Monday, October 23, 2006

The funeral

on wed evening, I flew into Charleston, S.C.. I was the last one to arrive. the wake was earlier that day. the funeral would be the following day. when I arrived at my sister's house it was packed with people. my mum ran up to me and held me tight. I wanted to cry, but did not. after saying hello to everyone, one of my brothers and I sat up until 4 am talking. I did not venture to far into my sister's house, but to my room upstairs to put my bags down. I woke the next day and talked a bit before getting ready for a family dinner at the church. there were tons of my sister's friends that made a huge southern meal for us. I did not eat much and during this, I had to leave with my sister mary to the restroom. I had tears pouring down my cheek and could no longer hide them. we went back to our table and after a bit, we went outside.

I took a few photos while out there. after a bit, my mum and I went to see my sister. we went into the sanctuary and the entire room was full - even the balconies. it was v quiet. my mum kissed my sister and began to cry. she left with someone to go talk as I stood over my sister. I had not seen her for 2 summers. my mum had said how beautiful she was. no... I did not think so. she looked like a mannequin to me. her hair was swept over to one side to hide some damage and her expression scared me a bit. I guess her daughters picked out a dress, but it was too see-through (she had to have her arms packed since they were v damaged). I caressed her hand and began to cry.

I do not know how long I stood there. I forgot about the people in there - they were so quiet as they sat in their rows.

I chose the wrong shoes and could barely walk. I went and sat on a bench, fixed my shoes and met everyone in the conference room. we talked and then went to see her again. her daughter, Jessica (who saw my sister get hit by the truck) cried as she looked down at her mum. my mum comforted her. we all saw my sister for the last time and took our seats in the front row. it was a bit dark in the sanctuary, but as the violin began, a strand of sunlight came through the stained glass and lit up our family - it was v odd, but warm.

my sister was vice president of the booster club, an active church goer, a 4th grade language/arts teacher, and held huge bonfire parties each year. she was loved by many. her family has dinner prepared for weeks to come by her friends, a million cards and prayers, and a lot of love. I think they will be ok. being surrounded by so many was good for them - I am sure it will hit them this week, though. I wish I could help. Jessica graduates high school this year and my sister should be there.

anyway, after the service, we lined up, and crowds came by to hug us and such. then it was over. the hearse drove her away. her hair would be cut for "locks of love" (she grew it past her waist for just that), she would be prepared for her urn, and come home to her family. we went back to my sister's, where we all talked until 2 am.

the next day we went for a drive, I took photos of family, and I prepared for my flight. as the plane flew away, I cried and blew my sister a kiss. I will always love her and I wish I could have taken her place. I wish I had shown her my poetry. I wish a lot.

since my sister's death, I am the oldest and have to be strong for my family. not so sure I am the right one for that. since my sister's death, I have not spoken to a lot of people, I am losing things, and I cannot get them back to good. I am thinking all over the place and probably acting silly. I dunno.

I think of her and see her in the coffin. I did not want that. I think of her and mourn. I mourn for her husband and 2 daughters... I mourn for my mum. have I mourned for myself? yes and I feel selfish for that. I feel abandoned, alone, surrounded by people, lost, sad, angry, and I feel strong. am I? I do not know.

3 comments to Cher:

Yoly said...

Cher-

I know what my sisters mean to me.
I hurt so much for you and yours.
You have a right to mourn as you mourn.
Don't feel what you do is wrong if it helps you get by. I really am sorry for your tragegic loss.
Drop me a line whenever you need to; I'll send you my number if you want to talk..
x o x o

Yoly

honestly_lost said...

You are you, and that is enough... just be who you are, mourn your way, draw strength from truth, and may the Lord grant you peace and serenity in the knowledge this is merely a step in the timelessness of an eternal life.

All shall be together again, when time loses relevence and there is no pain...

Cherilyn Ferroggiaro said...

grazie. xoxo

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