Saturday, June 28, 2008

In My Eyes and all around


Seems there is so much to see within them. Most of all, my heart. And within my heart there is indeed a smile. I know this because I was told so. ;)

Anyway, I have been very busy tonight with many things, and will go to bed in a few moments. I just wanted to write for a few minutes.

These two days have been curiously long. I have been so lost, like being out to sea without a life jacket. (To swim here is murder.) Needless to say, I am strong enough to handle it. And what makes me feel warm inside is knowing that I can bring Peace to others, even while in my own little boat that seems to want to capsize.

It is almost like standing before an avalanche of moments, and reaching out for a loving hand. Are these moments all without light? Not at all. In fact, there is much more than light at times, ... there is Hope. And with that, there always comes a gentle prayer.

Be sure, my prayers rarely have anything to do with me; I prefer to send them for others. (Although, I do sneak a quick one in for my heart every now and then.) :)

I am taking each day as it comes. Some better than others. And I am less concerned with the exact reasons and relative thoughts that climb, than I am with the general effect they eventually create with each breath (even when there seems to be no air). In these circumstances (and all), the heart still beats and functions sweetly to build a physical bridge, as to bring in the rain.

The rain, an adhesive to fasten together the broken pieces; a perceptible immediacy that places the 'whole', not 'hole' to its proper proportions, at least so the beats function in calmer ways, like an equally elaborate field of flowers, where within each precious second, they remain reaching for the sun, (slowly). :)

And within each new dawn, the sun arrives in its beauty, while I wake to the songs of Mathew with a smile. And when the rest of the birds beckon, I will take day's hand and follow to where the consistency of a wound heals within the soul, like sodium thiopental for a ship-wrecked heart. Because as U2 says, "Sometimes you cannot make it on your own."

Kisses and a "Good night".

Friday, June 27, 2008

Take Me Home


As if your voice could glide along the wings of a gull,
and softly rest against my ear. As if thoughts were
water, and the waves could carry me home with you.

As if your smile amid the horizon, might gently
kiss my eyes with such a sweetness that I could
not help, but form my own smile.

As if your heart were calling mine into summer's
breeze. (There, we would slow dance until dawn.)

I could stand in this moment forever, wishing deep
into your delicate dreams. But while asleep there
is only the silence of the moon, and the soul goes
unheard for awhile,...

... my legs, like my heart, shatter.


Wherever you are in this moment


I received an email the other day from one of my best friends. He has moved to Texas and is Chief of ankle and joint surgery now, (or something like that). I miss him. We were going to go on a road trip together. It was so funny, because we had a huge list of items like raccoon hats, lawn chairs and gummi bears. :) (Yep, we are dorks!)

Anyway, perhaps I should tell him to come for a few days. Last we spoke, he wanted to. That sounds like a lot of late night talks about relationships, travel, medicine, and cappuccino. ... (it sounds quite comforting to me.) In fact, he was the one who introduced my favorite cappuccino to me from Starbuck's--he liked to go there late during school to study. (He is a writer like me, as well.)

Wherever you are, my sweet friend, call me. So much has changed in these last few weeks and I need your hug.


p.s. I want to thank everyone for the comments lately. And no,... I am not perfect. If I were, I would have everything I have ever longed for. (Well, just one thing.) So you see, I am far from it. It is ok though, I do not want to be perfect--it is not the style of a brat. ;)

But thank you for thinking I am at times.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Good night


I was asked to take some quizzes. I took them and will post the results tomorrow. I was supposed to take 2 more, but I cannot at the moment.
(... but thank you for asking me to do them.)

Anyway, I just got back at 10:45 from tending to a patient, and I am not feeling too awake. I think I will go directly to bed.

My day was extra long, but good.

Sweet dreams everyone,

Wednesday, June 25, 2008



(An image I took on Sunday morning.)

Today turned out quite nice; I received good news, good conversation, a good nap, and other moments through-out the day that brought smiles and laughter. But I am extremely sleepy now! I suppose good days are just as tiring as boring ones, yes? ;)

I am going to put my rubber tree into a new pot, wander around aimlessly doing this and that, and then rest my head on my most comfortable pillow.

Ahhhhh,... sounds SO nice! :)

Random thought:

Funny, I bought a new shower curtain and read that it was flame retardant. Shall I go on, haha? (Well, being a bit of a brat, I must.) ;)

I suppose if there were ever a fire, my curtain will be saved? Or, even better, if I were in the shower and started a fire, I would be saved! So good to know, because playing with matches while washing in the shower, is a habit I might be forming! ;)

Well, I must give praise to the CEO who came up with that concept, annnnd the advertising firm that made it possible! ;) (Oh, and let us not forget, it is heavy duty too! And if I ever get wild during a hair wash, it is good to know my shower curtain can withstand the chaos!!!) Grazie mille!

Moving on: ;)

I was just commenting on an image about emptiness. The image was quite thought provoking. It made me think of what it really means.

Anyway, my comment:

"... a true time to be in touch with one's self.

And emptiness can be beautiful, because it is in that moment when we can really see what is important,...
... when we can pause a moment and debate how to be full once more. It is easier than we imagine. :)

We go on and on, never realizing what we have until we lose it and feel that empty space.

It is an echo within the heart

Good night, brats ;)

Monday, June 23, 2008

A smile for you all

... this is all I have for you this afternoon:
(plain and simple) ;)


If you do not take the time to splash a rain puddle,... to pause and enjoy one of Life's gifts, you are really missing the fun. ;)

I splashed so many yesterday (and last night, as well). And be sure, they were big bratty splashes! ;)

Have a wonderful day. :)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Night Storm


(An image I took in the forest today.)

We are getting a huge storm at the moment. The thunder and lightning are louder than the piano I have playing here softly. I can hear the rain on the window and even the scents have made their way inside my flat.

No matter what is happening inside me,... nature can always bring me the deepest of hugs with its beauty and amazing sounds.

Well, I may write more later. As for now, I feel like feeling the rain as I did while in the forest today. I will step outside barefoot and allow it to saturate my entire body with Life.

(Not sure that makes sense to anyone but me.) :)

Sending you all such a big hug.




I woke to the soft sound of rain this morning. It is so beautiful. And to add to the beauty, fog and the sweet sounds of piano playing in my flat!!! :)

Jenn and I are going to the forest in an hour to shoot photography. I do not have a protector for my camera, but my umbrella will do just fine. :) I cannot wait to be there.

I am waiting for my coffee at the moment. Funny, I was wondering why it was taking so long, and realized I had forgotten to add water. ;) Eh, I am walking on only half an eye still,... I need my coffee or tea as to use two! :)

After photography, mass. (Well, we went to mass late last night, so maybe not today.) After that, painting. Haha, I seem so organized, but let me just say, I am fighting all inside as to not crawl back to bed and sleep!!! In fact, just typing that, sounded soooooo inviting to me! ;) I am still sore from things, and I should rest more each day, but Life is much too beautiful to see from your pillow! ;)

Well, it is going to be a Peaceful day, be sure. I can already feel what nature is giving. And I can already smell the scent of rain,... so, I am going to go get ready to breathe in so much more this morning. What I really wish is to be running along the sea with the water tickling my feet. I would play in the beautiful waves, lay in the soft sand and daydream all day long, while listening to seagulls and the sound of a distant ship's fog horn. :)

By the way, thank you for your comments in my blog. It is appreciated. And, I am sure this is a dorky post, but I do have an excuse:

I have not had coffee yet! It is quite a good excuse to me. ;)


Ciao brats!


"You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall..."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Peace and Sunshine :)


(An image I took in Monterey Bay)

What a lovely morning it has been. :)

... oops, allow me to apologize first for not replying to many letters, SMSs, and such. I have been quite busy with many things. I know that is no excuse, but some of those days, it was quite impossible for me to converse. So with that, I send the biggest and warmest hug. :)

K,... where was I,...

Well, my morning was indeed precious and Peaceful. Be sure, I smiled so much. To begin, the entire area was covered in a soft, cool fog. Mathew sung the most beautiful of melodies into the air, and other significant things happened. :)

It is always so pleasant to share a smile, laughter, and Peace with another. I hope you all get that chance as I did last night with See-saw. You all deserve it. :)

It has been raining, so everything is covered in crystal water drops. The breeze brings such a scent, as well. It goes through you as if it were in your veins. It is quite soothing. And with the breeze, the trees create their own song--swaying back and forth as if to say, "Dance with me."

I really wish you all could have witnessed nature here these past days. It is completely unforgettable. ... as are other moments passed. :)

In other news:

Benedict is still on the evil side. He has destroyed my entire flat! Haha! By the way, in case you were wondering, here is the latest image of him:


Hmm,... what else ...

Well, I need to get going now.

So last, but not least, I wish each and every one of you the most beautiful of days. :)


p.s I know, I know, I already had this posted today. I just reposted this from this afternoon as to make adjustments and so on. :) Ciao!





Sunday, June 15, 2008

Looking back and forward


I was in the bath a few moments ago and began to think of this boy. He was 19, I, 16. Well, I went on one date with him (I think it was for a coke). Anyway, the next day when he called I told him that I did not want to see him anymore. I guess it was because of private reasons that made me seem mean. I did not like his hair or laugh.

He called and called over the next few days. Finally, I answered. He told me of his love for me, but I would not budge. He came to see me about a month later. We talked for about an hour. He told me that he still loved me. Well, I was so preoccupied with whatever it was, and I never really paid much attention. Two days later, he was driving with my best friend's boyfriend and said he was torn up over me. He then rushed his car into an intersection, and into a concrete divider.

My friend's boyfriend flew out as the car went into the air. Doug did as well, but the automobile landed on top of him. He died.

Curious, when my best friend was told, she swore she had just seen him drive past her flat. She said he waved. She even described what he was wearing. Sadly, he died the night before, so he could not have driven by.

There are a handful or so of guys that I have hurt. I wanted to say sorry. I am far from shallow, and really was not at the time either. But I was young and the only thing I cared about was my schooling.

I am sorry.

I never paid much attention to boys. That could make me inexperienced. I could be a lot of things really,... but one thing I am not, is a bad person. And no matter who enjoys being with me, and who would prefer to leave,... I am still me. I am Cher.

And, there is so much more behind the name, then a writer, photographer, medical professional, and other things. ... there is a heart. One huge heart that lives and loves with arms wide open.

What I am most of all is, strength. I made it through so much.
... and I am still alive and kicking.

I have been the strength for others, the hand they held onto. I have been the smile that has dried tears. ... I am so much wrapped into one package. I may not be perfect--I have had my share of mistakes. But if those mistakes can make someone choose to let go of me in any way: friendship, love, family, or acquaintance, instead of help me overcome my flaws, then they quite probably will lose one of the best things in their life.

That would be a pity, because I really try my best,... even when it seems not good enough. Everyone deserves another chance. And, I am not talking just about being a couple, but within all situations, families, love and life.

A priest once said, "It's never too late to realize what is important in life and fight for it."

Never give up in life. Who would that make you? I really reach to the fullest, and then some. :) ... sometimes I feel like giving up, but I never really do.

"We must always try to think things through, from every possible perspective. We owe it to ourselves to use our intelligence and to acquire all relevant information, good and bad. We must remember, though, that the purpose of a future is to surprise us. If existence did not retain, under all circumstances, its capacity to do that, what would be the point of it? You cannot, now, see quite how to climb a particular mountain or move a certain obstacle. Just because you cannot yet see it, does not mean you will not see it soon. You do not have a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity."

If you really want something, it takes work. If it came easily, it probably is not as appreciated.

Even love--no matter what sort of relationship, it takes a lot to keep it strong and healthy. And it is not a burden or task, but something that comes to us naturally, like the rain.

It is quite pleasing to have a heart full of love and laughter, yes? :)

I hope everyone knows how to be themselves, work hard, and sit back to enjoy where that takes them. It is a reward like no other. And, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. :)

A big hug and an animated image to each and every one of you.



Deeper than the stillness of night,...

... are the moments when reverberations gently die down.

Hidden in the creases of the city streets, they become old
fables sung through time. And there is no traffic or wind,
only sweetness in the air—

a subtle shift of the horizon, open like the sea, like a first
kiss rendered, as distance becomes precious moments
along the wall, a summer eve, or a future within reach.

It is that sense of clarity that lightens before the open eye,
... that one split-second before it all rushes on.

*Draft I

*Photograph, V/C Collaboration



... like a whisper in the dark.

Like the open sea


(An image I took in the forest.) :)

I am finally waking. ;) ... it was a long night for me, full of contemplations, sleepiness, smiles, tears, and rain. It looks as if it might rain today, as well. I really hope so. :) Somehow the rain is such a soothing sound to me. I adore it a lot.

Funny, I just read my last post; what typos and such! Haha! Eh, it is not supposed to be perfect, because I am far from it myself. ;)

(Well, I AM perfect at being a brat! ... it is in my blood.) ;)

You know, Peace fills my flat today with sunshine (on and off) and music. It is like being beside the open sea, feeling its beauty in the air,... its faith in all to come.

I think I will listen to my play list here and clean for awhile. I have a long week ahead, so I need to get some things finished ahead of time.

Happy Father's Day to all!

Big, big hugs to your hearts!


p.s. I will post those images of the glass house later tonight. (Well, I will try to remember to do that!) ;)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Explosion / Explosión

Explosion / Explosión
Originally uploaded by victor_nuno
Explosion / Explosión

"Expansion. Looking for the growth, for the limits. Maybe, ... to leave them behind? It is our soul, in the wish to overcome our limitations.

Expansión. Buscando un crecimiento, buscando los límites. Quizá, ... ¿para dejarlos atrás? Es nuestra alma, en el deseo de superar nuestras limitaciones."

(I adore that image. He is not only a wonderful person, but an ideal photographer.) :)

Update on these past few days:

Hmm,... a quick list: went to the YMCA gym and did some strength training, went into the steam room, sauna (did crunches on the bench), whirlpool, had a shower and blow dry, and then out for iced coffee. Hung out with a friend at his place and talked about relationships, love, and so on.

Went to Allentown, went for a walk, did paperwork for work, worked on images, and washed my car. :) (... yes, I get it washed, unlike some girls. I just like everything clean.) I even bough leather conditioner and these cute little pads that buff it in. :)

Moving on:

Went for an Orange Julius with Terry. Went to the ER. I watched that movie 30 days of night (or something like that). Worked, cried, laughed, smiled, worked, and worked!

Spent time on my Skype phone, mobile phone, and such,... speaking with loved ones. Went and had a few drinks with the girls, spoke with Stefan and Auggie that night, as well. Funny, Stefan left a voice mail asking if I was still on the planet because he had not heard from me. Haha! Hmm,... of course brats remain on the planet to misbehave and cause the world to drop to its knees. :o Right? (Better be right!) ;)

Anyway, I am home for the moment. I just got back from the hospital and am a bit tired, but am going to go on a train ride later. I will take my camera with me and add some images here later. (Ooops, I have been asked to finally add those images that I spoke of earlier of the glass house. Sorry! I will do so later, as well.) :)

Today is a day that no matter how it began, I will fill it up with SO many smiles. I will not bother with sleepiness or sadness,... I will just embrace the day.

Martin, my sweet friend, I must add: thank you for wishing Mathew to sing me sweet songs. He is indeed! In fact, I came home to his lovely songs. :) You know, you are always there for me. I really look forward to speaking on the phone Sunday evening. It has been forever, yea? :)

Oh my gosh, something funny: Auggie and I were speaking, but he made me upset so I hung up on him. Well, he left me a voice mail SO angry! I ignored it for hours, but finally listened and laughed. I returned his call and told him this! Haha! HE was like, "You laughed at my being upset, Cher? I actually flung my mobile phone! Haha!" I said, "Auggie, laughed? Ohhhhhhh, I listened a few times before calling back, just to laugh again!" ( A big hug to you, Auggie!) :)

Hahaha! Guys are too much, yea? I mean, in his voice mail he said that I was lucky he was even calling me back! Ahahaha! (See? A bit bratty, but I am funny, yes? Haha!) ;)

Well, I just got in and am heading for a shower and some Advil (I hit my head very hard on the bathtub last night, and it still hurts.) Also, I need to clean up the mess Benedict left for me. Seems he does not like things on the table, sooooooo he pushes them all off! A bratty cat for a bratty me!

(I am speaking to Victor right now, and spoke aloud as I am typed about Benedict. He stated, "Obviously that is not about me!" He laughed.)

Anyway, he keeps speaking of my "Please hold on for one second, Victor" statement and laughing. So, I better go (it has been 1 minute or so)... and he says it sounds as if I am playing some rap music with my typing, while calling me a brat! Ugh! Haha! ;)


Who is the brat? Me? ... no way! It is all of you, be sure! :o

Sending my smile to you all, along with the world's biggest and best hug. Enjoy your Saturday to its fullest. :)


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Sweetest Thing

I am doing paperwork for work and decided to stop in for a quick post.


(An image I took some time ago.)

While driving in my car tonight, the traffic seemed so noisy, but was quickly faded within so many thoughts that went through my mind. And so it is, my heart feels quiet tonight; it is almost as if it has nothing to say. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. But like I said, my mind went in so many directions. (Sometimes it is hard to think in public places.)

When beside the sea, one can think so much better about life and such. I guess it is the peace that comes along in the salty air. Sometimes i like to sit in the warm sand, pull my knees to my chest, and gaze for what seems like hours. It is in those moments, that my soul feels at ease. Just something about the atmosphere; so much beauty caught in one place, one view, one heart.

And if you truly believe, you can look over your shoulder and feel your prince charming waiting in the wings to come to your rescue. I suppose when a child, all girls believed. I used to dream of love that is everlasting. ... I still do.

( I know my heart can love unconditionally. I know it gives its all. I just know.)

I wish for happiness. Not a big wish at all, but there is more to come:

To be taken away to a place where love outlasts the season, where I breathe in the scent of rain and roses, see a fallen star, where my smile reaches all four horizons,... kisses the corners of existence, that is what I long for.

To dance barefoot amid the autumn air, my hair sweeping the leaves that fall, hands out and open, inviting a leaf or two to land softly and be released into the sunset. A precious moment indeed.

I guess what I need is simplicity. I am not speaking of simple days without complication, because that is life, and if everything was easy, it could get quite boring. What I speak of is, simple things like to see the changing from winter to spring, the scent of summer, a sole flower alive and well, reaching for the sun. Perhaps to feel the breeze against my cheek, or to see beauty in all around me. To me, that is true simplicity. ... and it a soul song, be sure.

I need someone to hold me all night, to keep tears from falling, a slow dance that lasts for hours, a long and loving hug, and can I add general taos chicken to that list? Eh, I do not need to ask--consider it added! (A brat moment. Sorry!)

... no I am not! ;)

Ok, serious stuff now:

These are what I need and get from Life. I am grateful. And, I need them as I need air, love, and comfort. I gather them like rain and hold each one dear to my heart. And there are so many more things that bring simplicity, like a smile from a loved one or a hug from behind. I will never take anything for granted.

... especially a phone call when my heart is hurting. A soft voice to calm the tears and hold my hand. ... it is one of Life's joys, a hug directly to the core.

Another thing that hugs my heart is volunteering my time to read to ill children. I know to some it may sound tiring, but it is not at all. In fact, it is quite the opposite. And there is something so precious deep within the smile of a child; something that can only bring a smile to your own lips, and quite quickly. It is the gift of bringing happiness to someone other than yourself. :) ... it is the sweetest thing.

"The heart will cause an inferno..." I do not know why, but I really like that line. (... that was a random thought.) ;) Hey, I am a brat, random thoughts are so allowed here! ;)

A lot of randomness in this post, but after a day of walking down the corridor, being pulled into patient's rooms, gathering information and needs, making a mental list of all, and still having a list there for other things, you just do not have time to think on much else. Then, when all is calm and you have a moment alone, that is when all else pours out. ... like in my blog tonight; more or less, random thoughts strung together like seashells, glistening and waiting their turn to be heard. :)

Anyway, I have a long day tomorrow, so I should end this post. And besides, my mobile just rang, so I will see who is in need of Mc Brat's attention! :) Haha!

Buona notte, my friends. xoxo

Monday, June 09, 2008

Quanto ti amo,...

Today is a very hard day for me.


On the sands, dusk will not appear for minutes. But outward, where the waters lift themselves, light has already begun to fade. There are no dwellers, no sounds, no one singing spring songs. The only sound is my voice–subtle beside the edge of the open sea– (now and then, a stray sigh of zephyr that brushes the crag, stirring the limbs of trees, before slipping off into the horizon).

It is May, and the shores, which will be full in June, allowing joyful tourists to bask in the warm sun, are quiet as though they have never known the stain of a heart blown away. And I cannot breathe,... it is as though I had sung a thousand books of poetry, strung a string of photographs, solemn as the seasons that have slipped through my hands. I could never have hung onto anything that good. Forgive me.

Dusk has fallen, and the ocean currents begin to still. Above the crag, an evening star pulsates in a solitary dance for the hopeful–a melody composed from the hands of an angel. I close my eyes and begin to cry.

I begin the path home on my own, carrying your words huddled close to my chest, the distant sounds of warm laughter, my rosary, and a prayer,...

... they are all I have to hold onto.

*Draft II


I would give anything to dry these tears. I would give anything for a hero to come along and mend my broken heart. Sadly, I find it hard to believe in fairy tales anymore. Even love. Even more,... trust.

You know, I do not even know what to say. I am almost embarrassed to feel such sorrow or appear to be so weak. But I have never hurt like this. I ask you all to forgive me for such sad posts. I am so sorry. :( I am sorry.

I guess I just need to write it out. Does it help? Not really. I need Peace.

Besides all that, I am an Italian brat, yea? I am not supposed to have a broken heart,...

Auggie just called, right in the middle of my tears (and me writing in this blog). And as they ran down my phone, he hugged me with warm words. He told me not to cry. He said that I have him. He said to call as soon as a I felt like crying. And I really wish I were in San Francisco with him. I know he would cook me such a good lunch and make me smile. (Thanks Auggie.)

I need to thank Jim for the songs sent to my email to make me smile, as well. I have not even replied to any of them. (I am sorry.)

You know, I really feel like a baby for crying so much. I never even cried this much over my sister's death, you all know that. You saw my blog. It has nothing to do with the amount of love; it is just a completely different kind of pain. And, I would rather go through the worst case scenario, than the breaking of a heart that I always try to keep so kind and loving. I guess if you put it out there, it is bound to be stomped on.

I guess nothing is always what it seems. But I love him. I really do. He is such a fantastic person with a gentle heart. He has been there for me through this.

So many people have been there for me. I really am grateful. Martin is amazing. I wish he were here. He is such a wonderful friend to me. And Meghan, she hugged me and said how she hates to see me so sad. I guess all the hugs in the world cannot put a broken heart back together. Pity.

God knows, Victor dries a lot of my tears too. Seems they fall so randomly anymore. I mean, one day is alright, the next, not so good. I guess it will take time for me to mend. It will take forever for my love to fade. ... forever is so far away.

How can anyone not love me? Not that I think I am SO lovable, it is just that I know I give such good love in a relationship. I give music, poetry, my heart and so much more. How can anyone walk away from that? I guess I just make it easy. Who knows.

(I make plenty of mistakes, as well, be sure.)

Again, I ask God to bring me Peace. And as I take a deep breath, I will stop typing now.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Heart thoughts

(A couple images of Philadelphia.)



Later, I will add some of this building made entirely of glass. It has glass bottles, mirrors, and more. Quite amazing indeed. I have an open mind and enjoy witnessing such creative things. I really find it heart-warming. :) (I also enjoy seeing people trip on the sidewalk, but that must be my bratty side!) ;)

Anyway, yesterday was quite interesting, to say the least. Meghan and I painted for a few hours and then we went to dinner with Todd (I had a yummy salad and chicken chili soup). My soup was disgusting hahaha! :) We had a good time indeed. Afterwards we saw fireworks near the stadium club. We drove to the mountaintop to be closer, and it seemed as if they were falling right over our heads. It was incredibly beautiful. I thought a lot as I watched them. I do not have to say about what. :) ... just contemplations.

When I arrived back to my flat, I was asked to come into work. It was a long night of patient growls, but I enjoyed it. In fact, if they were not growling, I would assume they were just pretending to be ill, as to hang out with me! ;) (That was a joke, by the way!) :o

Soooooooooo, here I am. I will soon shower and get a bit of rest. You know, I feel peaceful inside this morning. I smile for so much.

... most of all, Life.

My soul seems soothed today. It needs it, be sure. And my heart feels quiet. It is hard to explain, but it just feels quiet, like tiny heart thoughts.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the fact that Mathew is outside in the tree right now, and singing the most beautiful of songs. I think he is smiling, as well. :) (I wish I could hug him, but I doubt that lil' bird wants that! Hahaha!) ... I would force one on him, like I do Michael, my bratty cat! :)

I will not mention Benedict today. Maybe something like, (He is the most brattiest kitten I have ever seen, and in trouble for dragging ALL my socks from my drawer and into my living room!) :o

Way too many brats in one flat. ;)


Sending sweet hugs to all your hearts today! :)

(How funny, I just received an SMS as I wrote that. It said, "Good morning, sweetie." See? I am giving off sweet hugs, be sure!)

Ok, ciao brats! :)

Friday, June 06, 2008

Philadelphia and more

Just a quick post.


It was a long day in Philadelphia, but I did manage to see some beautiful things while there. We had dinner in Chinatown, took some images, and other things in the late afternoon. The ride home was full of conversation, but my mind wandered out the window. I thought a lot about the things that I would like to change about myself, I thought of people close to my heart, of the weekend, how the sunset seemed to follow us, and how kind it was to hear Meghan tell me that she had a crush on me.

I adore her, but my heart is not free. Also, I like men, not women. :) I guess she does, as well (she has a boyfriend). But nonetheless, it was flattering. It was sweet how she said, "Cher, I am kinda getting a crush on you." I looked at her quickly, and she finished with, "... not a lot, Cher. Just a small one." She then smiled. I smiled at her. I guess I never really replied.

My head turned towards the window, and I drifted away into the music and thoughts of Victor. I remember wishing I could hear his laughter at that moment. (Something sweet to get lost in. Something to enhance the song, "No air" that was playing...

... only, there was air. And it felt good to breathe.)

It may sound odd, but I can honestly look back into the past and smile. I look into the future, and I smile, as well. I guess a smile looks best on an Italian brat's face, yea? ;) Besides, my tears are getting tired of spilling!

... as is my heart. Well, it will always spill sweetness to all I see. (Hopefully, anyway!) :)

(That was only part of my day, but all I feel like sharing at the moment. My morning was a bit tougher. BUT, not as tough as I am!) ;) Eh, it is over now,... and today is here. :)

Today is peaceful for me, by the way. I had a great phone conversation and a lot of smiles, an SMS that said, "Smile, God loves you, and so do I.", and some other nice things. Now I am going to go paint with Meghan for awhile.

I am going to finish my day with nothing but a smile. And, it will feel good in my heart and soul.

A very big hug,

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Laughter and tears


What an odd, but fun day yesterday.

It started not so good, but those kind of days sometimes turn out for the better. In the afternoon I painted a lot. Meghan and I talked a lot on life and such. And we laughed so much over this guy who we had thought was with his mother. It was in fact, his girlfriend. He was so angry with us, but we could not help but giggle.

You see, she had a pair of trousers held up against his waist in the department store. I whispered to Meghan, "How cute, his mum is buying him trousers." Then at the cashier, Meghan said, "There is that guy, Cher." We smiled, but he gave us such a bad look. Then out at Meghan's car, he stopped. He asked us what was wrong. He told us she was pregnant. That confused us. So we said, "Your mum is pregnant? Not sure what that has to do with anything." He screamed, (... and I mean screamed) "She's not my mother!!!"

He then put his middle finger out and drove away fast. Well, what could we do? We had to laugh, yea? ;) What made me laugh was the way he screamed it. I mean, it was SO whiny. Almost as if he had to explain that to others prior to us. I do not know.

Afterwards, Sara and I went for sushi, went to the supermarket, I emailed a few people, turned on my play list here and then went to sleep. Well, I guess I could mention the fact that I have not driven my new car at night before, (maybe once, but I have forgotten). So, I sat in it for about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to turn the lights on. How did I do it? Well, that is easy, I used the owner's manual! Hahahaha! ;) (I parked near a light pole, and did not notice the lights were already on.... so, I drove with the high beams for about a half of a mile!)

I assume it will be a nice day,... I woke to the sounds of Mathew singing outside in a tree. (He is so beautiful.) I have a busy day with an appointment, have to go to my work, and am meeting up with my friend Joey for coffee this afternoon.

Scott and I might meet up in Philadelphia this weekend for some relaxing photography, food, and attractions. Scott has been my friend for years. We have decided that he will be my lawyer if I ever have a malpractice suit, and I will save his life in the ER someday! Hahaha! (Nope!) ;) (We always tease each other.) In fact, he can be a bigger brat than I could ever be! Really! His motto is: "Behaving badly is still behaving!" See? Haha!

Hmm, what else can I say here this morning? :)

I was just looking for an image to place in this post, and smiling. I saw some images of Victor in my photobucket account. Then I notice "Far Away" playing here on my play list. I feel a tear coming down my cheek, and I think I will finish this post in a moment.

My poor heart. Again, you either stand or you fall. The thing is, I told him when he first said he loved me, "No." Then I began to really trust it all. To trust him. Now look where I am. And you guys ask why I do not trust much? Why I want a heart of stone? Why, why, why. I guess I fell.

And he JUST told me about 3 weeks ago how much he adored me. He JUST said he was SO in love with me.

I sent him an email on 4/30. It had a wish in it of the sun kissing his cheek. I wished him a beautiful day. (And I had really wished this for him.) His response:

"My Cherilyn, dearest,

... and the sun came, and spoke to me of you. And he told me not nice things to the mind, but beautiful ones to the heart. And he sent me a kiss, as warm as only a nice sunlight can give in a special moment. I closed my eyes, and I enjoyed the moment. Smiling. Smiling in my heart.

Such is my morning, and such is the kiss I felt, my dear, with the sun and your words. With your heart and your feelings.

And I can only but say:

I love you so much, my dearest!!!

And I had no idea that when he wrote that, he was planning on leaving me. How could I have known within such sweet and loving words. Perhaps they were just words.

How can you fall out of love so quickly? And, what can I do? I must realize that smiles can be deceiving. I just love people so much and truly believed. I am not angry with him at all. In fact, I only hope good things for him, because he is truly a good person. It is just that I think it killed my heart. ... or at least severed it. All I can say that it has taught me a valuable Life lesson.

I see the best in everyone. I thought I had something with him, but he said no. I will just add him to the list of...

(I just do not know what side he is on, you know?)

Not to joke about it, but I guess a person can only handle a brat for so long, yea? ;) I joke through tears,... I guess it helps. It also helps to write about it. It soothes my soul somewhat. Perhaps it just pushes the knife into my chest further? Who knows. But this is my diary and I see no reason to candy-coat my life, words, or thoughts. I just write it as I see it. It all comes from my heart, whether it is good or not. Sadly, my heart speaks through pain at the moment. ((Hugs))

My new motto: "Give me what you got. Go ahead, put it out there, I am all ears."

Anyway, I feel extremely sleepy today, and have not had coffee yet. I am going to go make some, take a bath, and go on with my day.


Sunday, June 01, 2008

Cannot sleep tonight

I have been away all weekend, more or less. Not where I wanted to be indeed, but where I had to be. And I just cannot sleep tonight. My chest feels as if it is caving in.

A poem I just wrote:

The ocean moves in and out as I gradually pass
in thought. The breeze caught in my hair, moves
it from my face, revealing a solitary tear that falls
and then shatters, before touching the bitter sand.

... and everywhere I saunter I count my breaths,
slip through your fingers—
safe inside your empty eyes, I leave traces of
broken wings, like floodgates opening into the

I have been to this place many times in the past
weeks. I have spoken in circles against the waves,
prayed for air,...
... prayed for something to reach in and embrace
my weary and discarded heart.

I see my life and your roses in the hands of
strangers, the petals washed onto the shores
of Spain. ... and I do not think I will take the
photograph. I will try to imagine it beautiful.

The wind picks
up its pace.

I find a place beside the deluge. My body sinks to
sand—a collapse of all known structure, or perhaps
a breaking apart of the simple soul.

Shadows fade my once elated reflection. And like
last season beneath your boot,
I am no more.

(When fear
darkens the view, there does not have to be reason.)

Do not weep—hold onto me. I have recited poetry
in the rain. I have sung the highest notes immersed
in rosaries and tête-à-tête. And although you left
my side, our song remains forever.

So, look for me in the fallen leaves, where the body
becomes the dove, and all words spoken may be

And I will succumb to lessons learned in far away
places, where the moon blisters into a slow-motion
nothingness, and love seems to crush beneath
the soft breast.

I am quite sure it needs an edit, but I am not too worried about it right now.



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