Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Don't be surprised

I have grown sooooooooooo bored of it all. I am not kidding. I need excitement to function well. even photography. and that poem? first one since last year. that is how "unexcited" I have become. I need something to bring me to my knees. I have even forgotten what butterflies feel like. odd, yea?

secret? not many understand why I was gone. sigh. but, I am healthy for good. (not sick as in any sort of mind state.) I have been in and out of the hospital. no worries, I am a rebel. :) I can handle anything on my own.

I am back now... I can honestly say that my heart ached being away from my friends. I get very quiet when it comes to being sick and such. now that it is over, I have to repair what has been broken. not sure I have it in me.

not sure I know how.

a few know how I feel and just waited my return.. never underestimating my friendship. grazie. others? they feel rejected, ignored, never knowing how my heart ached. I think for those, the ones that no matter what words I had ever said, felt I had deserted them... I just do not know. my energy is spent. does no one mean what they say anymore? I do. if I have spoken to you about how I feel towards you, know it to be a true feeling. I try to be as good as a friend as I can. no matter where I go or how far I may be, that feeling remains.

I just do not want to feel as if I have done anything wrong. for those who wrote, I left right after thanksgiving, only jumping online at the library when possible. I came back in feb and have not been online at all. not once. my mum did a few things for me, like logging into a few places so my accounts stayed active.

for those who sent birthday wishes, holiday and such to my yahoo account, I am truly sorry--I rarely check that address. I never knew.

yes, I was gone and I never meant to be, but if not that then what? it would always be a feeling of pulling toward me what I need near. should it not already be there warming me? through anything? not just with one person, but a few. I am a friend once and always... I do not quickly change my heart each day. my feet are much more grounded than that.

I truly, truly love you with all I have. all of you. next time I go away, please keep that with you. please do not make me suffer when I return. please do not make me chase you. honestly, I will not. I never felt the urge to chase anyone. moments pass much too quickly, should we not just enjoy them?

sorry for the rant. like I said, in an odd sorts today. hugs.

4 comments to Cher:

amanda m. said...

Some people don't understand the need to withdraw and regroup.
I'm glad you are feeling a little better.
It will never be all better.
Sometimes it hurts a little less.

Cherilyn Ferroggiaro said...

hugs :) hope you have been well.

Jerad Francesco said...

Agreed. Who gives a flying ^%$ what other's think. You're such a special girl, don't get hung up on that stuff.

Hey, I was in Ferroggiaro Hall on Friday and guess who I saw...?? Nico! He didn't notice me though. He had that one chick with him, the one who dated Greg last year.

Anyway, listen, I gotta jet, but drop me a few lines to let me know you're still alive! Always, Jerad

Dawn said...

You always know my heart is always with you .. and yes, I did miss you terribly, I was "SO HAPPPPPPY TO SEE YOU BACK" and that's what everyone should be like .. they should not focus on "the inbetween spaces" but be "Happy For This Moment Right Now"!!!! I sure am .. I love every moment of our friendship and I know with "all" my heart we will FOREVER be good friends, the BEST OF BEST FRIENDS!!!!! Just like the song, though it speaks in a romantic sense by Dashboard Confessional ... Cher, you have STOLEN my heart .. and it will never be the same, it has forever been changed~~it opened it's door to you and you forever have EXISTENCE there~~it has an extra beat to it, and that's all because of you!! I love you always and I care deeply about you, always have and I always will!! This friendship we have, is written in stone, love, and eternity!!! You are always in my heart, thoughts, and prayers Cher!! Love always, Dawn

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