Wednesday, October 03, 2007

wish you were here

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(I need a better image to scan, but most is in storage boxes somewhere. I will look soon.)

on october 13th, it will be one year since my sister was killed. what have I done? I have done nothing noteworthy. I think my entire life changed that day. seems I am just not the same. I think that is the day that I shut so many out. and I know a lot of you are shaking your heads in agreement. and I have been closing doors behind me ever since. I am okay, I am. sometimes I just need to write things out. and I look back knowing I need to turn around and at least leave the door ajar. but with a sad heart, I turn and move faster.

I have this new folder in my in box. it is called "misc II". I put letters there that I cannot read out of guilt. letters that need replies, text messages, and cards. I have a very close pal named, "". he and I have been like best friends forever. he wrote me the other day and I placed it in that folder. I just now read it. I will share, because he will not mind.

Cher Cher,

Of course, you too. I think of you often. There's a story I haven't written, called "The Attic Hun", that I should write sometime, whose protagonist is inspired by you, just three characters, but one isn't solid enough to write with just yet.

I've been nothing lately, but I've started working out again. That's about the only news here. Oh, my parents got a pig, over 200 pounds.

There's something in you--where there's a softness I'm very sympathetic to, a pain even--but you handle it with love, act beautifully. It's always been something of a model to me--because I can hurt so much, to not let it take over, not close my eyes. You're maybe the only woman I've really "let in" where pain wasn't the thing that coalesced the relationship (friendship)--not because pain wasn't there but because you deal with everything so humanly--talking to you has always been relaxing to me because of that, because even pain can be a mask.

glad you said you were doing well & hope you still are

miss you tons


I have not replied. we used to talk about so much. it is great to have a male friend that I can tell anything to with it being totally on a friendship basis. (not sure I typed that right, but you understand.) anyway, I am sure he would not like being in that folder. and being there does not mean I do not care (I love him as a friend very much),... it means that I do not know when or how to respond--just something I am going through.

some people close in my life(I will add more when I do the images):

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for fun (two angels):

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and me:

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*not all the images are perfect, but each and every one of those people are in my eyes.

random thought: I wish I could hug stefan right now.

I like doing random thoughts. I like saying them to those involved (when they are kind). ha!

here is the thing, I am not sad. I am not angry. I am just so contemplative lately. I think if I can write out my thoughts, I can look them over and try to understand what I need or want,... what I am going through. does that make sense? I always want or need to fix things. and at work I have come to realize that I cannot always fix everything,... that God takes who he takes. (for those who do not believe--people come and go, we cannot always be in control of such things.)

I have this friend, victor. (I have to mention this.) I am amazed at how gentle some can be. this person is in a tie with dawn--they must be the purest people on earth. I mention this, because I hope to be like them someday. not that I plan my life into being others, but to learn from them, and become an even better person. I do not think they have a cruel bone in their bodies. I absolutely adore having people like that around me.

anyway, I wanted to add this image of me. one of my best friends, Jo edited it for me, then I added the tonal adjustments. I think I look alright, just not smiling. I had this image taken for the bio part of a book.

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enjoy your week. xo

3 comments to Cher:

Dawn said...

Cher, I cannot even imagine the loss of a sister, knowing that I am an only child. We cannot prevent things from happening like they do, we have no control over that. I do know that if it were not for God's strength, for me, truly for us all we could not carry on. I appreciate you seeing me as gentle person, for looking within me and finding what lies deep. A gentleness about me, truly I hope for others to see. I believe in living life for others, and in saying that I am meaning this--to live my life in a way that I hope speaks through showing that I care for mankind and I look for the good and cause my eyes to be blinded from the bad. For who are we to take what looks wrong in our eyes of another and hold it up as to shout to the world, look at what he/she has done in this moment or pretense. Just as we begin to line up one finger in judgement, there are 10 that so easily can be pointed back at us. It is my desire, from the depths of my heart to love and to be loved; but even in loving others if I do not feel loved back I will not give up. For I know that any act of kindness does not go unaccounted for whether or not it is ever brought to light in our own eyes. I love you Cher, and in knowing you I have found a part of me that shines at its brightest. You are a light that radiates through me, the light of your love, passion, and kindness. I will have you on my heart as this day nears one year for your sister's death. I admire your strength, you stand CHER ... when you may feel that is the hardest thing to do sometimes, you are always held up. With a love that has no end, that love belongs to you .. for in loving you, there is no way I could ever stop. Love, Dawn

Unknown said...

you are the perfect friend.

I cannot imagine life without you. you have grown into the emptiness that my sister left. you wipe my tears, make me smile, and warm my heart. I will always be here for you. I will always try to be the best friend that I can.

I have lost so many people in my life--I sometimes find it hard to trust or get close. one minute they are there and they love me, the next,... an empty space. with you, I know that will never happen. you love me through it all, no matter what. and that, my sweet friend, is what relationships are all about.

I am no where near perfect, but whether I am away or around each day, my feelings do not change. always know you are one of my closest friends.


Dawn said...

Truly you are the perfect friend.

As in imagining life without you, that I cannot do. To know that I have filled an emptiness that your sister left, I am honored and at the same time happy in being able to do so. The tears that fall from your eyes, not a one trickles down that I do not notice and as they begin I run up to you and wipe them away ~ hugging you and telling you all will be okay. If I can keep a smile on your face, I have accomplished a heartfelt goal for my day. In warming your heart, I stay alive. I know that you will always be there for me, never shall I ever doubt that and know that I am right there .. standing next to you through everything ~ the good, the not so good, and all the inbetween. In trying to be the best friend that you can be to me, that is something you do not even have to try ~ because it comes natural and my soul whispers to me, I am BLESSED!

I am sorry for the ones you have lost in your life .. I wish there was never an empty space. I am happy to know that you know that will never be the case with me. I truly love you through it all, no matter what and that's a forever promise, I'll even say a pinky promise and you know how I believe in living my life by them.

You say you are no where near perfect, but I beg to differ .. you are the perfect friend, and in you only have I found that perfection. I have many that I call good friends and some other best friends .. but there is no one that "compares" to you! My feelings will not change, no matter the distance that should ever be placed before us for whatever reason. I will always know that I am one of your closest friends and you must always know that you are one of mine.

Love always,



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