Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Adding to the last post

... I just need a moment.

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First, I have had all I can take. I have never met anyone so mean as Victor. Hours on the phone:

"I call you each day because I have feelings for you."
"You are so deep in my heart, Cher."
"You are so important to me."
"I care about you more than any woman ever."
...Blah, blah, blah... he can talk it, but cannot walk it.
And I loved him so much.

Ugh! It just makes me shake my head and think what lies. I mean, he goes away for 2 weeks when he was supposed to go for 5 days. He calls me the night before, says he will be missing me and such. He emails the moment before he leaves that moment. Then what? Nothing for 2 weeks. Theeeeeeeeeeeeen, an email the night he comes back? No way! I am done. He is a big meanie. His email was about 3 sentences, and he wrote as if I were some person he did not know. Not like a woman he had loved. Not like, "Cher".

(This post will be full of typos and such, but I do not care at all.

And, I am tired of feeling "Not good enough". I have this friend Kenny,... he is such a great guy. He was 5 times an NFL first draft choice, into boxing and martial arts, a volunteer firefighter, a bouncer and more. He is 6'3 and we have the same eyes. He drove 55 miles just to hug me. When he came in my door, he did just that. And he lets me hug him until I am done doing it. Then he picked me up into the air and hugged me for a minute or so as my legs dangled. He always hugs me for a long time when we see each other, brushes my hair from my eyes, and smiles. See? Victor thinks I am not good enough, pretty enough, sweet enough to fight for.

Kenny told me I was beautiful,... the full package. He says Full package", because he says I am beautiful outside, with my eyes and smile, oh and :o sexy hair. And when you see all that is inside, you are falling in love with me. That was a very sweet thing to say.

(... oh and, he helped me change my myspace playlist to better songs, like "Roll with the changes". He picked out "I turn to you" and so many others for me. Grazie, brat! :)

He says Victor is dumb for letting me go. Perhaps, but I do not think Victor cares about it. I mean, if he even cared a little, he would have contacted me. He did not. He made no effort. To me, that shows a mean and selfish person. He never loved me. Plain and simple.

Stefan, well, he loves me. He tells me he wants and needs to be with me. He is with Emerging Magazine. He is also one of my very best friends. He left me some very sweet messages on myspace (... Jim too)

He told me he would be good to me. Not like Victor as far as pretending. He is a great and handsome guy inside and out. Kenny, as well. Kenny says he could be on fire and be looking into my eyes and say, "Yes, I am on fire" without moving his eyes from me, and Victor cannot stomach the thought of being with me without feeling frightened? Yes, I am such a frightening person to love. My heart is terrifying, yes?

I am so dead to him. As far as I am concerned anyway. He promised he would not go away. He did. He did for 2 weeks, leaving me to wonder and such. I deserve more. I am a good person. He had crushed me beyond belief. He then gave me a big kick, and walked on.

Then we have Auggie. He loves me and really wants to be with me. And, Sal, Marco, Jim, and a few others. Do I go for it? No. Why? Well, my heart was shattered. How could I? So what did I do? I shattered their hearts. For what? All I gave to the relationship, ... my entire heart and trust. I gave it to someone that I truly loved. What did he do? He lied. That is what he did. He pretended. I now realize it was all a bunch of lies. He never, ever, ever, ever, ever loved me. i was a stupid fool. And, I will not make that mistake again.

Anyway, thank you for all the 20 or so comments on my last post. I know I have not replied to them, but I am just fed up. I am sorry to be so upset, but my heart cannot take much more. ... it will die, be sure.

What will I do today? I will move onward. I am walking away forever.

Kenny has helped in healing the broken pieces. (... as has Martin, Oddur, Joann, Dawn, Don, Terry, Scott, Meghan, Jenn, Stefan, Jim, Auggie, and others, like all you guys.)

I told Kenny about Victor when he was over at my flat. He said, I have one question, Cher,... why?" "Why would he leave someone like you?" I shook my head as I told him,... "I guess I was just not worth much to him." He then held me for almost 3 hours. He told me he never wants anything or anyone to ever hurt me.

"No more making you cry,... no more gray skies."

It is pretty sad when the woman you care about most has to be held by others, because you are much too busy visiting people that you met on a pilgrimage, than going to her and holding her yourself. I guess it shows your priorities, yes?

"What a big heart you have Grandma" ,says Little Red Riding Hood with innocent eyes.
... right before the wolf tries to eat her, disguised as a loved one.

-Me

2 comments to Cher:

Anonymous said...

WOO HOOOOOO! Yes, sweetie, don't let anyone cause you pain!! And good for you, sounds like you have many people to be there for you.

It's a sure pity that he is so blind, babe. ;-)

Nico said...

Cher, dear.....you're beautiful.

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