven my new car at night before, (maybe once, but I have forgotten). So, I sat in it for about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to turn the lights on. How did I do it? Well, that is easy, I used the owner's manual! Hahahaha! ;) (I parked near a light pole, and did not notice the lights were already on.... so, I drove with the high beams for about a half of a mile!)

I assume it will be a nice day,... I woke to the sounds of Mathew singing outside in a tree. (He is so beautiful.) I have a busy day with an appointment, have to go to my work, and am meeting up with my friend Joey for coffee this afternoon.

Scott and I might meet up in Philadelphia this weekend for some relaxing photography, food, and attractions. Scott has been my friend for years. We have decided that he will be my lawyer if I ever have a malpractice suit, and I will save his life in the ER someday! Hahaha! (Nope!) ;) (We always tease each other.) In fact, he can be a bigger brat than I could ever be! Really! His motto is: "Behaving badly is still behaving!" See? Haha!

Hmm, what else can I say here this morning? :)

I was just looking for an image to place in this post, and smiling. I saw some images of Victor in my photobucket account. Then I notice "Far Away" playing here on my play list. I feel a tear coming down my cheek, and I think I will finish this post in a moment.

My poor heart. Again, you either stand or you fall. The thing is, I told him when he first said he loved me, "No." Then I began to really trust it all. To trust him. Now look where I am. And you guys ask why I do not trust much? Why I want a heart of stone? Why, why, why. I guess I fell.

And he JUST told me about 3 weeks ago how much he adored me. He JUST said he was SO in love with me.

I sent him an email on 4/30. It had a wish in it of the sun kissing his cheek. I wished him a beautiful day. (And I had really wished this for him.) His response:

"My Cherilyn, dearest,

... and the sun came, and spoke to me of you. And he told me not nice things to the mind, but beautiful ones to the heart. And he sent me a kiss, as warm as only a nice sunlight can give in a special moment. I closed my eyes, and I enjoyed the moment. Smiling. Smiling in my heart.

Such is my morning, and such is the kiss I felt, my dear, with the sun and your words. With your heart and your feelings.

And I can only but say:

I love you so much, my dearest!!!"

And I had no idea that when he wrote that, he was planning on leaving me. How could I have known within such sweet and loving words. Perhaps they were just words.

How can you fall out of love so quickly? And, what can I do? I must realize that smiles can be deceiving. I just love people so much and truly believed. I am not angry with him at all. In fact, I only hope good things for him, because he is truly a good person. It is just that I think it killed my heart. ... or at least severed it. All I can say that it has taught me a valuable Life lesson.

I see the best in everyone. I thought I had something with him, but he said no. I will just add him to the list of...

(I just do not know what side he is on, you know?)

Not to joke about it, but I guess a person can only handle a brat for so long, yea? ;) I joke through tears,... I guess it helps. It also helps to write about it. It soothes my soul somewhat. Perhaps it just pushes the knife into my chest further? Who knows. But this is my diary and I see no reason to candy-coat my life, words, or thoughts. I just write it as I see it. It all comes from my heart, whether it is good or not. Sadly, my heart speaks through pain at the moment. ((Hugs))

My new motto: "Give me what you got. Go ahead, put it out there, I am all ears."

Anyway, I feel extremely sleepy today, and have not had coffee yet. I am going to go make some, take a bath, and go on with my day.


-Cher

Cannot sleep tonight

I have been away all weekend, more or less. Not where I wanted to be indeed, but where I had to be. And I just cannot sleep tonight. My chest feels as if it is caving in.

A poem I just wrote:

The ocean moves in and out as I gradually pass
in thought. The breeze caught in my hair, moves
it from my face, revealing a solitary tear that falls
and then shatters, before touching the bitter sand.

... and everywhere I saunter I count my breaths,
slip through your fingers—
safe inside your empty eyes, I leave traces of
broken wings, like floodgates opening into the
sea.

I have been to this place many times in the past
weeks. I have spoken in circles against the waves,
prayed for air,...
... prayed for something to reach in and embrace
my weary and discarded heart.

I see my life and your roses in the hands of
strangers, the petals washed onto the shores
of Spain. ... and I do not think I will take the
photograph. I will try to imagine it beautiful.

The wind picks
up its pace.

I find a place beside the deluge. My body sinks to
sand—a collapse of all known structure, or perhaps
a breaking apart of the simple soul.

Shadows fade my once elated reflection. And like
last season beneath your boot,
I am no more.

(When fear
darkens the view, there does not have to be reason.)

Do not weep—hold onto me. I have recited poetry
in the rain. I have sung the highest notes immersed
in rosaries and tête-à-tête. And although you left
my side, our song remains forever.

So, look for me in the fallen leaves, where the body
becomes the dove, and all words spoken may be
forgotten.

And I will succumb to lessons learned in far away
places, where the moon blisters into a slow-motion
nothingness, and love seems to crush beneath
the soft breast.

I am quite sure it needs an edit, but I am not too worried about it right now.

Goodnight.

A heart is a heart,...

... in any language.

Been a long week for me. Ugh! ;)

I have had SO much to do! Well, it is over for now anyway, yea? That is a good thing. I may go to NYC this weekend just to get away. Not sure at the moment. I am thinking more on the "I will not go" side right now.

I really need to get out and get some images. I know that it brings so much Peace to my heart. Trust me, my heart needs it. My soul needs kissed.

Curious, someone told me yesterday, while sitting beside me on a sofa, "You are gorgeous, Cher. This is one of those moments that I will never forget. This moment speaking to you. Your personality is so cool. You know, you meet people at parties and places like that. And the next day, you forget a lot of them. But you, well, you are unique. I will not forget you"

I forget my answer. I think it was a bratty one, like "I know." And I laughed. (Well, I then thanked them, of course. But I had to joke a little, yes?) They smiled.

Hmm,... I remember thinking, "Whatever." I mean, I am having some serious trust issues at the moment, and I just do not believe much anymore. I guess actions, for me, speak louder than words. More now than ever. Not only that, it is also the fact that when told I was beautiful by someone these last few weeks, I wonder if those words were true. ... Or perhaps just to bring me a smile. (I think they used to be true in March or so.)

Gosh, I want to believe they still really think that. Not that I need to be told how I am, it is just that I need to feel words as much as hearing them. Maybe it is because I am a writer. Maybe it is because I am a brat. Perhaps it is for some other reason. Who knows.

Random thought: Why do so many people leave? Well, not a lot of people, but the ones that I need and love, like my sister and others? Why? It makes it so hard to breathe. So very hard.

In other news, I felt sick last night. In fact, I had a hard time sleeping. Then I was called into work very late. I am home now, but I am on my way to an appointment.

Last night seemed to be the longest night of my life. I spoke to a colleague and read some information. Afterwards, I went to the restroom and prayed. I prayed for so much. Mostly, I prayed for air. The one person that I know who really cares, is God. So, I had to unload my heart to him.

I just feel like collapsing. My heart hurts. It has endured much more than anyone deserves. Perhaps it is what I deserve.

I guess it is all inside. I mean, it depends on how much you care, yea? The more you care, the more your heart will hurt. That is why I am starting to believe that a heart of stone is much better than the one I have inside my chest. At least that way, no one can get inside. Not at all. Well, not without a hammer. And, the ones that are deep within my heart already,... will remain forever.

I am now running late, and I am rambling on here. I have about 15 minutes to get to my appointment! (Yes, I am that bratty!!!)

So, a big hug for you all. Sorry for any typos, but I have no time to worry about such things at the moment. Have a nice day. xo

-Cher

His Song

On the sands, dusk will not appear for minutes.
But outward, where the waters lift themselves,
light has already begun to fade.

There are no dwellers, no sounds, no one singing
spring songs. The only sound is my voice–subtle
beside the edge of the open sea–

(now and then, a stray sigh of zephyr that brushes
the crag, stirring the limbs of trees, before
slipping off into the horizon).

It is May, and the shores, which will be full
in June, allowing joyful tourists to bask in
the warm sun, are quiet as though they have
never known the stain of a heart blown away.

It seems like years since you have wanted me.
And I cannot wake you tonight to plead for
a heart that has forgotten my smile–this will,
the strength of pulse-tide, holds me at bay.

And I cannot breathe. It is as though I had sung
a thousand books of poetry, solemn as the seasons
that have long since gone.

For an second I pause, fingers holding auburn
curls behind an ear– (I thought I heard you call
out my name, but it is only the vibration
of a soul sinking into the sand).

I bring with me a journal of leather, and a new verse
for you, my love. But my sight, blurs through salted
lashes–this place is murder.

And I feel your Spanish eyes. I recall how they smiled
beautifully, when needing me. They must now be wet,
for I have lost you within the fog. I could never have
hung onto anything that good. Forgive me.

Dusk has fallen, and the ocean currents begin to still.
Above the crag, an evening star pulsates in a solitary
dance for the hopeful. A melody composed from
the hands of an angel.

Night draws in.

The cold wind surrounds me, as tears begin to fall
again against my skin, and into my once full hands.
It feels terribly autumn.

I begin the path home on my own, carrying your words
huddled close to my chest, the distant sounds of warm
laughter, and the prayer that you might adore me
again someday.

... they are all I have to hold onto.


*Draft II

Breath of Life

I woke to the sound of Mathew's songs. He sits in a tree outside my flat and seems to be ringing in the beautiful new day. I am listening to Vivaldi, as well. I believe it is, "Violin concerto in a minor".

Sadly, I am on my way out. The good thing is that no matter where I go today, the morning's Peace will follow.

I will read to the children this morning. I am really looking forward to that. Gosh, just to feel their warmth, is but a gift. Even though the entire unit is nothing but ill children, there is always a sense of hope there. To volunteer some of your time to others is very rewarding indeed.

Afterwards, I stop at my work for a quick meeting, call my doctor, and buy some cat food for the terrors that reside in my flat with me. (By the way, Benedict has bitten through the antenna on my stereo.) Odd, I am starting to believe he is a mouse! ;)

Yesterday afternoon was a nice one. I had a beautiful conversation with laughter and tears. The best thing to come from it,... the closing of the conversation with smiles. :) Smiles can do so much to the soul.

If I could, I would be playing the piano right in this moment. - Random thought.

I found a penny yesterday. They say if you throw it over your shoulder and make a wish, it will come true. Well, I did, but it hit my head. What would that mean? :o

Oh, and I found this excellent band! I really recommend them.



Haha! (Sorry, I had to be a brat at least once!)

Well, I hope you all have a most wonderful and peaceful day. Sending you such a big hug from the bottom of my heart.

-Cher

Questionnaire:

What is your middle name?
May

Have you ever kissed an ex?
No

Would you?
No

What color are your eyes?
Sometimes dark brown. Sometimes a lighter brown.

Are you a good person?
Hmm,... I try my best to be. I make many mistakes.

Do you believe in god?
With all my heart.

What kind of flowers do you like?
I adore all nature. It is peaceful to me.

What kind of t.v. do you own?
Philips

What kind of cell phone?
One that dislikes tears. ;)

What kind of car or truck do you own?
Audi

Do you change your own oil in it?
Ummm,... I do not know how to do that. And, what an odd question!

What kind of computer?
Compaq

What kind of job do you have?
A wonderful one.

Do you like your job?
Absolutely.

Do you have any pets?
Hmm,... not sure they are pets! ;)

What's your favorite time of year?
Autumn

Do you miss someone right now?
I miss many people. I do miss a certain "somebody" though. :)

What are you wearing?
Jeans and a white blouse.

Do you like to be barefoot?
Yep :)

Are you now?
No

Do you believe in dating more than one person at a time?
No

Have you ever cheated on anything? A lover? A test?
No. No. No.

Have you ever stolen anything?
Hmmm,... I do not think so. Maybe a heart or two ;)

Last question:
If you could be anywhere right now, where would you go?
My soul is already there. That is sufficent for me at the moment. :)

The scent of coconut/lime fills the air...

Today has begun. The sounds of people on their way to work, come in through the window, mixing with music and the scent of coconut/lime, filling my warm flat sweetly.

I sit here, coffee in hand, preparing my appointments for the week. (... I have to take a 2 hr ride today for something.) I woke with sharp pains in my chest. Not sure from which point they came from anymore. My heart is sore, sad, and such.

I sent a prayer to the sky yesterday. I prayed for the most important things. One thing was a kiss to my heart. I suppose it could be like a jump start. (You know, when an automobile's battery has weakened and you need something to bring it back to life?) Or perhaps just a soft cuddle to make it smile? Not sure at the moment my exact words or thoughts as I prayed. I guess I was frightened.

I recall being frightened about something one night. Victor stayed on the phone with me for most of the night. That is the kind of person he is. And on the one year anniversary of my sister's death, he had plans for that weekend, but canceled to stay with me and hold my hand. He never let go of my hand either.

He has the power to take my breath away one moment, (in a good way)... and make it so I cannot breathe the next. Of course, the second would never be on purpose, be sure.

A random thought: (completely off topic... )

I begin my new position this week. I know it will be something really great. I smile to myself thinking of holding other's hands. I smile hoping that I can make a difference in other's lives. I will hug them all.

It takes a lot to get me overworked or stressed during my profession. So, I know my patience will be as it always is,... calm and with heart.



Anyway, not sure if I feel sad at the moment. I just know that I will not allow it to take over my day today. I know this, because the sun is shining on my bare shoulders right now as I type. It is a sort of hug to the soul, I guess. One that leaves no room for a frown. It is in this very moment, when I must lean further into its light, take a deep breath, and make this day a good one. (Not just for me, but for all who cross my path in any way.)

Sending a very big hug to you all.

-Cher

... rosaries, and the soul.

I just returned from two appointments, and picking up required papers for my career. Curious how one can hear voices in their mind from past conversations, but cannot make out the words. That part is done, paperwork signed, and one heart going up against the world. We will see what happens. Am I frightened? Only a select few know when I am really fearful. I like it that way, I think.

(Curious how one can heal so many wounds in others. How one can bring smiles to the ill, and kiss their tears away with gentle hands. But one cannot mend their own broken heart.) - Random thought.

You know, I am far from perfect. In fact, I have so much that I need to change. Once realizing this, I am on the path to becoming who I really am. That is a good thing. It is never too late to make mistakes lessons. And within that, a part of the past. (Forgiveness is the key, yes?) "A feather trail to a better way..."

Anyway, this morning while on the phone, the sky opened up once again from gray, to blue. It did this right above my flat. That is the second time in two days. And, not only did it open, but it did as soon as the first "Ciao" was spoken. (This time I have images.) Well, I once again sent a mental image through the phone. It was indeed a photograph from within the soul.





I told them that they must be a conductor. That they played a symphony within the sky. We spoke on many subjects, none without a bit of laughter and warm words. Afterward, some of the most precious piano music was played. And as one tear fell against my cheek, I smiled. I really, really smiled.

-Cher

Listening to music and the rain

Yesterday morning, after one phone call with a friend, I stood at my window while on the phone again (not the same person). We listened to the birds sing. Then we heard this bird who always used to sing when we spoke. We decided to name him. I chose "Mathew".

We counted trees, and spoke about the many different types. I said how it felt like autumn. They assured me it was indeed spring.

The sounds of our voices and the sounds of spring, were comforting. Everything was damp from a previous rain, and seemed calm. We laughed, spoke of past times, and sent soul hugs. Well, he said he would send his soul if he could. But it is already here, intertwined with mine.

Then, last evening while on the phone, the sky opened up and a bright light shone through the trees. The rest of the sky was very black and stormy. During this, the rain kept on. I should have taken a photograph. I did send a mental image through the phone, so they could see what my eyes were seeing.

Curious, my eyes have been so wet themselves, I wonder how they can see anything. If I could see one thing right now,... it would be the ocean. I would sit before it and stare out for hours. Just to feel the salty air through my hair, would be like another soul hug. (Just a random thought.)

Today is a big day for me. I finally reached something I have striven for since I can remember. I will miss it. (2 doctor's appointments that I just found out about. One appointment was supposed to be early today, but has been moved to my 1pm again.)

One second I would not miss my big day, now I will. Eh. I know that I am being vague. Sorry for that. I am not really in the mood to write in here at the moment. I had it open since last night, but fell asleep at 9pm! I slept all through the night. I needed it. Curious, now I feel extremely sleepy!

Tomorrow hopefully will go smoothly. If not, well I do not know. (I will be in Philadelphia.)

It is raining today, as well. I miss Stefan tremendously. I feel like going for a walk, but am still in my pajamas. Seriously, I just cannot get moving today.

Well, I must get more coffee and get into the shower. Today is here.

A big hug,

Cher

May 18th

Today is my sister's birthday. The day is quiet and gray. I miss her. Sometimes I wonder why God took her from us. She was so beautiful. I wish she were here to hold me.

Today is my 2nd day alone. No more "I love you"s. No more laughter. Over 1300 love letters sent from his heart, now dangle in the breeze like a torn ribbon. So many videos, 198 SMSs, voice mail, images, voice recordings, and gifts, falling to the ground like a cluster of leaves. What do I do with them?

I guess I pack them away within my heart. So deep that I cannot feel them anymore. I place them where I placed the images of my sister during her funeral.

Last night I went to one his photography sites, and just sat there. Finally, I left him this:

"Just sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, and having so much to do. Do you realize this is the first time that we have not spoken within a 24 hour period? Everything seems off balance. As I type, I am looking at the moon through the window beside my desk (you know which window). Have you seen how big it is tonight? It reminds me of an autumn moon. I guess, it just feels cold or odd, or something. It seems to be shining down on my skin. Anyway, I know you had a big day today, and I figure it best to leave some warm wishes, before I go. So, I really hope it went nicely,... and of course, with smiles. Cher"

Posted 13 hours ago. I think it was all I could type through tears. I did not even roam around. I just sat there for what seemed like hours.



(Something he made for me last year.)

I recall how he phoned me a few weeks ago from Spain. He was with his family, and walked away just to call and say he loves me. To say that he wishes I were there. To say that he needs me.

I asked him Friday, (the last time we spoke) how he was going to live without me. He said he did not know. He cried hard when I told him that he would not ever hear my voice again, because I would not call him anymore. I asked him why he was crying so much. He said, "Because it hurts so much." I said I did not understand that. I mean, he was leaving me. How could his heart hurt like mine? He chose this path. He told me he was giving up.

I trusted him. I truly believed him when he said on Tuesday, " Cher, I believe we will make it through. Not hope or pray, but believe. And I believe firmly." It was a lie. I asked him. I cannot remember what he said about it. But obviously, it was a lie. You know, I never thought he lied. I told him that. All he could say, was sorry.

(I just need to get some of this stuff out, as to heal. And this is my blog/diary.)

I sent him a rosary. He received it on Thursday. It was beautiful. It had Pope Benedict on it. I told him that 2 of the people I adore would be together this way. That, each time he held it, I would smile. He said the first time used it, it would be for me. I guess it will be a prayer of hope. The thing is, I do not believe in it anymore. I have lost all faith in good things.



(An image I took last fall.)

My heart is fading. I feel no more poetry. I only feel terribly autumn.

Updates and other fine things ;)

Ciao, ciao!



(An image I took.) :) Flowers are always good for a smile!

Updates are as follows:

(Haha!)

Well, had an inservice over the weekend. It was quite a good one. The one thing I always feel when going to these is that they are repetitive. I have been to the OSHA one at least 15 times!!! ;) But this one was quite interesting. It lasted about an hour, and it was mainly on universal precautions. What I like about this one is that the video is so funny!!! We all laugh and laugh at the actors!! ;)

So, yeah, that was fun. :) (Eh, I am a brat. What else is new.) :)

Moving on:

Today was long and exhausting. Clinical fun that is killing all living things inside me. Almost finished with that, thank God! It is so cold today too! Victor made sure I was wrapped as an onion when I went out. I am grateful, because I can catch a cold so easily. I am already a bit sick with something similar to a cold in my sinuses.

I had a test done today, also had my hair done, eye brows waxed, and a peer and I used a local agent to numb my toe, as to cut out a lump in-between my toes using a scalpel. (An anatomical dissection, you might say!) Hey, we are experienced! :) (Ok, 2 people who would pass out over this information? Raha, one of my best friends and a podiatrist, and of course, Victor!) Haha! Everyone else would most definitely cheer us on! But what we really need is a lab rat. Anyone want to offer themselves for our cause? ;)

Really, it did not hurt so much. But I am oh so waiting to cut something from her now! Anyway, an interesting day indeed! And it will get better at 7pm. (Long story.)... and yes, I am like the Energizer rabbit; I just keep going! Trust me, I will sleep so well tonight! :)

Victor sent me something in the mail. I smiled so much! You all know how I like his image that I added to my blog here last year? (I will add the image again.) Well, he had it put onto a shirt for me and sent it to my home. So sweet! I love it a lot. I will wear it so many times when the weather warms.

(He also sent me a photography book with his images, and a dedication to me in the cover! It brought tears to my eyes.) What a sweetheart! I love him! :)



That image is my most favorite out of all I have ever seen (including my own). :)

(Grazie, bambino!)

So, I am having a busy, but productive day! And all along it? I seem to be smiling no matter what. I am glad.

Anyway, I am on the phone with my friend, Auggie (he just called, and I am finding that I am losing my train of thought here), so I will leave this blog for now.

Have a wonderful week! :)

Cher

p.s. thank you for all the email, comments, hugs, and well wishes! I appreciate it!!

Like a bird in the wind

It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Although I feel a bit exhausted, I feel alive. I smile as I write this. I smile because no matter what I happen to go through, it always ends up alright.

I am being held tightly by the arms of an angel. (Lo que me da fuerza para seguir adelante es el deseo de ser mejor cada dia, y poder hacer algo por los demas.) ;)

Hmmm,... to update:

Still extremely happy inside my heart. Still working towards the future. And, still a brat! :)



(Or so they say!) ;)

I have been finishing up my next book. It should be ready by the end of May. It all depends on the translations. :) I am grateful over the coming of this last book. I feel it is an in depth look inside my heart. There will be plenty of new poems, sentiments, and one of Victor's photographs as the cover. (I chose the particular one for its purity and color of Life.) It is an honor, be certain.

I will add one of the newer pieces here later this week.

I really want to give back to the world in so many ways. I want everyone to feel beautiful inside and out. Most of all, to carry faith. And from within that, the heart light shines. It defines beauty.

When I see it in others, a soft smile forms on my lips. :):):)



Opening your arms to others in need, is one of the most rewarding things in Life. Like a bird in the wind, not only do you soar, but you become the wings for others. There is no better way to give. There is no better way to hug the soul.

Cher

End of Day

Now that the most important things are finished, and the kindest words have been spoken for the day,...

... I am here with a final thought:

(Tesoro mio)

(... and it has my smile.)

Good night! :)

Never to be Forgotten

The Pope leaves today. I just need to say how grateful I am that he came. It is truly an honor to have him in America. I cannot but wish him so many smiles on his way home. May he have a safe and joyous trip.



(Image from EWTN,... an amazing station that covers such wonderful stories, as well as, brightens the world with peaceful programs and more.)

http://www.ewtn.com/uspapalvisit08/

Thank you for your coverage. God Bless us all.

Pope Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVI is in America tonight. (Not sure where I am going with all this. Just thoughts, I suppose.)

The Pope--The bishop of Rome, successor of St. Peter, chief of the whole Church, and the Vicar of Christ on earth.



This is my favorite image of him. Not sure who the photographer was, but it was taken the day he was announced his new position. I like it so much, because of how his heart was seen through the light in his eyes. And, I like how he waves to all people. I just do--it is such a kind wave. He waves, almost as if he were playing the precious piano for all, puts his hands together, waves again, and then, he waves with both hands apart. I know it by heart! :)

(Odd how I notice such things. I just see small things, like the way he waves, or the sounds of my boyfriend's shoes on the hardwood floor, as beautiful. They bring SUCH smiles to my face. I am just that way, I guess.)

Going back first,... I watched a recorded John Paul II being visited after his death by millions of people from all around the world. Believers shouting "Saint", shedding tears, coming to pay last respects in St. Peter's Square to a great man.

I have seen this on many occasions. It brings tears each time. As well, the smile on Pope Benedict's face, even during such a time, brings tears too. They are tears from separate emotions, but from the heart nonetheless.

Not sure how I felt when I first found out he was to be the Pope after John Paul II passed away. It was nothing against him at all. I guess I felt that no one could replace such an all mighty man. I truly loved Pope John Paul II. So, I was hoping our new Pope could show us the same ("insert the word I cannot find here").

Now? Well, I truly believe in him. He is amazing. And, not only is he the Pope, but he is a writer and pianist. He also enjoys Mozart! There is so many wonderful things he has done in his life. Here is a quick biography of his life:

http://www.ewtn.org/pope/life/biography.asp

He is an intellectual, warm-hearted, and if he has not already, will win the hearts of all mankind. I have faith in this.

I really would like to go to his mass on Thursday, but I cannot. I will be there in soul, though. I wish him such strength and Peace during all he does here in America for these next days, as well as, through-out his life.

One thing that touches my heart: he says he is ashamed at some things happening in the Catholic churches of America. Some who were abused, say he should be ashamed. That upsets me very much. How can people say such things about him? Pope Benedict XVI is who he is, but he cannot take blame for other's actions. He does so out of his pure heart. But it is not anyone's fault but the ones who have committed these awful actions.

We trust, and from within this trust we give, we sometimes find that we should never have. But that is how we all learn. It is as much a part of Life as love or hate. And, everyone deserves trust at least once.

Deep down inside, above all we are, ... we are human.

Moving on,...

The ones who are able to go to his mass, are indeed fortunate. I know they will walk away with more than just Peace. He is going to do so many good things in this world. And I know he deserves all the love and respect he has, and will have along his way to place faith into the hearts of the ones who have not yet begun to believe.

A very Happy Birthday to him.

One this I really wish for tonight? I wish I could hug his shame away.

Unwritten

... until the end of time, there will be language barriers. There will be heart to heart words that could never be written. Sometimes, words are just not enough.

So, in soul, one must express all unwritten. It is within the kiss, a hug from behind, or in the knowing that, even without words, all can glow. Everything can be felt, like a single tear of joy softly falling, beneath the light of the moon.

... and it is incredibly beautiful.

Un momento di felicità

Magic of Life / Magia de la Vida
-V.N.



... you fill my heart with so many smiles.

My new apartment/flat

(Taken with my mobile phone, so forgive the quality) :)







That is all you can see, because I would have to rotate the rest! ... and, well, I am SO sleepy!! :)

Ojalá (que),...

... mañana es tranquila. Mi amor del corazón se besar mi corazón. Y la sensación de llevar la paz a mi día. :)



(Él es todo lo que he necesitado. Él es precioso para mí.)

(I am learning Spanish. Please forgive my mistakes!) :)

A veces, la vida puede lanzar duras las cosas a tu manera. Cuando esto sucede, tú puede hacer una de dos cosas, ... Puede derrumbarse, o puede levantarse y luchar por su vida, el amor, y el futuro. ¿Qué haría tú?

Yo nunca derrumbarse debajo de la incertidumbre, debilidad, y el miedo. Tengo tanto amor dentro de mí. Tengo tanto amor a mi lado. Estoy nunca solo. :)

Hay fuerza en números. Hay fortaleza en la fe.

Dentro de mi corazón, me siento feliz.

The City Was Warm

The city was warm as I watched the trees pass outside the window from the backseat. We were almost there and I was mentally exhausted. The sign said "Pine Lawn" as we were now in Long Island. I felt sick. I stepped out of the car and I saw the look on her son's face; what sadness,... he looked lost as if he were left all alone in this world.

I leaned against the car in the warm sun. A feeling of emptiness set in and a tear fell.The breeze seemed to blow my hair wildly as I stared into the thick air. We followed the back of the hearse. I could see her son's hand prints upon the back window as if he were begging her not to leave him. I then watched them carry the body to the grave site.

I lead the way with flowers in my hand. There she was all wrapped up in a pretty box. I took a seat as I watched her son put his hand upon the casket and cry. He seemed to be caressing her through the wood. The look in his eyes brought me to tears.

I walked away. It felt like miles, (although it couldn't of been) until I found a bench far from the madness. I sat down, put my head in my hands and cried.

After what seemed like hours, I could here someone saying in a soft voice, "Come Cherilyn let's go." I felt a touch upon my shoulder. I guess it was over. I walked back to the car, blew a kiss into the wind, and said, "Ciao La Bella". I saw a flower that must of fallen. I picked it up. (It was from her arrangement.) I caressed my cheek with it, took a deep breathe of it in, and handed it to her son. I said, "I think you should keep this."

He held it up to his face, then close to his heart, as he took one last look over the green grass to where his mother lay resting. Tears danced upon his cheek. I felt my heart break.

I loved her like my own mother. I felt better thinking she was in a better place, and my tears were drying. I stared out the window as we left the memorial park, emotionless. And, from within the quiet air, I heard, "My mom was right about you Cherilyn..."

The tears began again. I heard music being turned on. ..I remember thinking, "Where will I get those comforting hugs?" And somewhere from within the car I could hear a radio being played soft and low,..."If I could, I would go wherever you will go..."

"What a day!", I thought as we headed to Brooklyn to eat.

~Cherilyn

(Dedicated to Marilyn, who passed away on this day a few yrs ago.) :)

(Something I wrote about a patient of mine after her funeral. The family put a poem I had written to her, beside her in her casket. I guess my words will always be with her.

I remember going to the hospital on my day off to give her a pedicure. (She had never had one before.) Ugh, I dislike feet, but so wanted her to always smile. :) We laughed so much that day.

She was so beautiful. She always called me her angel, but she was indeed, the true angel. :))

I have only shared this with Victor. But I felt the need to post it today. Sorry for any typos. :)

Felicity

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

--Denis Waitley

Sólo Tú

"Sólo tú, le das brillo y amor mi corazón: llenas de alegría a mi alma, eres el beso constante a mi corazón, conoces mis secretos, deseos y anhelos, me transmites calor con tus manos, me das fuerzas para seguir viviendo, tienes la risa que me trae la luz del sol, y una sonrisa a mis labios, me escuchas con tanta paciencia, me abrigas cuando tengo frío, eres y serás el dueño de mi corazón, eres mi sueño hecho realidad, eres y serás el que me ama y me amará siempre,...

... sólo tú, amor mio, eres al que amo y amaré eternamente!"

(Anónimo/Cher)

En ti la tierra canta,...

"... salida de tu sueño
me dio el sabor de tierra,
de agua marina, de algas,
del fondo de tu vida,
y recibí tu beso
mojado por la aurora
como si me llegara
del mar que nos rodea."

"... hecha para mis brazos,
hecha para mis besos,
hecha para mi alma."

(Pablo Neruda)

Just some thoughts

I know, I know,... I have not updated in a while. Sorry.

I was just thinking, and well, had to write down my thoughts,...

Last night I was very sick, and not doing well at all. Well, during this, my friend Jenn and I heard a very loud boom. I looked out my third floor window and noticed a lot of flames. Apparently, there was an accident on the freeway. My heart sank. I mean, I felt such an awful feeling inside, aside from what was happening from my being sick. I was almost to tears over this feeling.

Today, before I left my home, I read that a truck had hit the bridge and caught fire. The man inside died in the flames. I knew I felt something curious and sad. And even more of a pity, his 2 second death announcement on the news t.v. channel. I think they talked more about the renovations that would be made on the highway this summer. Renovations that have nothing to do with the man. Oh, but they did mention that they checked for damage on the bridge where he crashed. That statement took 2 sentences, where his death, one.

So much of the world has become numb. So numb that death or tragedy are as common as a cold. It takes something really bad to make anyone turn their head. Maybe we are so used to these things that we have forgotten how they hurt others. All I know is that his death hurt my heart, and I do not know one thing about him or his family. Not even his name.



You know, it is odd how someone died so tragically, and well, the world just moves on. I mean, his poor family and friends. I look out my window now, and I see traffic as usual. It is like nothing happened there. I know most do not have any idea that a man was taken so violently from his loved ones, but it still hits me right in the heart.

I guess when they say that Life moves on, they could not be any more correct. Well, for me, I am thinking of that man and his family. And today, I will say a silent prayer for all. May his family find the peace they need. May he rest in the same Peace.