Thursday, December 13, 2007


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...I just do not feel very pretty. Is that odd? What the heck happened to me? Where is the "me" I know? Sometimes that "me" slips away. I guess I have a few ex boyfriends to thank for that. I know, not every person is them, but why do people have to make you feel so unworthy? What upsets me is that I allowed it. Why? I thought they loved me and would change. I was cheated on by my last boyfriend. He sent me this not too long ago (and we broke ages ago):

"been thinking a lot lately and I just wish you knew that things were not quite how you thought they were, nor have I ever been--you know me well--one to defend myself, in almost any scenario, so I vanished. You left thinking I made everything up, thinking my words were not my words... how can you read below and think that.... I suppose things could never be the same, I just couldn't allow myself to go back into my grave without signaling, at least, one final breath. I won't bother you; I'm sorry for sending this. But I've rec'd two signs and had to send this."

By him saying "read below", he meant a love letter he had sent once that he attached to that note above. I decided not to include it here. His words mean nothing.

I honestly never felt unloved or not beautiful enough to keep him, as I did when that happened (his cheating with another woman). I walked away from him when I found out. I left three words behind, "Get lost, loser!" I never even asked for an explanation. I just did not care. And I never cried.

(This is my diary, so I added some of his words up there--not all, though. It makes it easier to see what I mean, I guess. I do not do this often with letters, because I just do not like to.)

And by adding his words to my blog, does not mean I care for him. I do not. How could I? He showed me what love was like. I just never knew it could be better. And it can be. Not every guy is like him. It is just so hard to believe that, at some points. And sometimes, words are just words. I need to see things to believe them. Not always. Just sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel that no one will truly love me for "me". I want to believe it is not true. I do. And sometimes, I think I am loved for who I am. It is just that I find myself waiting for the heartbreak. I find myself waiting for the "goodbye". Not all the time, just sometimes.

Someday, I hope "sometimes" turns into never. Someday I hope to be the way I used to be,... back when I did not worry, and I truly believed if someone does not like me for who I am, they are not good enough for me.

5 comments to Cher:

Martin said...

Your "me" ist still there. But sometimes we seem to lose contact to our "me". Life is changing, and so are we. There will always be points when we ask ourselfs about who we are or what the direction is. And then someday, we find us again, and we will see the way again, bright and clear.

As far as love, we all make our experiences. And some will hurt so deep inside. But for me, at the end it all makes sense. Things come as they are supposed to be. I have faith in that.

Falling in love, we can never know how things will develop. There will never be a guarantee. But we should never lose faith or grow tired. We should see it through the eyes of a child, interested and willing to experience.

When I go snowboarding, I want to learn new things. I will fall again and again, it may hurt, maybe I will even break my pelvis. But I will always stand up and try it again. Because it is so much fun. And there is no greater feeling than to finally succeed with that move or trick I tried so hard.


A. Moretti said...

Cher, it's understandable. We all get to feeling unworthy. Listen, you're such a beautiful woman, don't let anyone make you feel any different! Men who stray from their women are rats and they don't deserve a decent relationship, or anyone like yourself, Cher. I've had it happen and it's shitty. It makes you think alot about what you could've done wrong. In any case, it's not you at all, it's the idiot who strayed that did the dirty work.

Don't sweat about it, you'll find the love you're deserved and he'll have you on a pedestal, Cher. You're worth it. Do you remember that patient?! Do you remember how many came to your side? And it's the way it should be. I giggle thinking about all the crazy times we've had in the emergency room, all the crazy patients and whatnot. Just be yourself, beauty-full, and everything you desire will fall into your hands. =)


Anonymous said...

This is a bit sad to read. I wish I could say something to comfort you but I think both life and persons are very complicated. Most persons are gray, not plain white or black. I guess the hard times make us appreciate the good times even better.
There is no doubt in my mind that many people love you for exactly who you are. And I'm sure that one day you will find exactly what you are looking for and "sometimes" will turn into "never". So, keep on looking, don't look back and just get up and keep going if you fall.
All the best, Oddur

Gianni said...

Sometime I'm hoping you'll show up to my door & apply to me the biggest squeeze. All the times, I see you're the biggest heart & angel out in this world, Cher. You'll please somebodys some day & he'll become the most jealoused man to all peoples because he'll have someone like you. Only I wishing I had to my life somebodys as sweet. Have a kind day, Cher. :-)

Jenn D'Angelo (Gia) said...

Cher, sweet,'re one of the most kindest and beautiful women I've ever known. Don't let anyone change who you are. Everybody loves you, girl!
I really miss going places with you too.....but I know we'll hang out again soon! We have're my only latte friend! Jenn


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