Monday, September 03, 2007


I have been happy this week--extremely. it is a good feeling to laugh and just relax. sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane, that we forget about all the "every things" that make us shine.

autumn is arriving, as well. it is one of my favorite times of the year. I cannot wait to step out and take in all the scents and vibrant colors. I cannot wait to carve a pumpkin and pass candy to all the little vampires, princesses, witches, and such. oh, they make me laugh--love it.

I shot this image last year...

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me going as a vampire for Halloween last year. the original was scanned--I did not like how it turned out, so I gave it ink outlines and such. and I did not have my cape on the entire time, nor did I show my fangs! (how was I to get my prey that way?) ;)

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then it will be Christmas. I wish so badly to spend some time in New York City during this. I suppose I will, if only for a day or two. in fact, I might go next weekend to shoot some scenes in black and white. I was supposed to do that earlier, but never had the time. I love being there, and look forward to returning.

wow, this year has flown by. I cannot say it was a good year, but I will say that I welcome the next. I miss last year--sitting in my sun room, laughing, being less restricted in a sorts. I do not miss last Autumn, but I do miss my sister. I have not contacted her family very much since her death. I do not know what is wrong with me. it is just that each time I see her daughter's blog, it kills me inside, it reopens what I have pushed to the back of my head. I really must be stronger and less selfish. It was the worst thing to happen to our family and I am no good with any of it. I pulled myself away from the situation this year. I am sorry for that.

funny how bringing up Autumn brought about those last lines. we never forget, we just chose what to remember. now my thoughts seem to scatter and that happiness that began in this post, has turned to sad. I have a meeting to go to, but before I go, I am going to brush up on my smiles. I will be okay--always am. I have learned to take care of myself alone, and to keep my walls up just high enough to keep out heartache. I have no walls for my sister, only resistance to the reality of her being gone.

I am only me and sometimes that can never be good enough.

random thought: some girl on some sight called me ugly, and that I should not post another image of myself. I did not know if I should laugh or frown. I have never been called that, and I wonder if it is some sort of childhood game or grade school learning. I never replied to her rant, but shook my head in disbelief that a grown person could shout out such a silly statement. I do not know her really, nor she, me, but still it was all a very odd thing to see. I never thought of myself being ugly or not. in fact, I do not think I even use that word. even if I were ugly as she states, who really cares. I am above such shallowness.

I share so much here in my blog. it is my diary of sorts and this is me.

on a good note, I just thought of all the "every things" that made me smile this week. I am smiling at those "every things" as I finish typing these last lines.

(now that is the way I like to go out on my blog.)

ciao and happy labor day, my friends. :)

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