Wednesday, October 31, 2007

As if By Sea

[There is something in narcoleptic surrender, something in the words you long to say; if only briefly, it is enough to stay awake...]

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Speak to me, Tesoro,...
should I write the words that
you think might someday make
us famous?

I slip past your lips tonight,
find myself deep inside, where
each second, I witness you for
the very first time, where you
cannot sleep, where I carry your
name, tangled on my tongue.

For a moment, I rest in the deep
of your throat. Beautiful and low,
I pull each breath with a stern
finger, your voice impels from
the chest—something pushing


And there is no frame to this leg
room, no faith free of distance.
I wish you were really here.

But these two hands alone, cannot
pass the ocean that rises, splits
these words to a scatter.

And soon it will be against the nape,
its salt thickening my own tongue
to a silence.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Time to go hug a few hearts

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First, I wanted to say that I am behind in my email and I am truly sorry for that. I know that most who read, send me email, and I have it saved. :) Grazie.

Today will be good. As most of you know, I volunteer when I can; I go to another hospital (not the one I work at) to read to the ill children in the pediatrics unit. Well, I meant to stop by Barnes & Noble yesterday, but forgot. So, I will do that in after I shower. I found some lovely children's books last time I was there. I think I bought 8 or 9 last time. Anyway, I will go buy some more to read today. (Perhaps some candy too!)(Shhhh...) ;)

I adore their smiling faces! :) I like to give the children the books to keep, after I have finished reading to them, and finished hugging them all. (They give the best hugs!) :)

Then, I will go kickbox. I feel I need to release some stress. (Well, not too stressed, but you know what I mean.) Anyway, I was able to spend time with Dawn this morning, so that was nice. And I have been so busy, I have not been to LiveDigital. I arrived, and was greeted with so many sweet messages and comments. So, so, so sweet. Grazie. :)

Oh, I must say, I really miss Victor,... he is away on a worthy cause. I have not talked to him in a few days, and I am not used to that. Hopefully he emails me as soon as he returns. :) I miss Jo Jo, too. I will have to call her this week. Seems we have been so busy or multitasking, that we can only talk for a moment or two.

By the way, I love all the people I surround myself with, (such angels).

I saw a few other people dear to me this morning, so my day started so well. Although, I ended up a bit embarrassed at something. It is rather funny, but I get so shy and silly sometimes. I really try not to be. :) Also, Michael (my cat) bit me in the knee when I was replying to a few things! I think he is going crazy. ;) And he keeps staring at something, but when I look, there is nothing there! I am seriously thinking he has a bug, but like I said, I never see anything. Maybe he is trying to drive me crazy? ;)

Anyway, after I kickbox, I hope to take some images. If so, I will post a few here. :) But for now, here is an image for you all. It is just a rose that I captured. But I wanted to give you something pretty for your Sunday. :)

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Have a beautiful day! I will be around in about 5 hours or so (if I do not go get images). Sorry it seems my words are all over the place, but I am finishing up a school paper at the same time. ;) xo Cher

p.s. I followed my link here at the bottom of the page, to see who links to me, and wow! I must say, I know I get email and such, but I am truly grateful to have so much support. Grazie.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Don't Be Surprised

A poetry reading. The image is one I took in New Jersey. :) If you listen, please do not forget to pause my play list down there. :)


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2002. I looked young, but I always have. Anyway, just wanted to post this silly and scanned image. :)

[Il mio sogno sei tu...]

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[Il mio sogno sei tu...]

My curious boy, it is not only
that I drink your words to hollow
out my body, my body hollow,
I drink to fill my soul.

Why God chose to make me, Tesoro,
I will never know.

When I drink, I become the evening
which formed the voice of the ocean.

It is then
that I will have traveled the contours
of your mouth, read poetry from your
breath,... language that ached for release,
isolated in the sleep between dreams.

(Do not be surprised.)

Look at me, look at me,..

I have spent the entire day dreaming
your head rising the crest of my body.

And beneath the cathedral of my bone,
the ocean notes gather, soft as the smile
upon my face, sweet as the whispered
spirals of an angel who calls out.

"How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?" - Lifehouse

I was just thinking, poetry can be read wrong. I usually do not explain my work, but this is romantica. The two in the poem are about to kiss. Eh, forget it,... ;)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Beauty in B&W

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I adore this image. I truly appreciate b&w images.

Questionnaire that I promised to fill out

What was the last thing you ate?
hmm... some reese's pieces about 12 hours ago

Favorite color?
none really. I guess, autumn colors

Name a good word.

Do you miss anyone right now?
yes, a lot of people

Name 5 people without thinking first.

victor, dawn, martin, see-saw, carsten

What are you wearing?

jeans, a light blue sweater

What is your warning label?

Italian AND Scorpio

You see someone getting picked on, you?

kickbox their ears

Are you Hot or Not?
I am just normal

Where have you been overseas?
Italy, England

Ever pinched a street sign?
I do not know what that means :o

Favorite alcoholic drink?
I do not drink often, but I love baily's on crushed ice

From whom did you get your last e-mail?

Anyone waiting on an email from you?
oh, yes. (Sorry)

Last person that made you smile with words?

victor, dawn, martin, carsten, a few others

Last person that made you laugh aloud?
Jo jo, I think

Last person you wrote to?
dawn - I replied to a few things in her blog

Last person to say they miss you?
victor - in an email. oh, and my mum! :)

Last person who messaged you?
Carsten or jenn

Last person who thanked you?
David - graphistolage

Last person who praised you?
not sure

Last person who was there for you?
martin (a few hours ago)

Next big event?
an event with emerging magazine -
I am going with my friend see-saw

What are you listening to now?
my play list

Lake, ocean or river?
easy, sea

Do you enjoy snow?
yes. I like to ski and build snowmen ;)

If we quit voting will they all go away?
you tell me who "they" are, before I answer ;)

Latest Obsession?
hdr - I am not good at it, though :)

Are You a Good Friend?
I hope so

What is your sign?


Do you sleep a lot?
not really

Coffee or tea?
depends on my mood

How many girlfriends or boyfriends have you had?
not many - a few long term ones

What makes you smile?
a lot of things: my friends and family, the sea, music, hobbies

What color is your bedroom floor?
are you a stalker? ;)

Favorite word?


Favorite internet word?

none that I know of. I do not use them.

Favorite quality about yourself?
my heart

Ever copped an attitude over something dumb?
not really. attitudes are over-rated. ;)

Do you hold grudges?

no (again, over-rated) ;)

Last thing you drank?

What are you listening to now?
same thing (my play list) "the promise"

Will anyone else fill this out?

not sure

Saturday, October 20, 2007


*if you listen to videos here, please do not forget to scroll down and push "pause" on my juke box here. grazie!

Silence from the past / Silencio del pasado

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"Lisbon is not a noisy city. But, it may give that impression when one enters this place, these ruins of the Carmo Convent. Suddenly silence is created. What you only hear is one or two birds flying around. All else disappears. And this silence gets inside while walking along the nave. Even in ruins, one gets peace out of it.

Lisboa no es una ciudad ruidosa. Pero, podría dar esa impresión cuando uno entra en este sitio, estas ruinas del Convento do Carmo. De repente se crea el silencio. Lo único que se llega a oir es uno o dos pájaros volando alrededor. Todo lo demás desaparece. Y este silencio traspasa al interior al caminar por su nave.
Aún en ruinas, uno sale de aquí con paz.

Víctor Nuño

Víctor Nuño

*This image goes straight to my heart. As soon as I saw it, I was amazed at its beauty and peace. I love the colors, sense of place, the caption, the mood, the composition, the sky, wow, just everything. I wish I had taken this image. (I never have said that before about any image, but now I have.) This image is my favorite image anywhere, including in my own collection. I hope it moves you as it does me.

His work is an inspiration. He has a gift. I hope he continues to share his heart light with us.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

"tonight, tonight, tonight...", (as the smashing pumpkins would say.)


not so perfect. and all I can do is hug these words. at the moment, I miss my sister. at the moment I made a mistake. at the moment something is wrong. and at the moment, I cannot fix any of these things. I do accept this.

and being a (almost) physician's assistant,... you are a healer of sorts--someone to make someone else's day brighter with warm hands, knowledge, and sometimes, just to be a good listener that carries a smile (with patient's families mostly). but you know this cannot always happen, (as with a patient I mentioned I had lost). no one is perfect.

and when things go wrong (and they will at times), you can sometimes find comfort in a song. darren hayes is my all time favorite artist. this song, my relief. when things go off course, I like to write. that is what I am headed off to do now. and when you can open your eyes again, it is always so much nicer. (at least I hope so in this case.) and sadly, no one is around, so I will go write and think of all the good in my life, in the world.

a good thing? I know I passed my exam at school today. I can feel it. :) I stay up at night and study, study, and study. (I do take my breaks, of course, to share photographs, words, and smiles. :) and when it is all said and done,... I will have to buy stock in starbuck's and all the chocolate in the world, for helping me get through school. ;)

I hope all is well out there in internetland. a thousand hugs to you.


oh, and mum,... I am sending a prayer and a hug. I thank you for my life. I love you so deeply.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Me (looking away at chocolate?) ;)

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I will say one thing, I look so much like my mum here. I love her. ;)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

In Silence & Stillness

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Nikon D50 SLR - shot in Newport, Rhode Island


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In the (h)rs Between Silence and Cathedral Doors

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(I shot this image last year)

Autumn's breath makes a spiral above leafless
trees, where we are caught in the oranged
backdrops of candied moons.
How precisely you have become my mouth
as you attempt to utter words that can only
tangle at the tongue. How easily you have become
devotion that creeps the chill from these arms.

(A colder breeze suspends beyond the shoreline.
We shiver

Shhh, there's no need for language,
no need for fortification--
I have measured excellence, from the softness
of your nape, to the ache that surges from bone.
I have cupped rivers into seas.
Those seas smooth stone. The air that builds,
slips gently into our purging lungs.
We breath in the photographs like canyons
along the water,... all becomes beautiful.

Our lips sweep, and from any point of the body,
resistance breaks.

You can see the temperature rising--
the stimulation.

Save your eyes, I want you to consider flesh,
to know all that I have become before you.
It is all one can wish for when they cannot speak.
When beneath the fading moon, darkness sets
in, when you hold all that I am in the palms
of your wondrous hands.

Oh, the love

from dawn,...

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here she is...

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she is one of my angels. I love her SO much! I have not even thanked her yet. I am multitasking and got distracted for about 2 hrs. I started to write and all was blocked. (I cannot help it.) but I do not mean any harm,... once I start to write, I cannot finish, until I finish.

I did not know she was around, but I went to say hello, and right after I was distracted. but I will thank her and let her know I am grateful for her friendship. and I am. xoxo

There is Nothing Here to Understand


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Monday, October 15, 2007


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I love this.


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I have been adding these entries on the people closest in my life, and here is another. I really cannot express what I feel, because it is the way I do about dawn (in a way, as far as being inexpressible.) have you ever known someone and felt them to be an angel in your life? as if, out of the blue, someone comes along and makes you an even better person? that is victor.

that song, "kind and generous" by, natalie merchant, fits perfectly. he is always, always there for me. he is so gentle with everything and everyone around him. I am truly blessed,... if I ever needed someone to talk to (besides the others I added here in their own tribute posts) I could come to him. I love victor so much, for the way he is, and for the way he always will be.

here is something he once said about an image of his:

"Walking in life, always ahead, or by foot towards sunset in pilgrimage. Sometimes we need to look around to realize about certain gifts that we are given. As a sunrise, looking back. As the nice silhouettes we leave behind. As the nice silence and peace that encourages to keep on going."

victor is selfless, honest, and one of my best friends. he is love, generosity, courage, positivity, and a wonderful listener.

(dawn is like that, as well,.. she really hears what you are saying, and does not act, but is genuine. (matt too.)

his smile could light up a room. if you only could see how he is with his students, his friends, how he takes the time to acknowledge things that people say about his wonderful photography--he replies with such kindness. he even went on a pilgrimage! I am so proud of him. and I admire and respect him. he truly amazes me.

so, this post goes out to another angel in my life, victor. I hope he is always a huge part of my life, for I am truly grateful to have him.

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to semi-quote a song, "he holds me in his hands, he will not let me fall."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

one year ago today

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one year ago today...

my sister was hit and killed by a truck as she helped a pup out of the road. I cannot say completely where my thoughts are at the moment. I really am not sure why I am here today, typing in my blog. I do know that I love and miss my sister. I think back on some of the things she would say. gosh, they made me laugh so hard. if I would say some joke that she did not find funny, she would say, "good grief, cherilyn!" I would laugh so hard, because the only other person I know who says that is, charlie brown.

I think about the last time I saw her. she came to my mum's for a visit from south carolina. I had class that day, so I stopped in for only a short time. I guess I was there about 45 minutes or so. she was staying for a few days, because we were having a family reunion. well, I did not have time to go, so I said my 'hellos and goodbyes' all in that 45 minutes.

a year later, my mum told me that I hurt her. she said my sister felt as if I rushed and she wanted to spend time with me. my sister confirmed this during our last phone call. I never meant to do that. I wish I had visited longer and gone to the reunion.

I think about that phone call from my little brother anthony. it was 2am. I answered and he said, "denise was killed!" at first (being half asleep) I told him to stop playing. he assured me it was not a joke. ( I could never imagine him joking like that, but again, I was not fully awake.) then my other brother got on the phone and explained it more. after a few minutes, my mum got on. I could not understand her, because of her being so upset and crying. I tried so hard not to cry. I knew if I did, she would cry more. I love her and did not want that.

so we finally hung up after talking a bit. I went to my sun room, threw myself on the couch beneath the window and cried. it seemed like days being there. I saw a light in the trees. I tried to focus, but the tears were to heavy on my lids. after a few seconds it was gone. I will never know what that was, but it was there during her wake. it shone through a stained glass window for about 5 minutes, then it was gone. the light stretched across our family in the first few rows. it was odd, because the window was up a bit from where we were, so it had to go sideways.

I think about being at her home after she died. how my sister mary braided my hair on my sister's bed. everything was so surreal. I think about riding in her car. when we stopped for gas, my brother went to put something in the trunk. we both saw a bloody blanket there. I guess it is the one my sister used (or was going to) to pick up the pup from the road, because it tried to bite her.

I think about being angry or trying to understand, and not be angry over it all. I really wish she had looked for traffic. actually, no one knows what she was thinking, but her. I think about jessica and how right outside her window, she saw her mum get drug by a truck and die. I think of her whole family and how hard today must be. by the way, jessica and my sister have the same birthday. I think about tiphanie and how she had to grow upo so fast to take care of her father and little sister.

I think about placing my hand over my sister's while she was in the casket. how her hair was swept over and down by her side to cover a huge wound in her head. I tried so hard to keep it together that day. I had to be strong for my mum. she is so worried about me now, more than before. I think (know) she does not want to lose me too.

I think about all the people who were there for me during it all--most still here. I think about an email dawn sent today. she said she wrote a poem for my sister in her blog. I was amazed. she is one of the best friends that I have ever had. I was amazed she remembered the anniversary of my sister's death. I have not read it, but before I close here in my blog, I will add it to the end. I love dawn so much for being there for me today. victor, as well. he actually stayed home this weekend to be there for me. I love him so much too. honestly, I have never met anyone like those two. I am always amazed at their beauty. if I could, I would never let anyone ever hurt them.

I have not talked to my family today, yet. I am not sure I can do it. it is too much and I am not that strong. I try to be, but with everything that has happened to me, I have weakened, I think.

I think about when my plane flew out of south carolina, I blew my sister a kiss. and for the first time, goodbye really meant goodbye. I will never forget how that reality set in. I will never forget any of this. perhaps remembering is healing. perhaps it will fade, but of course, not go away. but with the fading, hopefully I can sort it all out and find somewhere beautiful to place it,... somewhere I can easily reach when missing her.

dawn's poem:

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My mind is unable to fathom your loss, your pain
For I am an only child and I know not how it feels
And I know there is no way to explain
My heart and love for you spills

Forever she is with you
When you wake and as you lay back down again
Your love and hers is ever so true
She was your sister and your best friend

Only if we could change things, but we cannot
Through it all we carry on
Life, not even a single moment we can plot
For in an instant change intrudes and everything can be gone

When you feel the wind, your sister is whispering
As the sun shines down, it is Denise that shines through
When the storm comes, peace to you she always does bring
With every drop of rain, her love soaks you

Tomorrow makes a year that she has been away
My heart breaks into for you Cher
By your side, being your best friend, I will always stay
Giving you my love, utmost affection, and heartfelt care

Dawn H. ~ 10/12/07 @ 10:11 p.m.

(I love you Cher.)

Friday, October 12, 2007


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My beautiful friend,... one of my best friends. I add her image, because I was just thinking, "where would I be without her?" and I wanted her close to me as I do a few things right now.

I guess I just miss her tonight. we have both been so busy these past couple days. I think besides, dawn, victor, matt, and a few more, she knows me more than most. we share so much of our lives with each other. her advice has gotten me out of a few jams in these last few years, as my advice has her. we are so much alike, and the jams we get in are (almost) funny at times! ;)

she calls me her sister, but deep down, I know she is my angel. we have so many plans,.. in a month or so, we are going to NYC to shoot some images. it will be a blast, I assure you. I will post some to share.

anyway, I just miss her. :) oh, and if she were here, I would say, "let's get some shoes!" ;)

Perfection of the imperfection

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"That name matched completely with what I think. I am not perfect at all, as I don't think perfection exists in this world. There can be good things, or adequate or inadequate. But not perfect, as it is impossible to cover all situations, or to not to have things we need to learn

As I am not perfect, I cannot ask anyone else for perfection.
So, here comes that I accept imperfections.

And then comes love:

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It is beautiful to love others "perfections", or nice things. But that's not all. There are these imperfections. Love really comes, when even these imperfections are loved. We all have parts in our personalities, that we don't like so much. That we might like to improve. Quite probably, these are our imperfections. There's nothing more beautiful than the help of another to overcome them with Love.

Lots of love.

And it is here, in this effort for love, where perfection comes, as there is really one perfect thing: love... perfection of the imperfection. Thanks to our imperfections, we fight more for love, finding it really deep. And finding the meaning of 'forever'."

My wish is, that everyone has someone like them close at heart, it can only enhance life's pathways. :)

Monday, October 08, 2007


I find it funny that the first comment I received about the first song on my play list was, "Haha, that song does not fit your profile; it is like being at an all white-dressed party, and someone walks in with hot pink! And then the song changes to something sweet! People are going to shake their heads wondering if that actually happened, and they'll have that song in their heads at 3am! Haha!"

I love it. I think I will leave the song up for a few days! Since I do not curse, I obviously laugh when someone else is bold enough to do so.

(well, I laugh, sometimes) ;)


p.s. "those shoes are mine...." ;)

Sunday, October 07, 2007

A full-mouthed brava

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Oh, tesoro,
I madden when we cannot speak—
the soft,
landscape of your eyes
(forgive me)
could split fields
zephyr in spring.

They rise
fall in
or when one feels
like push or pull, or the slip of
hand beneath the moon—

forget the feel of rain,
silence, the Italian of my mouth.

It has come down to here
and now,
the wick of my voice
in the distant breeze.

You are the soft of fruit,
liquid, pinned
along the horizon, where no one
is listening,
a mixture
of photographs
in the mind.

And I will drink while women stir,
whisper on the wire,
wide eyed fixed on words,
written for me.

I want you to hear my poetry,
to pause,
to toss photographs in the fire—
I am
not her!
I do not buy French sleepers
to weep in.

I am but a girl—sweet breath,
And I will cr awl amongst
the rose
in which you
plant with perfect form,
lie still
in absolute
and await with no harbored blush.


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from dawn. I absolutely love it!

some info about me? perhaps. being an Italian and a Scorpio, seems I am a romantic sort. who would have guessed? ;)

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Scorpio is symbolized by the Scorpion. Intense and emotionally perceptive, you pick up on unspoken words and speak the language of gesture. Deep, mysterious and magnetically attractive, you yearn for emotional intimacy. If hurt, you really sting -- and you don't forgive easily!

The Scorpion is as clever in love as in life: Much of what's going on is a tactical game, one they are more than likely to win. Scorpios can be very sexy when in love, and that says a lot about members of this already sexy sign. When in love, the Scorpion can be intensely passionate, a rush of fluid feelings in keeping with this Water-born sign. Often, though, there is a push-pull in the dance of love, thanks to the Scorpion's many motivations. A lover who is willing to discover what's really beneath the surface will serve both the Scorpion and themselves very well.

There's a hard-to-pin-down, magnetic quality which surrounds the Scorpion, an aura which says "try me, if you dare!" That's just what Scorpions want, someone fearless, who is willing to help create the ultimate romance, one which will take them to greater heights than ever before. When this works, the Scorpion's passions are unleashed with hurricane force. If, however, the romance zigs, zags and bouts of jealousy may be the unwelcome result. Ruling planets Mars and Pluto might prompt Scorpio to think that romance is a clash of wills, but a clever lover is the one who can bring this warrior to see that a pincer movement to the heart is the sweetest of all.

The Sex God of the Zodiac has quite a lot to live up to! The Scorpion does just that, thank you very much. The sexual prowess and drive of those born under this sign is legendary. Scorpions smolder with every come-hither look, alluring wink of an eye and mysterious stare. If you want to ride a tiger to an emotional and sexual crescendo, jump on the curvy back of the sleek Scorpion. The Scorpio lover has an almost hypernatural libido, and loves giving sensual pleasure, although receiving it is nice, too. Variety as the spice of life is the golden rule here, and Scorpio loves to choreograph the scene for maximum mutual satisfaction. Any lover stepping into this lair best be ready, since keeping up is a must. Scorpions adore a lover who can go on forever, the perfect gift for this truly sexual being. If that lover brings some toys along, things will be tied up oh-so-neatly. Ooh.

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Ruling the House of Sex can either be a blessing or a curse, and a lot depends on how the wily Scorpion deals with this erotic burden. Those mystical and magical creatures born under the sign of Scorpio are quick to channel their raw energy, power and strength into an exploration of their lover's emotions and sexuality. The Scorpion is intuitive and wants to get to the bottom of things, so there's no keeping secrets from this sexy Sign (although they'll surely keep a few of their own). An alluring resourcefulness and self-confidence is also evident in Scorpios, these folks being keenly attuned to what's best for them and how to get it. Anyone willing to take on the Scorpion will be engaging a cosmic power with plentiful sexual urges. The good news? A caring and devoted lover awaits. On the flip side, don't cross them, because those stingers can leave a heck of a welt.

A challenge is something that makes the Scorpion swoon: The prospect of someone who can test them and who can make the game fast and fun is almost irresistible. Scorpio, of course, wants nothing but the best, so winners only need apply. Scorpions are also eager to find a strong, understanding and perceptive partner, someone who embraces the many facets of this volcanic lover. What else? Someone who won't judge them, who possesses raw personal power themselves, who keeps the game interesting, who has a red-hot sex drive and who knows how to talk when it's important to the relationship. Not much to ask, eh?

The Scorpio lover is determined, forceful, has great passion and strength and finishes what they start. This is a powerful and sexual being who isn't for the faint-hearted. Those with guts are bound for glory!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

A Letter While I Am Away

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It is late. My hands are fireflies—
they suffuse and ignite your Autumn
to rain.

This spilling, made fresh by the ache
of my mouth— a bounty to serve
your skin another season.

Softness gathers at your hip, blesses
the dead trees that will come with
a late winter.

The song is not sorrowful.

I write in hopes that distance slips
from your palm. I note white-covered
crags that hang from your sea:

wool-coated offspring that plow along
the shore—a starfish or two, quiescent
in the tide.

Does this intention unfasten the heat
from your horizon?

Come, carry me to you—I want to cool
your breath with the wetness of

I do not wish to be here any longer.
This conurbation is a breast of lonely
cognoscenti and violinists that drift

until dawn—they gather solitude, spread
it thick like the clouds when you
are not near.

I need you—I stand in these drift tunnels
unable to move. I tug at the edge of my
heart in hopes of reprieve.

A Softness in the Ear

There are too many hours before dusk,
where one can become mislaid along
the hidden curves of the throat:
a burst
of laughter,
of white space,
of delicate, corporeal vocals;
a counting of the harvest in cultural

rearing. The voice is a lover: a span of
the sensual sun, a nervousness that lies
low in the season, waiting or begging
for release. And the flutter of chest
becomes wet--a way to taste the tongue,
or perhaps, a lead that one must pursue

solely. I say this before the rain, in hopes
of encore or breadth--

I don't know why I like it. I just do.

O, if I were an atlas--
a diagram that reveals warm breath on skin,
I would gather the hum that cascades nicely
from the sweetened lip, sweep it to elite waters,
and drown in what could never be mine.

* a smile...

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I hope everyone is enjoying the week! :) Sending a big hug to See-saw! :)

Between Sand and Stone

(for my sister)

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Between Sand and Stone

(For my older sister who was killed in Autumn)

The water is blue.
It moves in and out-- white foam
and screaming seagulls. Oh, the sudden
of it! It is 3 o‘clock in the morning and already
I have witnessed an early frost on dark glasses
that wedge themselves into the sand.

Already, I have felt the silence of your arrival.

Softness settles on the threads of your dressing
gown as you smooth a place to sit along the shore.
Cold, your mouth hangs like a sullen moon.

I want to pull you into my chest to warm you,
but I cannot move; my flesh has become
the ache of the season-- locked inside, where
my heart seems to be insufficient in its churn.

I need to let you know that your darkness frames
the sea, the gulls, the small boat that I have abandoned.
I have stood outside your imaginary church, never

I have sat in minutes rooms, pierced the white
with filtered thoughts, but still I see your passing.
It has been only minutes, and already I have swept
your tears beneath my coat, never noticing how
you remain translucent--a vague apparition.

I want you to know that I am here, driving
the snowflowers from your stone. I have plowed
the dark with inept hands.

Is there no other way?

(The waves pick up pace, siding with the sea,
they stitch our eyes to the horizon, where we
are held by blinding salts and circumstance.)

If for a moment, we hold hands...perhaps
together we can burn.
Perhaps we can warm the grays from your
gown--the dirty browns , where soil has leaked
itself, turning your bed into a garden.

(I place my hands in my pockets, walk toward
you. It begins to rain.

Somewhere out of the dim,
stars surface and scatter.

Leaning into the wind,
my body severs. Heading for common waters,
I begin to slip to sand beside you.)

I need to let you know that these waters inhale
your graces, your beauty through absence.
The heat of it brings me to my knees.

You did this.

My arms stretch for yours, a thousand silvered
ghosts slip into your dark.
A thousand black balloons rise into the air.

I cannot fly out of the madness.
Take these broken wings like distant weather,
bury them in the sand, bend pacific coast
highways--lead me to you.

Because although I can see you, sense your
grief on the periphery, I cannot do this by myself.
This is, but a dream.

These eyes unfasten from the horizon, mist over
useless in this relationship interrupted.
You think you can keep on going? You think you can
sit there like a seashell, and saturate the backdrop
into your dull veins?

Would you have uttered the future into my hands
if I were Heaven’s companion?

Hours have passed, Denise.
I am clinging to tomorrow.
Untie your tongue, my sweet sister.
Give me a reason to breathe again.

wish you were here

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(I need a better image to scan, but most is in storage boxes somewhere. I will look soon.)

on october 13th, it will be one year since my sister was killed. what have I done? I have done nothing noteworthy. I think my entire life changed that day. seems I am just not the same. I think that is the day that I shut so many out. and I know a lot of you are shaking your heads in agreement. and I have been closing doors behind me ever since. I am okay, I am. sometimes I just need to write things out. and I look back knowing I need to turn around and at least leave the door ajar. but with a sad heart, I turn and move faster.

I have this new folder in my in box. it is called "misc II". I put letters there that I cannot read out of guilt. letters that need replies, text messages, and cards. I have a very close pal named, "". he and I have been like best friends forever. he wrote me the other day and I placed it in that folder. I just now read it. I will share, because he will not mind.

Cher Cher,

Of course, you too. I think of you often. There's a story I haven't written, called "The Attic Hun", that I should write sometime, whose protagonist is inspired by you, just three characters, but one isn't solid enough to write with just yet.

I've been nothing lately, but I've started working out again. That's about the only news here. Oh, my parents got a pig, over 200 pounds.

There's something in you--where there's a softness I'm very sympathetic to, a pain even--but you handle it with love, act beautifully. It's always been something of a model to me--because I can hurt so much, to not let it take over, not close my eyes. You're maybe the only woman I've really "let in" where pain wasn't the thing that coalesced the relationship (friendship)--not because pain wasn't there but because you deal with everything so humanly--talking to you has always been relaxing to me because of that, because even pain can be a mask.

glad you said you were doing well & hope you still are

miss you tons


I have not replied. we used to talk about so much. it is great to have a male friend that I can tell anything to with it being totally on a friendship basis. (not sure I typed that right, but you understand.) anyway, I am sure he would not like being in that folder. and being there does not mean I do not care (I love him as a friend very much),... it means that I do not know when or how to respond--just something I am going through.

some people close in my life(I will add more when I do the images):

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for fun (two angels):

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and me:

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*not all the images are perfect, but each and every one of those people are in my eyes.

random thought: I wish I could hug stefan right now.

I like doing random thoughts. I like saying them to those involved (when they are kind). ha!

here is the thing, I am not sad. I am not angry. I am just so contemplative lately. I think if I can write out my thoughts, I can look them over and try to understand what I need or want,... what I am going through. does that make sense? I always want or need to fix things. and at work I have come to realize that I cannot always fix everything,... that God takes who he takes. (for those who do not believe--people come and go, we cannot always be in control of such things.)

I have this friend, victor. (I have to mention this.) I am amazed at how gentle some can be. this person is in a tie with dawn--they must be the purest people on earth. I mention this, because I hope to be like them someday. not that I plan my life into being others, but to learn from them, and become an even better person. I do not think they have a cruel bone in their bodies. I absolutely adore having people like that around me.

anyway, I wanted to add this image of me. one of my best friends, Jo edited it for me, then I added the tonal adjustments. I think I look alright, just not smiling. I had this image taken for the bio part of a book.

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enjoy your week. xo


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