Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Adding to the last post

... I just need a moment.


First, I have had all I can take. I have never met anyone so mean as Victor. Hours on the phone:

"I call you each day because I have feelings for you."
"You are so deep in my heart, Cher."
"You are so important to me."
"I care about you more than any woman ever."
...Blah, blah, blah... he can talk it, but cannot walk it.
And I loved him so much.

Ugh! It just makes me shake my head and think what lies. I mean, he goes away for 2 weeks when he was supposed to go for 5 days. He calls me the night before, says he will be missing me and such. He emails the moment before he leaves that moment. Then what? Nothing for 2 weeks. Theeeeeeeeeeeeen, an email the night he comes back? No way! I am done. He is a big meanie. His email was about 3 sentences, and he wrote as if I were some person he did not know. Not like a woman he had loved. Not like, "Cher".

(This post will be full of typos and such, but I do not care at all.

And, I am tired of feeling "Not good enough". I have this friend Kenny,... he is such a great guy. He was 5 times an NFL first draft choice, into boxing and martial arts, a volunteer firefighter, a bouncer and more. He is 6'3 and we have the same eyes. He drove 55 miles just to hug me. When he came in my door, he did just that. And he lets me hug him until I am done doing it. Then he picked me up into the air and hugged me for a minute or so as my legs dangled. He always hugs me for a long time when we see each other, brushes my hair from my eyes, and smiles. See? Victor thinks I am not good enough, pretty enough, sweet enough to fight for.

Kenny told me I was beautiful,... the full package. He says Full package", because he says I am beautiful outside, with my eyes and smile, oh and :o sexy hair. And when you see all that is inside, you are falling in love with me. That was a very sweet thing to say.

(... oh and, he helped me change my myspace playlist to better songs, like "Roll with the changes". He picked out "I turn to you" and so many others for me. Grazie, brat! :)

He says Victor is dumb for letting me go. Perhaps, but I do not think Victor cares about it. I mean, if he even cared a little, he would have contacted me. He did not. He made no effort. To me, that shows a mean and selfish person. He never loved me. Plain and simple.

Stefan, well, he loves me. He tells me he wants and needs to be with me. He is with Emerging Magazine. He is also one of my very best friends. He left me some very sweet messages on myspace (... Jim too)

He told me he would be good to me. Not like Victor as far as pretending. He is a great and handsome guy inside and out. Kenny, as well. Kenny says he could be on fire and be looking into my eyes and say, "Yes, I am on fire" without moving his eyes from me, and Victor cannot stomach the thought of being with me without feeling frightened? Yes, I am such a frightening person to love. My heart is terrifying, yes?

I am so dead to him. As far as I am concerned anyway. He promised he would not go away. He did. He did for 2 weeks, leaving me to wonder and such. I deserve more. I am a good person. He had crushed me beyond belief. He then gave me a big kick, and walked on.

Then we have Auggie. He loves me and really wants to be with me. And, Sal, Marco, Jim, and a few others. Do I go for it? No. Why? Well, my heart was shattered. How could I? So what did I do? I shattered their hearts. For what? All I gave to the relationship, ... my entire heart and trust. I gave it to someone that I truly loved. What did he do? He lied. That is what he did. He pretended. I now realize it was all a bunch of lies. He never, ever, ever, ever, ever loved me. i was a stupid fool. And, I will not make that mistake again.

Anyway, thank you for all the 20 or so comments on my last post. I know I have not replied to them, but I am just fed up. I am sorry to be so upset, but my heart cannot take much more. ... it will die, be sure.

What will I do today? I will move onward. I am walking away forever.

Kenny has helped in healing the broken pieces. (... as has Martin, Oddur, Joann, Dawn, Don, Terry, Scott, Meghan, Jenn, Stefan, Jim, Auggie, and others, like all you guys.)

I told Kenny about Victor when he was over at my flat. He said, I have one question, Cher,... why?" "Why would he leave someone like you?" I shook my head as I told him,... "I guess I was just not worth much to him." He then held me for almost 3 hours. He told me he never wants anything or anyone to ever hurt me.

"No more making you cry,... no more gray skies."

It is pretty sad when the woman you care about most has to be held by others, because you are much too busy visiting people that you met on a pilgrimage, than going to her and holding her yourself. I guess it shows your priorities, yes?

"What a big heart you have Grandma" ,says Little Red Riding Hood with innocent eyes.
... right before the wolf tries to eat her, disguised as a loved one.


Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Where is my heart?


I just arrived from work and am about to go to a doctor's appointment, but wanted to write for a moment.

I wanted to say thank you for all the recent comments on my posts. Really, please do not worry about me. I cannot say why not, because I do not know. But just try not to so much, k? Sending so many hugs to you all. I appreciate your care so much.

As for not getting back to some--I just now listened to my voice mail. I think there were 9 messages in all over the past 2 days. I just got a bit busy is all, and will give call backs soon. Sorry for that, (... email and messages, as well).

So, I had a decent day yesterday. All in all, I got a lot done. I did have a visitor for a few minutes. He had called me and asked to come say hello. He arrived in his business suit and such a smile that I had to ask him to please stop looking at me. I guess I get embarrassed easily. He laughed and began asking more about my photography and writing. He seemed genuinely interested in them. It is nice to have a new friend that automatically is wanting to know about photography, because I do not have too many here that take images on a regular basis like I do.

Curious, he asked to give me a hug and during this (lasted a good minute or so) he was trembling. I am no one special as to have this trembling when near me, be sure. So, I asked why he was so nervous with me. I cannot recall his answer, but I think he sniffed my hair, haha. Anyway, as he left, he stated that he did not want to leave. It was very sweet, but really, I was extremely busy and had to go myself. I have to say that having a hug during all I am going through, felt comforting. Believe me, I am in need of so many hugs.

Anyway, I painted yesterday, as well. I worked on images and relaxed in the evening with some good music and a cappuccino. And at the moment, my heart feels missing. Not sure how to explain it. ly.

And, I feel odd today for some reason; not at all like myself. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. Either way, today is here and I plan on making the most of it.

So many hugs directly to your precious hearts.


Monday, July 07, 2008

The Distance of a Smile


Just arrived from long hours at work. I went in at my 2am, because they really needed me.

I think I am a good girl, and maybe I might be a brat at times, I really do try my best. And, I do not give up. If I had to, I would carry the weak (... and I do at times while at work). I would never hurt a single soul either.

But in all I do, in all my thoughts, in all one can see within my eyes, and deep into my soul,...

if you are not willing to take the chance, you miss out on so many smiles, warmth and laughter.

And someone once told me, "You are not that far away, just the sweet distance of a smile. And, Cher ..., you really know how to cuddle my soul and my heart. I think, as nobody did so far. And that is your treasure, your gift, ... to be able to touch my soul and my heart the way you do.

Still chatting, dear Cher ...
still, typing, still sending emotions,
still, enjoying so much, sitting by you, Cher,
still not being able to stop

As each moment, each second with you
... is a gift
Each smile, each laughter,
... is the best music
Each sent hug, each kiss,
... sublime

Such a friendship with love,
such love with friendship

Cher ...

Words mean nothing anymore to a heart that has been shattered.

... especially if they were stolen back when the soul was not looking.


Friday, July 04, 2008

Calling all angels

Here I am on Terry's wireless, writing in my blog. There he sits, playing a video game on my mobile, and assuming I am listening to him speak about this and that. He assumes that I am answering an email, because it was my intention at first, even though I am sore and extremely sleepy at the moment. (I am a brat and brats do "Brat" things, yea?)

He says, "Victor seems so fun, Cher. I really laugh about "The International Dorks Society", or however he named it! (I look up and give him a smile as he goes on... ) Haha, could you imagine he and I going around in my car; 2 dorks, as you would say, Cher, trying to be cool!" Haha! I already like him so much!"

From there, my thoughts drift and the sound of Terry's voice fades within them.

"Even though it is said that eyes are the mirrors of the soul ...
... there is so much more to find behind yours!"

And a reply by another:

"If you find that the eyes mirror that which is in the soul, than how is it you cannot see the beautiful heart that you left broken inside? If one truly sees that which is hidden within, would he not cherish the soul for yet another story to be told? And would he not want to be in that story, to share the passions that are afire within those eyes? To push aside the love of a beautiful woman for ones selfish desires is to cast aside a lifetime of happiness. You don't know what you have until it is gone. I pity you, for I will never know that feeling. "

I am going to say a prayer when I am done here. I am going to pray for so much.

... again, hopefully my prayers will be heard.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Never Forget

What do you see within my eyes today? A smile? Kindness? A brat? What? ;)


I am tired or nervous today. It will be alright, I am sure. Sorry for not being around too much. I was so busy all day with this and that. But I do have fire in my soul and that will always keeps me within reach (... and bratty)!

Be sure, I was smiling when I typed that. ;)

And, even though it sometimes might be hard to breathe, Life and air flow into my lungs once again. ( ... as does, light into my eyes. Grazie.)

I will be leaving for Philadelphia in about 10 minutes as to stay the night for something tomorrow. When I get to the hotel, I am going straight to sleep as soon as I finish up some last minute assessments for my job. I should be available on my mobile up until 7am tomorrow morning. And, if all goes well, my 1 pm or so. Not sure. :)

And never, ever forget, you are all beautiful. I believe it comes from so deep within, and has absolutely nothing to do with the outside.

Sending a big hug to you all. Especially one to a brat much bigger that I! ;)



Tuesday, July 01, 2008



Went out tonight and had a good time indeed.

Anyway, I have to go to Philadelphia. I am going to fall asleep to my play list here and hopefully fall into sweet dreams.

Goodnight and hugs.



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