Saturday, September 29, 2007

superluminal

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so many thoughts passing through--sometimes so quickly, I feel as if my knees might shatter. in an odd sorts today... elusive, contemplative, a rushing from vine to forest floor, if you will.

have you ever felt as if you were not so in control of things? or perhaps think you are in control? I say that and mean, the flood of passion that actually pulls goosebumps from flesh. and it is not as much about control as it is resistance. I have no idea where it came from, but I have a strong resistance to many things. if I feel a closeness or the calm before a storm, I can quickly pull myself away before the debris begins to scatter. I can turn my head as if it never happened. I suppose I have some to thank for that--the few that have taught me about love and war. they may never know how they changed my course from summer to rain.

and I do not feel harsh or cold, but numb at times. and I do not hold regrets like a sadness in the palm... I hold nothing but my head. I keep it from lowering in what seems to be an oncoming wave of emotion. and sometimes I sabotage things unknowingly, just to feel grounded again--safe from what felt like flying. I do not do this on purpose, but I have seen it in action. I do this out of fear, I think. I feel more concrete when I am in control of as much as possible in my life. don't we all?

sometimes, and only sometimes, I get close--just enough to feel the flicker of an eyelash, only to turn away for a second and it is gone. I thought I was holding on tightly, but I lost it or it flew away without warning. now I stretch my arm out past my shoulder... the length? that is easy... just enough distance from ache. I will not allow myself to feel anything, but happiness now. I do not think I will ever allow anyone to get in so close again, that they may sever the only thread that holds my heart in place. I could be wrong.

"I'm wired to the world" -- goldfrapp.

seems the only people I keep near, are the ones that I know are the lifeline. the dozen or so close friends I could never do without. no matter how many days pass or what sort of moody mix I am in, my love for them remains the same, if not stronger. funny, I will send them notes out of the blue, just to tell them I care. even if it is a "Hope you are enjoying your day"... I do not ever want them to forget how I love them. and I try to treat everyone a kind as I possible can, no matter who they are. (I thank my mum for teaching me that, as other things, when I was a child.)

I feel good knowing that part of my heart is passionate and surrenders to what I call, "a constant wave of candied kisses".

6 comments to Cher:

Matthew Rounsville said...

Hi, Cher. Try not to think of things with the word "never"--because that word is one of the most physical words you can utter, is the oral equivalent of a wall.

The beauty of your heart to me is partially due to how naked it is--raw & unprocessed, its purity & "realness". Everybody worries, but I think than when you feel like that, you should just remind yourself who you are--which isn't always easy--and I bet you if you asked any of your "my 12" they'd all have beautiful things to say about you & what you mean to them.

I'm really grateful to have known you--every bit of it has meaned much to me (even when you're bratty)

and I know for a fact that your heart is strong enough to regenerate

feel better soon

Cherilyn Ferroggiaro said...

thank you, matt. I appreciate that.

and, I actually feel fine--just some thoughts. :) sometimes it is better to be able to write them out, so you can let them go, in a sorts.

I am grateful to know you, as well. you are a wonderful and patient friend.

Cher

Matthew Rounsville said...

Wonderful, yes, but patient? Instead of patience I'll just buy chocolate...

But seriously, I'm glad you're able to do that, that writing offers a force. Writing for me never states, always questions, which sometimes deepens the complexity of the gulf by adding more code to it.

Glad you're feeling well


matt

Anonymous said...

Though we sometimes walk with candid concern through the shadows of life, we must find that place within ourselves for comfort from the storm. The pain of disconnect from another pulls at us only to help hold our heads up against the rain.

We feel the peltering of each drop against our already fragile skin, hoping the next drop will be the last, only to be bombarded by another deluge of inconsiderate tales. We try and stand against the lashing, all the while feeling the pouring of our life-blood spill from us. How do we keep from disappearing into the shadows, forever to n'er be heard again?

The power that stems from within us, the brightness that evil cannot shade, that power, is Love. Love will conquer all that comes against us; be it the love of family or friend, we can only gather strength from the other. Where 2 or 3 gather in love, there can be no defeat. You have the power of many, even when you need just the one.

Harness the strength within you, we have provided you with a shield against the arrows, use it. Guard yourself from the rain with the umbrella of Love. I will always share my umbrella with you.

Cher, whenever you feel the need, I have a giant bowl of "candied kisses", just for you. You are never alone my love, never. As long as I have breath to breathe, a beat to my heart, I will be right here for you. I am right now standing by your side. Reach out kitten, feel the power of love.

Your friend

Dawn said...

We cannot mend that what has been severed .. and sometimes things just break loose in a way as in some friends are double-knotted in our lives, while as others are tied once and it is those that are in our lives for a season and come untied and each in connection goes their seperate ways. I can understand about the control of things, we all feel time to time that is us who wants to be the ones in control .. for with that feeling it is us who controls the emotions, as in letting them go or holding them in. I know you never mean to sabotage anything at all .. fear does play its roll as in holding us and even in letting us go. When our hearts have been picked apart by another and we have the pieces left scattered .. it is hard to allow one to come in .. as in giving them that ground to walk. We tend to guard our hearts in a way that keeps others from breaking in. But it's not a bad thing .. it is a love for ourselves I believe in wanting to be sure over allowing another in so easily as we may have before. Cher, you always show the ones you love you truly care for them and yes, that is from your upbringing in wanting to do so, in carrying passion for caring!! I always want for you to keep me near you .. and no matter any amout of space inbetween, I know I am still ever so close at your heart just as you are mine. I love you Cher! I consider you a lifeline!!

Cherilyn Ferroggiaro said...

thank you so much... you guys are absolutely wonderful. I will always cherish your words. and I know each one of you very closely... I can honestly say, each and every one of you are beautiful inside and out. you are giving, loving, wonderful friends, and are my heart.

love ya!

meeeeeeeeee

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