Monday, October 23, 2006

Scorpio [me]

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest people are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they are one of a kind.

hmm... the fearless (and prob more) I would have to disagree with. I am a scorpio and I found out this past week - I am also a fraidy cat. I do not like to be that way. I wish I were stronger. I have not written a thing in days either - I hope I can gather my thoughts enough to write. I do not want to write of my sister - I want to let her memory rest a bit. I am tired of talking about it. is that bad? I dunno, but it does not mean I do not miss her; my heart feels as if it has been ripped open. and my birthday is less than a month away - all I want is peace.

anyway, gnite.


He made everyone smile. I said " make a funny face for aunt cherilyn" and he did:

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A few shots I took - an older one of my sister is at the end. I will add more later. (this is not even a quarter of our family.)

Jessica & Tiphanie

My 2 beautiful nieces:

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I shot these photos while I was there. (Jessie is too cute - always trying to hide her braces.)

The funeral

on wed evening, I flew into Charleston, S.C.. I was the last one to arrive. the wake was earlier that day. the funeral would be the following day. when I arrived at my sister's house it was packed with people. my mum ran up to me and held me tight. I wanted to cry, but did not. after saying hello to everyone, one of my brothers and I sat up until 4 am talking. I did not venture to far into my sister's house, but to my room upstairs to put my bags down. I woke the next day and talked a bit before getting ready for a family dinner at the church. there were tons of my sister's friends that made a huge southern meal for us. I did not eat much and during this, I had to leave with my sister mary to the restroom. I had tears pouring down my cheek and could no longer hide them. we went back to our table and after a bit, we went outside.

I took a few photos while out there. after a bit, my mum and I went to see my sister. we went into the sanctuary and the entire room was full - even the balconies. it was v quiet. my mum kissed my sister and began to cry. she left with someone to go talk as I stood over my sister. I had not seen her for 2 summers. my mum had said how beautiful she was. no... I did not think so. she looked like a mannequin to me. her hair was swept over to one side to hide some damage and her expression scared me a bit. I guess her daughters picked out a dress, but it was too see-through (she had to have her arms packed since they were v damaged). I caressed her hand and began to cry.

I do not know how long I stood there. I forgot about the people in there - they were so quiet as they sat in their rows.

I chose the wrong shoes and could barely walk. I went and sat on a bench, fixed my shoes and met everyone in the conference room. we talked and then went to see her again. her daughter, Jessica (who saw my sister get hit by the truck) cried as she looked down at her mum. my mum comforted her. we all saw my sister for the last time and took our seats in the front row. it was a bit dark in the sanctuary, but as the violin began, a strand of sunlight came through the stained glass and lit up our family - it was v odd, but warm.

my sister was vice president of the booster club, an active church goer, a 4th grade language/arts teacher, and held huge bonfire parties each year. she was loved by many. her family has dinner prepared for weeks to come by her friends, a million cards and prayers, and a lot of love. I think they will be ok. being surrounded by so many was good for them - I am sure it will hit them this week, though. I wish I could help. Jessica graduates high school this year and my sister should be there.

anyway, after the service, we lined up, and crowds came by to hug us and such. then it was over. the hearse drove her away. her hair would be cut for "locks of love" (she grew it past her waist for just that), she would be prepared for her urn, and come home to her family. we went back to my sister's, where we all talked until 2 am.

the next day we went for a drive, I took photos of family, and I prepared for my flight. as the plane flew away, I cried and blew my sister a kiss. I will always love her and I wish I could have taken her place. I wish I had shown her my poetry. I wish a lot.

since my sister's death, I am the oldest and have to be strong for my family. not so sure I am the right one for that. since my sister's death, I have not spoken to a lot of people, I am losing things, and I cannot get them back to good. I am thinking all over the place and probably acting silly. I dunno.

I think of her and see her in the coffin. I did not want that. I think of her and mourn. I mourn for her husband and 2 daughters... I mourn for my mum. have I mourned for myself? yes and I feel selfish for that. I feel abandoned, alone, surrounded by people, lost, sad, angry, and I feel strong. am I? I do not know.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Forever Autumn

*a mix of my photography and music by the moody blues. in loving memory of my older sister, denise... she died around 12:15 am on october 15th, 2006. I love you, denise.


my older sister died early sunday morning. she was taking her daughter's friends home after some band tournament around 1:15. she saw a pup that had just gotten hit. denise stopped to help it and move it from the road. she tried to hurry before traffic came. I guess she underestimated the speed and a truck hit her from behind. my niece jessica, her friends, and a friend in the passing lane saw the entire thing. she died instantly. she was beautiful. she had long hair and green eyes. she was a 4th grade language/arts teacher who lived (odd to say "lived") in S.C.. she was smart, kind, had 2 beautiful girls, a super sweet husband, and was a good sister. it all seems SO unreal to me. I am sorry denise. I love you so much. I am sorry this happened to you. I would take your place in a second. (I was making an autumn collection of photography. I guess I made use of some of those photos with the video I made.)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Can I Sing You to Sleep? (recital)

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Follow me - a video of some of my work

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♥ Strange magic ♥

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Camera/Nikon D50 SLR/No flash/Aperture: f/8.0


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late night ramblings...

this lady comes up to me in the market and asks me if I know how to check peaches to see if they are ripe. I smile and say "sure." as I take the peach, this woman and (I am guessing), her boyfriend begin to act quite odd. then she asks me if I have ever swung. of course, I had no idea what she was talking about. she began to explain. hmm... "swung", no, I have never but what an odd way to find one who "swings", yea? sadly, I gave her back her nasty little peach and continued shopping. I see so many things and I have to wonder how I stay sane.

while at work once, I was walking past the nurse's station to go check on a patient. I glance to my right and see a nurse open a drawer beside her, pull out a sandwhich, take a bite, and put it back. (now, this is a med drawer.) I ignore it and do what I was doing only to go into another patient's room by accident. there, I see a worker from housekeeping... she was spraying air freshener on her underarms. she looks at me, laughs, and sprays her bum and says "ya never know!" I have no idea what my expression was but I do know that I finished my job for the day w/o thinking about it again.

I think of it now, when I finally sit down and relax. I think of all the things that go on in my everyday life that quickly get swept away, because I am much too busy to react. there are so many.

I see that my exboyfriend was bored (I assume, I mean what the heck?) and he went to some website called, netdisaster and played like he was shaving the hair from my blog? and out of all the "fun" things one can choose on that site from vomit, to laser guns, he chose to just shave me. I do not know, but it is v odd. yet, I do in fact, stay sane.

I think people faze me less and less - I just glance at them and go on. (what are ya gonna do?) so tonight I sit and write in my blog and I wonder... perhaps I am surrounded by a few people that know of nothing better. should I help them in the right direction? no, I am a mere mortal. the only thing I can say--it reminds me of this man from my childhood. he used to pass our house barking at cars... if that gives you any idea of what I am thinking.

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on a good note... life is treating me v well. I really try not to let anything get to me. I have a busy weekend ahead and feel happy in my heart. I try to surround myself with normal people to balance it all out... ("it" meaning the odd things that I come across). I have to be to work in 4 hrs or so and am so sleepy, so pls excuse any typos. xo p.s. thanks to my sweet friend, michael from LD, for the image of the memo. :) he is so funny.

Nudists Welcome

hmm... seems my family has quite the sense of humor. I wonder what I was thinking.


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