Happy Labor Day

*wiggles toes*

buon intenditor poche parole...

siccome la casa brucia, riscaldiamoci, si?

******

something beautiful...

Benedetto sia 'l giorno, et 'l mese, et l'anno,
et la stagione, e 'l tempo, et l'ora, e 'l punto,
e 'l bel paese, e 'l loco ov'io fui giunto
da'duo begli occhi che legato m'anno;

et benedetto il primo dolce affanno
ch'i' ebbi ad esser con Amor congiunto,
et l'arco, et le saette ond'i' fui punto,
et le piaghe che 'nfin al cor mi vanno.

Benedette le voci tante ch'io
chiamando il nome de mia donna ò sparte,
e i sospiri, et le lagrime, e 'l desio;

et benedette sian tutte le carte
ov'io fama l'acquisto, e 'l pensier mio,
ch'è sol di lei, sí ch'altra non v'à parte.

in English...


Oh blessed be the day, the month, the year,
the season and the time, the hour, the instant,
the gracious countryside, the place where I was
struck by those two lovely eyes that bound me;

and blessed be the first sweet agony
I felt when I found myself bound to Love,
the bow and all the arrows that have pierced me,
the wounds that reach the bottom of my heart.

And blessed be all of the poetry
I scattered, calling out my lady's name,
and all the sighs, and tears, and the desire;

blessed be all the paper upon which
I earn her fame, and every thought of mine,
only of her, and shared with no one else.

Petrarca

"He was one of a triad of Florentine literary artists who best summarized Italian thought and feeling of the late Middle Ages and early Renaissance (Dante and Boccaccio being the other two). Laura, whose name he was to immortalize in his lyrics, inspired him with a passion that has become proverbial for its constancy and purity."

Today was that day

on the lighter side...



I have a tiny mouse sharing my flat with me. Micheal (my cat) has brought it to me a few times! I had to get a paper bag to release it from his jaws, and of course, it gets away, because I am way to frightened to catch it! he then, walks around crying and sniffing everything. I dislike my new flatmate, but as long as he stays on his side, I can live with it, (I think). ;)

here is something beautiful from one of my best friends, Dawn,



here is something beautiful from one of my sweetest friends, Sheri,



something funny...(I do not curse, so forgive me, but this had me cracking up),



and here is something for my readers and friends,



love you, guys. xo

I fancy a bit of the past

I wish I were a teen during the time of San Francisco's (to me) most fascinating time. I would have one of those nifty bikinis with the ring on the side of the hip, a VW van that was painted all sorts of groovy colors, and wear some of those dresses and boots, as well. Let's not forget the surf board hanging out of the back of that van! ;)

I imagine myself along the beach, giving funky little peace signs to all that pass. I would wear my hair as I do sometimes now, would be against war, and be all for love and peace. Not sure about the freedom as far as sexual activity, or drugs, but I do know that I would be happier in that period. I love so much about that time, from the poets, to the music.



Last Gathering of the Beat Generation Poets and Artists, outside City Lights Bookstore, San Francisco, December 5, 1965
By Larry Keenan (born 1943)

Everything seemed so simpler then, but I doubt it was. The women were absolutely beautiful, the music, electric, psychedelic, and sometimes peaceful like the lovely song, "If you're going to San Francisco".



Lifestyles change so quickly, as do fads like clothing. But have you noticed the clothes from that time have come back? My favorite outfit is a pair of Angel bell-bottoms, any shirt really, and my thick-heeled boots. I love my boots and have lost them in Carmel, and other places, but I always end up finding them. That is another story in itself! ;)

Take your gloves and get out

Sometimes everything seems so restricted--tied on such a tight knot that one can barely move. I say this, and mean the daily routines that we all have. Sometimes, I just want to break free from it all. I know that I was made for more than getting up, showering, brushing my teeth, going to work, school, kick boxing, coming home, and relaxing before doing it all again. I need something more, but what?

I have said this before, I need a release. Sometimes, music is that release--I come home and just dance. I would play piano, but I could not take mine when I moved, because it was much too heavy. Now I am left with keyboards, but they do not match up.

Sometimes, I want to climb the highest cliff and just scream. Odd? Not really. Not if you see it as a calming source. I want to dance there above the sea, swirling around and around in my summer dress and bare feet, until I collapse. I want to feel the wind in my hair... feel life. I have SO much passion in my veins that I feel as if I am about to explode.



Sometimes, I want to smooth myself into a field of flowers, and watch the clouds drift by. I want to swim bare in a secluded pond in a far off forest, with nothing around, but the sounds of the water caressing the bank. I want to be atop the highest building in N.Y. during a soft rainfall, and so much more. But once you grow into an adult, you rarely have time for such things.

I do not want to be a fighter, but a friend, a loved one, a good listener, warm-hearted, innocent (but fiery), and a girl that has purpose. I want to be all I can be.

You know, life moves pretty fast... when was the last time you paused to really see what it has to offer?



Moving on...




A musician friend (Gerardus le Monk) and I teamed up for this. He is so talented, and to be able to work with this brat--a genius! ;) Last I heard, he was composing the film score for the next David Lynch movie in a music studio built inside a Bauhaus kind of house, near the seaside in California. It has an interior swimming pool and some statues of the Ancient Egyptian goddess Bastet. I am jealously in love with that scenario! Anyway, I hope you like the outcome. xo

xoxo

Photography Awards and Accomplishments

USA101.com 22nd Picture of America Contest First Prize Winner:
(Cash Prize $1000.00) - "Insatiable"


USA101.com Picture of America Contest Category Winner:

1) As Colors Unfold II" in the 15th Picture of America Contest
(Cash Prize $100.00)

2)"And the fog rolled in." in 14th Picture of America Contest
(Cash Prize $100.00)

Betterphoto Editor's Pick:

A Quiet Autumn
Insatiable
Swept in Autumn
Shy


*just adding a few, but I will place them somewhere else when I have time to play with html. xoxo

Carmel, caramel, both candy to the eye

Random thought...

I wish I were in Carmel drinking a caramel machiato or caffè latte. You would find me relaxing on this private beach that I love to escape to, and listening the the sweet sounds of the sea. In Autumn would be even better--wrapped up warmly, viewing the most magnificent of sunrises. I would have my camera beside me, of course.

Such a beautiful thought on this Thursday in August. xo




*An image I shot in Carmel




* The drink of choice. ;)

falling...

my heart feels distant today like out on a limb, alone, as if it were floating into the sea, moving back & forth with the tide, falling & falling. not sure what that means.

today was good--only had a half day at work (filled in for another). But I feel the need for a release; I feel so tight. I wish I were beside the sea right now. I would run along the sand, rush the tides, and even write a bit. I love the oceam so very much. I have said this before, but it can take your breath away, or take your breath in seconds. The sea is so mysterious and pure.

anyway, I think I am going to dance for a bit. I know it sounds all too silly, but it really is a release. (Kickboxing is another.) After the HIPAA inservice this past weekend and all the other trivial events, I just want to dance--to shake loose all the uneventful things that have clung to my dress this past weekend.

I think I will dance to foo fighters "Best of you" for starters. Odd, that song feels as if I am singing the words and recieving some at the same time. Sometimes you just connect to certain selections, like you do with people or places.

I am at an odd place today, worn and open, standing on an avalanche of moments, where it is either sink or dance. I choose dance. ;) xoxoxox






I am only half myself today. (I do not know why I found that amusing). ;)

This has got to be a drag

*

dear denise,

in october, it will be a year that you were taken so suddenly from us. I miss you. you know, I have done nothing capable of being precisely good-willed since your leaving. I have done nothing notable. I have not touched my camera since feb, except to charge the batteries. you see, I had planned a day of shooting a few weeks ago, but work got to me first.

I wonder how different it will be to shoot images this autumn without you here. I am being selfish, I suppose. I should not think of how my life has changed... I should think of how jessica and tiffanie's lives have changed. I see them on myspace under my other account. they are so torn w/o you. I cannot imagine jessie's emotions, being the one who saw you get hit by that truck.

I picture your death in my head, although I was not there. I see all the different ways you landed after being dragged. I see your daughter's face. I picture the day of your funeral and how you felt so different to me. how I cried while over 300 people sat behind me quiet. it was just you and I up there.

you were always so much better than I... you finished school first, began as a teacher, went to church, had a lovely family, and gave so much to those around you.

me...? that one is easy; I tend to run when I get close to someone, drag my schooling out, get into bad situations, lose people, and I am such a brat. grandad's favorite, right? well, he once told me how he worries about me, because I am so much like him.

our family has quite a good reputation in california, into so many things, and school things as well. but no one can compare to the things he has done and said. even in his biography, he mentions his time as a child in china, and all the things his father accomplished. what I am trying to say is, you were more like him, than I. you always set goals, always reached them; you wanted 2 children after marriage, you did that. you wanted to build a home, you did that. (I know, I built a home, but remember, I walked out of it after a year.) I do not regret that.

I am mad that you left. I am mad that you did not see that truck before it hit you. I am mad that the dog you were trying to save from the road, tried to bite you. if he had not, you would not have gone back a second time with a blanket. sigh.

I am mad that you moved out of the house when I was only 15. we never had a chance to do "teenage" things. then you went to bahrain and so forth. you were always so darn far, denise. I was always busy with things like school and my hobbies.

I wish you were here. I want to make a huge thanksgiving dinner for you and your family. btw, after I built that home and you came to visit, I really loved the things you cooked. I am sorry that I did not go exploring with you on your vacation, and that we got into that tiny spat over whatever it was and, that I made you cry. as big as that house was, there was nowhere to hide from your pain.

I remember lying beside you as we talked about life and how I laughed at how you shaved your legs.

I remember our last phone call. you were coming to get that piece of furniture off my hands. it was such a nice conversation--I told you about the $1000 I won for a photo, and you were so excited to see the image. well, I am sorry you never got that chance.

I want you to know that when I flew to your funeral, I shot so many images of everyone. I actually got a few smiles. I want you to know that I saw the left over salad you left in the fridge, and the sink that you hated, because the way it was placed in the corner. I saw your bedroom and used some of your make up (I did not bring much because of airline regulations). and as I sat on your bed while mary braided my hair,. I felt you there. it was all so surreal.

and on my last day there, as the plane flew away, I blew you a kiss. boy did the tears began to fall.

my life has been so crazy since then, denise. I do not even know if you can see me right now. sometimes, I want to be held close, to feel warmth. who is going to be my sister to do that? I do not want to be the big sister now. I do not know how! I am so "unsettled", denise. I am always multitasking, working, and whatever. I liked it better when you were the older sister and kept us in line. my god, you were so bossy!

do you remember that time in bodega bay? I do. I took $5 from mum (was only 6 yrs old). do you remember how you made me your slave when you found out? you would threaten to tell if I did not clean up your messes and whatnot. sheesh!

or how we would "do" each other's backs? I would scratch yours first (or you would tell mum about the $5) and when it was my turn to get my back scratched, you were asleep? I always knew you were faking. I just allowed it because I loved you.

and I was always jealous at how well you were at riding horses. and when you tried to teach me, I fell off. I was really frightened. I just never showed it. that is why I would lie on dusty's back and sing puff the magic dragon-- it was much more calming (even in the rain). I used to love those foggy sonoma mornings.

I also loved watching all the wonderful things you did. how well you were at everything. you are a great loss to the world.

what I want to say is, you are so beautiful, inside and out. you are my one "stolen" thing. I love you. I wish I knew why it was you that fateful night and not me. perhaps there is something in store for me. perhaps, I just got lucky. I do not feel so lucky, not now, not here without you.

love, cherilyn


p.s. sorry if this letter is so messy and/or all over the place--I just typed as it came out.





p.s.s.


it is a terrible feeling to be able to save lives knowing the ones you love, are much too far to help. I am sorry I was not there, denise.

perhaps my life is to help the ill. perhaps I am here now to continue to do so.

so, why do I lose so many people in my personal life? not to death, but somewhere else. somewhere that I cannot reach them. some just go away, I suppose. I do not know why. I really should hold onto things much tighter. xo

A few images of mine

A Quiet Autumn



Barrington Beach, RI



Foggy Morning (RI)

Random things

A Self-Portrait in Late Autumn


... through that ever-
expanding interval, were never more
than these
late bees you'd
scribble: what hung, like sucklings, from the

fat,
dangling clusters; than these desolate, verb-
studded landscapes you'd
murmur, even
hiss into

some other, some ever else-
where's
ear.

Gustaf Sobin

Friends are forever

one of my best friends, dawn made this for me. it is by far one of the sweetest things given to me this year. I love her so much.

a link to the warmest heart:

http://mrsmississippimom.livedigital.com/

http://mrsmississippimom.livedigital.com/content/picture

thank you, dawn. xoxo

As the World Falls Down

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.

There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.

As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.

Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.

I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now,
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.

Falling
As the world falls down.

*david bowie.

just wanted to share such lovely lyrics.

I am listening to La Valse D'Amelie right now. I highly recommend it.

Don't be surprised

I have grown sooooooooooo bored of it all. I am not kidding. I need excitement to function well. even photography. and that poem? first one since last year. that is how "unexcited" I have become. I need something to bring me to my knees. I have even forgotten what butterflies feel like. odd, yea?

secret? not many understand why I was gone. sigh. but, I am healthy for good. (not sick as in any sort of mind state.) I have been in and out of the hospital. no worries, I am a rebel. :) I can handle anything on my own.

I am back now... I can honestly say that my heart ached being away from my friends. I get very quiet when it comes to being sick and such. now that it is over, I have to repair what has been broken. not sure I have it in me.

not sure I know how.

a few know how I feel and just waited my return.. never underestimating my friendship. grazie. others? they feel rejected, ignored, never knowing how my heart ached. I think for those, the ones that no matter what words I had ever said, felt I had deserted them... I just do not know. my energy is spent. does no one mean what they say anymore? I do. if I have spoken to you about how I feel towards you, know it to be a true feeling. I try to be as good as a friend as I can. no matter where I go or how far I may be, that feeling remains.

I just do not want to feel as if I have done anything wrong. for those who wrote, I left right after thanksgiving, only jumping online at the library when possible. I came back in feb and have not been online at all. not once. my mum did a few things for me, like logging into a few places so my accounts stayed active.

for those who sent birthday wishes, holiday and such to my yahoo account, I am truly sorry--I rarely check that address. I never knew.

yes, I was gone and I never meant to be, but if not that then what? it would always be a feeling of pulling toward me what I need near. should it not already be there warming me? through anything? not just with one person, but a few. I am a friend once and always... I do not quickly change my heart each day. my feet are much more grounded than that.

I truly, truly love you with all I have. all of you. next time I go away, please keep that with you. please do not make me suffer when I return. please do not make me chase you. honestly, I will not. I never felt the urge to chase anyone. moments pass much too quickly, should we not just enjoy them?

sorry for the rant. like I said, in an odd sorts today. hugs.

Losing Gravity

come check it out!

The Best of You

View this on LiveDigital



I love david grohl. This is my favorite song at the moment; this is the one song that makes me want to stand on a cliff above the sea, and scream the lyrics with him until our voices break. Better yet, he can sing this against my skin.

Hide tides

ok, I am finally back. I must say, I am so far behind with everything. if you have sent me an email, please be patient.

my trip was most satisfying. I must have collected 100lbs of sea glass. not sure what I will do with it. I spent a lot of time beside the sea gathering my thoughts, healing from my sister's death, and shooting images.

I came across some wonderful scenes in Newport, on Goat Island, Sabin's Point, and such. I must confess that I am very disorganized at the moment--my images are all over the place. I also have them on Cds and on another computer that is now in my storage. as time passes, I will gather them and post the scenes that captured my heart.

Congrats to my friend, Patrick Carrington on his new chapbook release, Thirst, winner of Codhill Press’ 2006 Poetry Chapbook Prize. Patrick Carrington teaches creative writing in New Jersey and is the poetry editor for the art and literary journal Mannequin Envy (www.mannequinenvy.com). His poetry has appeared in The Connecticut Review, The Potomac Review, Rattle, The Evansville Review, and many other journals. Rise, Fall, and Acceptance (MSR Publishing, 2006), his first full collection, is available at Main St. Rag's online bookstore (www.mainstreetrag.com).

you can order a copy and see how talented he is here:

http://www.codhill.com/

I will jump back into my IBPC position and attempt to get The Versifier back up to 500 posts a day. I am also beginning school again soon and changing my work hours to weekend doubles--7am to 11pm on sat & on sun.

on another note, from east to west: bicoastal verse (print edition #1) is out. I am honored to be a part of such a wonderful group.

The print is a lively selection from three years of featured poets at the journal "from east to west: bicoastal verse" including Jack Anders, Coleen Shin, John Sweet, April Ossmann, James Lineberger, Jalina Mhyana, Tara Birch, Terry Lucas, PJ Nights, Tammy Trendle, Valentina Bonnaire, Dorothy D. Mienko, AnnMarie Eldon, Chris Crittenden, Kerri Rochelle, Tasha Klein, Wendy Howe, Jill Chan, Jennifer VanBuren, Craig Kirchner, Jenni Russell, Edward J. O’Brien, Cherilyn Ferroggario, Paul Adrian Mabelis, Gary Lawless, Christine Kiefer, Neil C. Leach, Jr., Graeme Mullen, Sarah Wilson, Ray Sweatman, Tom Blessing, Yolanda Calderon-Horn, and George Wallace. Pj and Ray have done a splendid job. congrats to them.

you can pick up a copy here:

http://www.lulu.com/content/779500

I appreciate the email, well wishes, and just plain happy letters that fill my inbox. it make me very warm to know that what I do can make others smile. to see some of my new work, please go to my Live Digital site. I have only posted a few; I am on wireless as of saturday and my reception likes to go low at certain times. I try to do what I can.

In an odd mood today, really.


* a poem I am working on. it is only in it's 2nd draft. it is not about any certain someone... just a piece. anyway, I am going to have some rice krispies and get some things done. have a wonderful day.

[like a sonata clinging to the skin]

draft II

I dream underwater, where we
are fingertip to fingertip

against
a calming sea.

I dream in color of black and white,
of photographs, like clouds

pressed into a noon-day sky.
I dream of nightfall, where

a somber breeze warms the air,
where the images de-

scend to scattered streetlamps,
exposing this dream,

our bodies, the moon
almost perfectly.

Point Pleasant, NJ

a love of mine - the sea. does not matter which shoreline. I shot this on my birthday, exactly one year ago. xo

Self portrait

an image of me set with oil-based paint.

Just like Heaven

I love this song as much as I love the sea. have a great day. xo

What a year

not sure how I feel today. I have to get my license switched (I am moving out of state the day before thanksgiving) and some other things today. sadly, I will not be celebrating either my birthday or thanksgiving this year. my flat is full of boxes and I am so exhausted in every way.

what a year this has been, yea?

I want to thank all the lovely people that gave their well wishes. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many warm people.

I have been spending much of my time here:

http://ferroggiaro.livedigital.com/

it seems to keep my mind occupied at the moment.

I plan on sitting on the beach next week and getting some writing done. I have not done much as of late. I might even send some submissions out sometime in january. most of my recent pieces were asked for by a few publishers - some I submitted.

I have run across some of the greatest editors this year. one editor worked with me on a piece until it was in tip-top shape. I am forever grateful to him (thank you, patrick).

anyway, I have sat here and stared at this entry for over an hour. I suppose I am just not up to adding one. I will anyway. I wish you all a wonderful and warm holiday. xo

Scorpio [me]

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest people are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they are one of a kind.

hmm... the fearless (and prob more) I would have to disagree with. I am a scorpio and I found out this past week - I am also a fraidy cat. I do not like to be that way. I wish I were stronger. I have not written a thing in days either - I hope I can gather my thoughts enough to write. I do not want to write of my sister - I want to let her memory rest a bit. I am tired of talking about it. is that bad? I dunno, but it does not mean I do not miss her; my heart feels as if it has been ripped open. and my birthday is less than a month away - all I want is peace.

anyway, gnite.

Kyle

He made everyone smile. I said " make a funny face for aunt cherilyn" and he did:

Photos

A few shots I took - an older one of my sister is at the end. I will add more later. (this is not even a quarter of our family.)

Jessica & Tiphanie

My 2 beautiful nieces:






I shot these photos while I was there. (Jessie is too cute - always trying to hide her braces.)

The funeral

on wed evening, I flew into Charleston, S.C.. I was the last one to arrive. the wake was earlier that day. the funeral would be the following day. when I arrived at my sister's house it was packed with people. my mum ran up to me and held me tight. I wanted to cry, but did not. after saying hello to everyone, one of my brothers and I sat up until 4 am talking. I did not venture to far into my sister's house, but to my room upstairs to put my bags down. I woke the next day and talked a bit before getting ready for a family dinner at the church. there were tons of my sister's friends that made a huge southern meal for us. I did not eat much and during this, I had to leave with my sister mary to the restroom. I had tears pouring down my cheek and could no longer hide them. we went back to our table and after a bit, we went outside.

I took a few photos while out there. after a bit, my mum and I went to see my sister. we went into the sanctuary and the entire room was full - even the balconies. it was v quiet. my mum kissed my sister and began to cry. she left with someone to go talk as I stood over my sister. I had not seen her for 2 summers. my mum had said how beautiful she was. no... I did not think so. she looked like a mannequin to me. her hair was swept over to one side to hide some damage and her expression scared me a bit. I guess her daughters picked out a dress, but it was too see-through (she had to have her arms packed since they were v damaged). I caressed her hand and began to cry.

I do not know how long I stood there. I forgot about the people in there - they were so quiet as they sat in their rows.

I chose the wrong shoes and could barely walk. I went and sat on a bench, fixed my shoes and met everyone in the conference room. we talked and then went to see her again. her daughter, Jessica (who saw my sister get hit by the truck) cried as she looked down at her mum. my mum comforted her. we all saw my sister for the last time and took our seats in the front row. it was a bit dark in the sanctuary, but as the violin began, a strand of sunlight came through the stained glass and lit up our family - it was v odd, but warm.

my sister was vice president of the booster club, an active church goer, a 4th grade language/arts teacher, and held huge bonfire parties each year. she was loved by many. her family has dinner prepared for weeks to come by her friends, a million cards and prayers, and a lot of love. I think they will be ok. being surrounded by so many was good for them - I am sure it will hit them this week, though. I wish I could help. Jessica graduates high school this year and my sister should be there.

anyway, after the service, we lined up, and crowds came by to hug us and such. then it was over. the hearse drove her away. her hair would be cut for "locks of love" (she grew it past her waist for just that), she would be prepared for her urn, and come home to her family. we went back to my sister's, where we all talked until 2 am.

the next day we went for a drive, I took photos of family, and I prepared for my flight. as the plane flew away, I cried and blew my sister a kiss. I will always love her and I wish I could have taken her place. I wish I had shown her my poetry. I wish a lot.

since my sister's death, I am the oldest and have to be strong for my family. not so sure I am the right one for that. since my sister's death, I have not spoken to a lot of people, I am losing things, and I cannot get them back to good. I am thinking all over the place and probably acting silly. I dunno.

I think of her and see her in the coffin. I did not want that. I think of her and mourn. I mourn for her husband and 2 daughters... I mourn for my mum. have I mourned for myself? yes and I feel selfish for that. I feel abandoned, alone, surrounded by people, lost, sad, angry, and I feel strong. am I? I do not know.

Forever Autumn

*a mix of my photography and music by the moody blues. in loving memory of my older sister, denise... she died around 12:15 am on october 15th, 2006. I love you, denise.

denise

my older sister died early sunday morning. she was taking her daughter's friends home after some band tournament around 1:15. she saw a pup that had just gotten hit. denise stopped to help it and move it from the road. she tried to hurry before traffic came. I guess she underestimated the speed and a truck hit her from behind. my niece jessica, her friends, and a friend in the passing lane saw the entire thing. she died instantly. she was beautiful. she had long hair and green eyes. she was a 4th grade language/arts teacher who lived (odd to say "lived") in S.C.. she was smart, kind, had 2 beautiful girls, a super sweet husband, and was a good sister. it all seems SO unreal to me. I am sorry denise. I love you so much. I am sorry this happened to you. I would take your place in a second. (I was making an autumn collection of photography. I guess I made use of some of those photos with the video I made.)

Can I Sing You to Sleep? (recital)

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Follow me - a video of some of my work

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♥ Strange magic ♥

Camera/Nikon D50 SLR/No flash/Aperture: f/8.0

Michael

late night ramblings...

this lady comes up to me in the market and asks me if I know how to check peaches to see if they are ripe. I smile and say "sure." as I take the peach, this woman and (I am guessing), her boyfriend begin to act quite odd. then she asks me if I have ever swung. of course, I had no idea what she was talking about. she began to explain. hmm... "swung", no, I have never but what an odd way to find one who "swings", yea? sadly, I gave her back her nasty little peach and continued shopping. I see so many things and I have to wonder how I stay sane.

while at work once, I was walking past the nurse's station to go check on a patient. I glance to my right and see a nurse open a drawer beside her, pull out a sandwhich, take a bite, and put it back. (now, this is a med drawer.) I ignore it and do what I was doing only to go into another patient's room by accident. there, I see a worker from housekeeping... she was spraying air freshener on her underarms. she looks at me, laughs, and sprays her bum and says "ya never know!" I have no idea what my expression was but I do know that I finished my job for the day w/o thinking about it again.

I think of it now, when I finally sit down and relax. I think of all the things that go on in my everyday life that quickly get swept away, because I am much too busy to react. there are so many.

I see that my exboyfriend was bored (I assume, I mean what the heck?) and he went to some website called, netdisaster and played like he was shaving the hair from my blog? and out of all the "fun" things one can choose on that site from vomit, to laser guns, he chose to just shave me. I do not know, but it is v odd. yet, I do in fact, stay sane.

I think people faze me less and less - I just glance at them and go on. (what are ya gonna do?) so tonight I sit and write in my blog and I wonder... perhaps I am surrounded by a few people that know of nothing better. should I help them in the right direction? no, I am a mere mortal. the only thing I can say--it reminds me of this man from my childhood. he used to pass our house barking at cars... if that gives you any idea of what I am thinking.



on a good note... life is treating me v well. I really try not to let anything get to me. I have a busy weekend ahead and feel happy in my heart. I try to surround myself with normal people to balance it all out... ("it" meaning the odd things that I come across). I have to be to work in 4 hrs or so and am so sleepy, so pls excuse any typos. xo p.s. thanks to my sweet friend, michael from LD, for the image of the memo. :) he is so funny.

Nudists Welcome

hmm... seems my family has quite the sense of humor. I wonder what I was thinking.

Autumn

I cannot say enough how much I love autumn. I hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy all the season has to offer. xo

There is a softness in love--in the tint
of it and in the breeze; the heart takes
in this softness and distributes it evenly
throughout the season. In the heart
sincerity can be quiet, a sequence of heart
beats, moments, or lovers stilled by the flush
of the moon. On the perimeter the heart
weighs much more than anyone could have
imagined. But, inside, its warmth and fragility
thunder lightly--just enough to be heard.
And when the chest aches in expectation,
it becomes truth and no amount of comfort
can direct its wants into white silhouettes
just hovering on the sidelines of a perfect
fall. (One must be in the consommé of
things in order to merge well.)
There is a sweetness to vigor,
just as there is a fear of what may become.
Like the surge of the sea when it moves
in and out from shore, its body wet and cool,
wave by wave. It is enough.
And it is sufficient that the hand fits exactly
into the hand of another –-the warmth alone
could leave one ignited between breaths.

9/23/2006 12:16:39 PM

Let's smile together

An odd sense today. One I cannot explain. It is not for anything past or present - just a feeling I have.

I just need some sort of release. I need a vacation, a way to collect thoughts. I am not sad or confused, just so full of imaginings that I need to run to the nearest shore, scream until my lungs are blue into the sea - leaving my smile in the wind like someone else's poetry. Yes, that would do. ;)

Take me to the top

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*the song I was referring to.

Contemplations or something like that

I sit here in slippers and smile. (I, for the life of me cannot figure out why I wear them. I adore going barefoot. I think it is because I stepped on a cat toy the other night that sent me flying into the next room. it was horrible, but funny now, I think.) yes, I am smiling and as my friend matt said, "seemingly solid". I suppose I am in a lot of ways. content is more like it. I feel living inside, vibrant, ready for anything. my eyes feel as if they are glowing. I cannot explain it.

I went to an inservice today on I.V. Therapy. let me just say that inservices are no fun, but if you are in the medical field, you need the hours. sometimes, I go to ones that are a bit boring, like OSHA. but it has to be done and seriously, it is not that bad. esp when you can come home, kick off your shoes, turn on "Stranglehold" and dance around as you try to change clothes.

(there is something exciting, almost sexual to the music that Ted Nugent plays there.)

I adore music - it takes one to the ultimate place. I enjoy all sorts of music - for instance, "Take me to the top" is extremely sexy. Loverboy sings that. (I heard the lead singer passed on a few years ago in a drowning. v sad indeed.) I like a few of their songs, but that one is my favorite.

so, I come home those two songs play one after the other and I am in an odd, but v delightful mood. not to mention my email today from a respected writer. (was better than neruda.)

my thoughts are scattered today - so much going on, that I am waiting on, hoping on, and such. I think I will write a bit, then reply to my email. but first, turn up "Take me to the top" on my Live Digital and dance. why not?

"Just give me your hand, hold it out, close your eyes, move up close to me... "

Darren Hayes

"beautiful" - darren hayes




* a favorite song - love the way he sings it toward the close. I know a lot of beautiful people... esp as of late. and they should know/feel that they are beautiful. it is nice to be near the lot, nice to feel the beauty within words and such. ok - need to get some work done! ciao

One of my first shots ever

I added the words "in gridlock" for a forum that I made a while back. I will have to hunt down that set on CD for the originals. I wish I knew then what I know now about photography - would have been a better set.

*on a side note - seems everything I do online, I have my live digital profile page playing in the background. it makes everything I do seem easier. I do not know if that makes sense. I guess music just sets the mood, yea?

I am listening to "strange magic" right now (darren hayes) - is a remake of an older song and v "mood setting", so to speak. the wonderful song that plays after that is by gigi d' agostino. I want that playing during my rooftop adventure. "don't be surprised..."

In B&W

A survey of sorts

Name 3 sexy songs.
crash - dave mathews, la passion - gigi d'agostino, erotica - madonna

What did you eat for breakfast?
honestly? 1 fig newton (in which I dislike) and a half glass of pepsi (in which I dislike) so I do not know why I chose those.

What are you most passionate about?
the sea, I think. it has to be the biggest turn on for me. it can leave you breathless one minute and take your last breath the next.

Name 1 song that is a turnoff.
love shack - b52s

Name a favorite line from a song.
“you have my heart, so don’t hurt me” – the cranberries

Name a crazy job.
my uncle louie is and has been the head guy at san quentin (in the death row area). crazy.

Name 3 writing influences.
neruda is a big influence - his work is sensual and I love the story behind his love poems. If he were alive, I might have written him love letters, charmed him into my slave, captured him, and made him write poetry all over the walls. ;)

gary sullivan - similar to neruda, but in letter form w/nada (another fabulous writer). I also like his format, other poetry, and humor. I have tried his format, but I am still 'young' at it and need to work harder, or have more patience. gary is quickly becoming a friend in which I have the highest admiration for. (Not sure as to say 'friend', 'associate', or another term - so I will just say 'friend', because that is how I see him.) I wish I could say that about neruda. don't we all? both great writers nonetheless.

gustaf sobin would be the 3rd - he is similar to the other 2 - his format and passion for what he believed in drew me into his work immediately. I love his format and his uniqueness. When I first came across him, I googled everything I could and read until 4 in the morning. such a great writer. all three are beautiful in different ways.

although they are influences, I have so much more to learn in order to get anywhere with my own work. gosh... I hate to leave anyone out... I truly value all my favorite poets and friends.

What path did you take to your current career?
my first job was as a lifeguard. I loved helping others. most of my family is in medicine. so, I wanted to become a child psychologist, studied a bit and went into electronics instead. after I learned color codes etc, I felt bored and went into emergency medicine completely.

Why don't women like nice guys? they do not? I do. I like a smart man, a nice man, and sometimes a man that can be naughty. I like a variety actually - from a guy with a tattoo, to a guy that goes to confession (or both). I have not had a lot of dating experiences –
4 long term relationships and a 6 or 7 month one. what do I know?

What did you do today?
well the day is not over, but I had a half day at work, wrote a bit, and did a bit of kickboxing (I am trying to strengthen my heart).

What is your opinion on today's children?
hmm... I suppose they are different from the way I was as far as video games and whatnot. I was never home. I built forts, played hide and go seek, and explored. Plus some are violent (I am not really into guns). I feel sorry for the ones near the war---seems they have lost their childhood.

Were you shy in High School?
not really. I hated to be home for reasons that I will keep to myself, so I threw myself into track, cheer, student council, yearbook, and the sort. I loved to run the most. I was shy to a point of not dating until I was much older.

Do you like comics or humor?
Yes, v much. I like all sorts of comics. As far as humor – I think it is important for me as far as a partner is concerned.

Who was your first love?
wow, I suppose it was my first b/f. he was/is a dj for a radio station. the entire idea of dating such a well known, pulled me in (I thought I was cool - although it took me forever to even agree to a first date). I later found him to be arrogant. perhaps he was not "my first love". I do not think I have met my first love yet. I do not know, love is hard to understand.

Are you wild or are you tame?
hard question. I am pretty reserved. my passion comes out in my poetry, I suppose. I like the idea of being wild. wild as in how? hmm...

What was the dumbest thing you have done?
believed silly little love lies.

Will you/have you find your prince charming or princess?
I do not believe in fairy tales anymore.

Name 3 favorite cities.
easy - san francisco, NY, and Milan

Name 3 fantasies.
love on a rooftop in manhattan. I only have one.

Have you played out your fantasies?
No

What are you wearing?
A pair of jeans, a cream-colored turtle neck, and slippers.
(not too sexy)

Did you vote for Bush?
I had to work, so no.

What was a favorite childhood book?
the mouse and the motorcycle

Name a sexy fruit.
strawberry

Have you ever had fried bologna sandwich
or deep fried potato sandwich with butter?
no and they sound disgusting. haha

Name a sexy T.V. star.
well he is fiction, but tony soprano. I love a man in charge. ;)

Name a musical influence.
gigi d' agostino - he is an Italin dj from Milan. he is not really an influence, since I only play piano and keyboards and have not tried to play his work. shrug.

What turns you off?
being told that I am beautiful excessively, braggers, liver, mean people

What turns you on?
coconut/lime spray from bed, bath & body, smart men, a sexy laugh, the sea

Who would you like to meet?
as long as they are not a jerry springer candidate - I do not care.

What'll come out of these questions?
an ending? I do not know - perhaps I will be reminded that I have too much time on my hands right now. ;)

What will you do after you've answered these?
hmmm... check my email, run an errand, listen to songs on a web site of mine, and perhaps work on photos. I am not sure.

Last question.....where were you born and do you still live there?
I was born in northern, Ca. I lived in Bodega Bay, Sonoma etc as a child. no, I am not there at the moment.

An Early Autumn

I shot this at a small park. I cannot tell you enough how excited Autumn makes me. let's go frolic. we can buy cappuccinos, you can read Neruda aloud, and I can dance barefoot in the leaves. (whomever "you" may be.) what a fabulous time of year, yea? let's not forget the groovy costumes in October and all sorts of delicious chocolate.

Can I sing you to sleep?

I focus deeply to timbre, claw
my way back through the pages,
long after lexis had faded.
Because you are a watercourse along
the horizon and I shiver amid your docks,
name and breadth, a slow motion tide.
Because my collar bone slips to sand,
when the chest is flat of your humming.
And I do not think you unworthy.
And I cannot sleep, although my lids
are slipping.
I await another round for consideration,
because something happened: an instant
correlation, a red to green, or perhaps,
an unexpected stoplight in the mist,
where tête-à-tête amplifies, and trend
is a poem or voice that lingers on the frame.
I have imagined your mouth; a sole clench
of the thigh, the bitten lip, a blend of
photographs in the mind, side-by-side
on a mattress of reddening leaves, where
we lean into the lens to form one throat.

An Autumn Arrival

Nikon D50 SLR

Good God

Heaven knows, I have to laugh at myself right now. I am such a dork (insert being a dork for saying "dork" as well). You know (or not), sometimes I think I can be smooth, well sort of smooth as far as people are concerned. But there are these other times that no matter what you say or want to say, you come out looking like a 16 yr old girl in front of Keanu Reeves - so flustered that you cannot say a dang thing right! Haha, that is me.

Although it is strangely exciting, I need to run to the nearest phone booth and not, change into some red suit, but drink down whatever it was that Alice had. I just hope it lengthens the time I have to be much cooler and not my legs. ;) Anyway, yea, I am seriously a fraidycat when it comes to writing/talking to certain people.

In other news, I will be interviewd on a podcast (details coming soon), I am taking another trip to NY soon, and I went shooting this weekend. During my trip to go shooting, it rained on and off. (I simply love the scent of rain.) I had to lie on pine needles to get some of the shots, bit it was ok - I took some of waterfalls, plants, and the sort. But it began to rain again as I sat up to change lenses. I had to pack up to leave, but wanted to sit there for hours with the rain coming through the trees. The forest was a bit dark before the storm, the sounds of the waterfall seemed to echo it perfectly.

I wish I could have brought back a photo of it all, but one could never capture something like that... you just have to be there. I came back to my flat with 20 or so photos, but just being there was worth each second. I would have stayed longer, but the walk back to the car was quite a distance, and I could not risk my camera equipment being ruined.

Ok, let me resize a photo from this past weekend, so you can imagine being there with me. It is such a beautiful place. ciao.

California

some of my photos along with music by darren hayes.




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ARTICLE OF FAITH

. . . would travel forever
towards those buried mirrors, what the future
so
consummately withholds. 'memories,' you'd
called them: the

grey gaze in its diadem of
dark lashes
a-

lighting, at last, in the remote ovals of the
eventual. does it glow? then
glean. ripple? then
ride the

least quivering signal clear to its
deepest
ob-
fuscated source. for only the
image -- 'icon,' you'd called it -- withstands the
un-

remitting dispersion of the
heart's
most adamant particles. move, then, amongst
shadows. in the
pale grammar of the grasses, read the
re-

constituted facets of the otherwise
ob-
literated face. nothing
ends.

* Gustaf Sobin - 1935 – 2005

Gary Sullivan

First, what an amazing writer. Gary and Nada's "Swoon" (which I love jealously) is sensual, aching, powerful - the letters pull you in until you can no longer breathe. In fact, it inspired me to write with a fellow poet. (We have quite a few letters so far.) Perhaps, I will post one or two. Anyway, Gary just read my blog from start to finish (poor guy) - all I can say is that it made my day. He and Nada are two of my favorite writers.

I do not know if I should pull down all my bad writing and replace it with something else. I suppose it is a bit late for that. I suppose I should stop writing in here and reply to his letter, yea? I never thought I would feel this way about a favorite writer reading my work - it is strangely exciting.

For some reason I feel calm now (since I have been thinking of what to write), like "yea" with a nod of the head and a smile. I was also thinking, it is time to dump the overly sad poetry as of late and pump it up a bit with some Italian passion. I am ready to get back to my regular self/regular poetry.

If you get a chance, pls check out my fav author's list in my profile - I am sure you will find some excellent work that goes along with those names.


*on another note - look to the left and go check out Craig Ferroggiaro's photography... it is like having a cappuccino, an ocean view, and good conversation all at once. ciao.

Crash

"sweet like candy to my soul - sweet you rock and sweet you roll..." dmb

You are what you love, and not what loves you back

All day I thought I was lonely, was wearing it like a weapon, but I realise that
I was just alone. This is the great distinction of my life, the thing that has had me reaching for door-frames as if the world was falling in on only me. This is what has ruined me.

I do not know how to reconcile these sides of me. I feel a dull sense of duty to the secrets I've pressed into people's open palms, ignoring the fact that they are fractions of me, not them. I want to tell all but I have less and less to say. I am writing a notebook's worth of small character sketches, but the book keeps getting smaller because I rip the pages out every other day and promise to start again.
I want to achieve something, prove to myself that I'm better than a drawer full of balled-up notes and mistreated notebooks. I will finish.
I will finish and fix it all.

things I am forgetting:

- how to talk to you
(I tried my hand at equations, explaining myself through maths, but I got stuck between the cosine and 'both sides must be equal'. I have tasted biology on the tip of your tongue and picked your physics out from between my teeth - chemistry was
why I left and how you stayed, a hairbrush and some gum and a messy bed.

My last hope is dear sweet Desdemona, constant Penelope, two ladies with water in their hair and one who threw herself from the battlements. My last hope is blank verse and comfortable iambic pentameter. My last hope is sibilance and the weight
of punctuation.)

- why I cared, and how, and how much
(nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing feels safe. nothing)

- why I wrote anything, ever
(that's it, that's all. I am no good)

- promises and bathroom floors
(you were smoking me, weren't you? between your yellow fingers. you just inhaled
and exhaled without saying a word)

-[I have always read 'angels' as 'angles' and I think this explains more than anything else could]


* I am not sure who wrote this, ( I hope I did not mess it up too much) but I thought it wonderful. here is the link:
click me

Laughter

I do not know why I titled this "laughter".

nikon d50 slr hand held/windy/focal length: 38.0mm (35mm equivalent: 57mm)/ exposure time: 0.0031 s (1/320)/ aperture: f/8.0 /whitebalance: auto/ metering: matrix.

* on another note - autumn is here! :)

A Softness in the Ear

(after a phone conversation)

There are too many hours before dusk,
where one can become mislaid along
the hidden curves of the throat:
a burst
of laughter,
of white space,
of delicate, corporeal vocals;
a counting of the harvest in cultural

rearing. The voice is a lover: a span of
the sensual sun, a nervousness that lies
low in the season, waiting or begging
for release. And the flutter of chest
becomes wet, a way to taste the tongue,
or perhaps a lead that one must pursue

solely. I say this before the rain in hopes
of encore or breadth -
I don’t know why I like it. I just do.

O, if I were an atlas –
a diagram that reveals warm breath on flesh,
I would gather the hum that cascades nicely
from the sweetened lip, sweep it to elite waters,
and drown in what could never be mine.

*just a first draft. :)

What friends are for

been a bit busy being in the hospital, but I have been home since yesterday. it was a v trying time. I did receive a wonderful warmth here:

click me

some really great friends. I am appreciate that. the way the members came together like that shows you what true friends are. I will not forget that. anyway, I am ok for the time being. I am dealing with some other things that are so unbelievable, though. and although my heart is weak at the moment, I will not let anyone or anything crush it completely. eh.

*a special thanks to all who called me today... I am still smiling. is odd, on the phone today I noticed that a friend sounds just like one of my best friends. even his laughter. that made me smile. here is a photo of him: (I could of fixed up the photo and removed the spot, but am so sleepy)



he graduated med school ahead of me and is in foot/ankle reconstruction. we had a long talk the other night (and I am so bad about staying in contact) and we sorted through our lives and what we had hoped a long time ago would happen - we planned road trips and such, but we both had gotten much too busy. I miss him. I suppose I will call him tomorrow. no - I will and I will be a better friend.

well, it is late and I am tired. sweet dreams to my fellow poets, photographers, and the like. xo