JoJo

My beautiful friend,... one of my best friends. I add her image, because I was just thinking, "where would I be without her?" and I wanted her close to me as I do a few things right now.

I guess I just miss her tonight. we have both been so busy these past couple days. I think besides, dawn, victor, matt, and a few more, she knows me more than most. we share so much of our lives with each other. her advice has gotten me out of a few jams in these last few years, as my advice has her. we are so much alike, and the jams we get in are (almost) funny at times! ;)

she calls me her sister, but deep down, I know she is my angel. we have so many plans,.. in a month or so, we are going to NYC to shoot some images. it will be a blast, I assure you. I will post some to share.

anyway, I just miss her. :) oh, and if she were here, I would say, "let's get some shoes!" ;)

Perfection of the imperfection

"That name matched completely with what I think. I am not perfect at all, as I don't think perfection exists in this world. There can be good things, or adequate or inadequate. But not perfect, as it is impossible to cover all situations, or to not to have things we need to learn


As I am not perfect, I cannot ask anyone else for perfection.
So, here comes that I accept imperfections.


And then comes love:




It is beautiful to love others "perfections", or nice things. But that's not all. There are these imperfections. Love really comes, when even these imperfections are loved. We all have parts in our personalities, that we don't like so much. That we might like to improve. Quite probably, these are our imperfections. There's nothing more beautiful than the help of another to overcome them with Love.

Lots of love.

And it is here, in this effort for love, where perfection comes, as there is really one perfect thing: love... perfection of the imperfection. Thanks to our imperfections, we fight more for love, finding it really deep. And finding the meaning of 'forever'."


My wish is, that everyone has someone like them close at heart, it can only enhance life's pathways. :)

misc

I find it funny that the first comment I received about the first song on my play list was, "Haha, that song does not fit your profile; it is like being at an all white-dressed party, and someone walks in with hot pink! And then the song changes to something sweet! People are going to shake their heads wondering if that actually happened, and they'll have that song in their heads at 3am! Haha!"

I love it. I think I will leave the song up for a few days! Since I do not curse, I obviously laugh when someone else is bold enough to do so.

(well, I laugh, sometimes) ;)

Ciao

p.s. "those shoes are mine...." ;)

A full-mouthed brava

I.
Oh, tesoro,
I madden when we cannot speak— 
the soft,
warm
landscape of your eyes
                        (forgive me)
        could split         fields
        like
        zephyr in spring.

        They rise
                and        
                        fall in
season,
or when one feels
words
like push or pull, or the slip of
a
        hand beneath the moon—

forget the feel of rain,
of
silence, the Italian of my mouth.
                
        It has come down to here
and now,
        the wick of my voice
cooling,
calling
in the distant breeze.

        You are the soft of fruit, 
liquid,  pinned
along the horizon, where no one 
is listening,
a mixture
                of photographs 
in the mind.

And I will drink while women stir, 
whisper on the wire,
        wide eyed fixed on words, 
written for me.


II.
I want you to hear my poetry, 
to pause,
to toss photographs in the fire—
        I         am         
not         her!
        I do not  buy French sleepers
                to weep in.

        I am but a girl—sweet breath, 
delicate, 
flawed.
And I will cr                awl amongst 
the rose
in which you
                plant with perfect form, 
lie still
                        in absolute 
anticipation,
and await with no harbored blush.

Italian/Scorpio

from dawn. I absolutely love it!

some info about me? perhaps. being an Italian and a Scorpio, seems I am a romantic sort. who would have guessed? ;)



Scorpio is symbolized by the Scorpion. Intense and emotionally perceptive, you pick up on unspoken words and speak the language of gesture. Deep, mysterious and magnetically attractive, you yearn for emotional intimacy. If hurt, you really sting -- and you don't forgive easily!

The Scorpion is as clever in love as in life: Much of what's going on is a tactical game, one they are more than likely to win. Scorpios can be very sexy when in love, and that says a lot about members of this already sexy sign. When in love, the Scorpion can be intensely passionate, a rush of fluid feelings in keeping with this Water-born sign. Often, though, there is a push-pull in the dance of love, thanks to the Scorpion's many motivations. A lover who is willing to discover what's really beneath the surface will serve both the Scorpion and themselves very well.

There's a hard-to-pin-down, magnetic quality which surrounds the Scorpion, an aura which says "try me, if you dare!" That's just what Scorpions want, someone fearless, who is willing to help create the ultimate romance, one which will take them to greater heights than ever before. When this works, the Scorpion's passions are unleashed with hurricane force. If, however, the romance zigs, zags and bouts of jealousy may be the unwelcome result. Ruling planets Mars and Pluto might prompt Scorpio to think that romance is a clash of wills, but a clever lover is the one who can bring this warrior to see that a pincer movement to the heart is the sweetest of all.

The Sex God of the Zodiac has quite a lot to live up to! The Scorpion does just that, thank you very much. The sexual prowess and drive of those born under this sign is legendary. Scorpions smolder with every come-hither look, alluring wink of an eye and mysterious stare. If you want to ride a tiger to an emotional and sexual crescendo, jump on the curvy back of the sleek Scorpion. The Scorpio lover has an almost hypernatural libido, and loves giving sensual pleasure, although receiving it is nice, too. Variety as the spice of life is the golden rule here, and Scorpio loves to choreograph the scene for maximum mutual satisfaction. Any lover stepping into this lair best be ready, since keeping up is a must. Scorpions adore a lover who can go on forever, the perfect gift for this truly sexual being. If that lover brings some toys along, things will be tied up oh-so-neatly. Ooh.



Ruling the House of Sex can either be a blessing or a curse, and a lot depends on how the wily Scorpion deals with this erotic burden. Those mystical and magical creatures born under the sign of Scorpio are quick to channel their raw energy, power and strength into an exploration of their lover's emotions and sexuality. The Scorpion is intuitive and wants to get to the bottom of things, so there's no keeping secrets from this sexy Sign (although they'll surely keep a few of their own). An alluring resourcefulness and self-confidence is also evident in Scorpios, these folks being keenly attuned to what's best for them and how to get it. Anyone willing to take on the Scorpion will be engaging a cosmic power with plentiful sexual urges. The good news? A caring and devoted lover awaits. On the flip side, don't cross them, because those stingers can leave a heck of a welt.

A challenge is something that makes the Scorpion swoon: The prospect of someone who can test them and who can make the game fast and fun is almost irresistible. Scorpio, of course, wants nothing but the best, so winners only need apply. Scorpions are also eager to find a strong, understanding and perceptive partner, someone who embraces the many facets of this volcanic lover. What else? Someone who won't judge them, who possesses raw personal power themselves, who keeps the game interesting, who has a red-hot sex drive and who knows how to talk when it's important to the relationship. Not much to ask, eh?


The Scorpio lover is determined, forceful, has great passion and strength and finishes what they start. This is a powerful and sexual being who isn't for the faint-hearted. Those with guts are bound for glory!

A Letter While I Am Away

It is late. My hands are fireflies—
they suffuse and ignite your Autumn
to rain.

This spilling, made fresh by the ache
of my mouth— a bounty to serve
your skin another season.

Softness gathers at your hip, blesses
the dead trees that will come with
a late winter.

The song is not sorrowful.

I write in hopes that distance slips
from your palm. I note white-covered
crags that hang from your sea:

wool-coated offspring that plow along
the shore—a starfish or two, quiescent
in the tide.

Does this intention unfasten the heat
from your horizon?

Come, carry me to you—I want to cool
your breath with the wetness of
mine.

I do not wish to be here any longer.
This conurbation is a breast of lonely
cognoscenti and violinists that drift

until dawn—they gather solitude, spread
it thick like the clouds when you
are not near.

I need you—I stand in these drift tunnels
unable to move. I tug at the edge of my
heart in hopes of reprieve.

A Softness in the Ear

There are too many hours before dusk,
where one can become mislaid along
the hidden curves of the throat:
a burst
of laughter,
of white space,
of delicate, corporeal vocals;
a counting of the harvest in cultural

rearing. The voice is a lover: a span of
the sensual sun, a nervousness that lies
low in the season, waiting or begging
for release. And the flutter of chest
becomes wet--a way to taste the tongue,
or perhaps, a lead that one must pursue

solely. I say this before the rain, in hopes
of encore or breadth--

I don't know why I like it. I just do.

O, if I were an atlas--
a diagram that reveals warm breath on skin,
I would gather the hum that cascades nicely
from the sweetened lip, sweep it to elite waters,
and drown in what could never be mine.


* a smile...



I hope everyone is enjoying the week! :) Sending a big hug to See-saw! :)

Between Sand and Stone

(for my sister)



Between Sand and Stone

(For my older sister who was killed in Autumn)

The water is blue.
It moves in and out-- white foam
and screaming seagulls. Oh, the sudden
of it! It is 3 o‘clock in the morning and already
I have witnessed an early frost on dark glasses
that wedge themselves into the sand.

Already, I have felt the silence of your arrival.

Softness settles on the threads of your dressing
gown as you smooth a place to sit along the shore.
Cold, your mouth hangs like a sullen moon.

I want to pull you into my chest to warm you,
but I cannot move; my flesh has become
the ache of the season-- locked inside, where
my heart seems to be insufficient in its churn.

I need to let you know that your darkness frames
the sea, the gulls, the small boat that I have abandoned.
I have stood outside your imaginary church, never
entering.

I have sat in minutes rooms, pierced the white
with filtered thoughts, but still I see your passing.
It has been only minutes, and already I have swept
your tears beneath my coat, never noticing how
you remain translucent--a vague apparition.

I want you to know that I am here, driving
the snowflowers from your stone. I have plowed
the dark with inept hands.

Is there no other way?

(The waves pick up pace, siding with the sea,
they stitch our eyes to the horizon, where we
are held by blinding salts and circumstance.)

If for a moment, we hold hands...perhaps
together we can burn.
Perhaps we can warm the grays from your
gown--the dirty browns , where soil has leaked
itself, turning your bed into a garden.

(I place my hands in my pockets, walk toward
you. It begins to rain.

Somewhere out of the dim,
stars surface and scatter.

Leaning into the wind,
my body severs. Heading for common waters,
I begin to slip to sand beside you.)

I need to let you know that these waters inhale
your graces, your beauty through absence.
The heat of it brings me to my knees.

You did this.

My arms stretch for yours, a thousand silvered
ghosts slip into your dark.
A thousand black balloons rise into the air.

I cannot fly out of the madness.
Take these broken wings like distant weather,
bury them in the sand, bend pacific coast
highways--lead me to you.

Because although I can see you, sense your
grief on the periphery, I cannot do this by myself.
This is, but a dream.

These eyes unfasten from the horizon, mist over
useless in this relationship interrupted.
You think you can keep on going? You think you can
sit there like a seashell, and saturate the backdrop
into your dull veins?

Would you have uttered the future into my hands
if I were Heaven’s companion?

Hours have passed, Denise.
I am clinging to tomorrow.
Untie your tongue, my sweet sister.
Give me a reason to breathe again.

wish you were here

(I need a better image to scan, but most is in storage boxes somewhere. I will look soon.)

on october 13th, it will be one year since my sister was killed. what have I done? I have done nothing noteworthy. I think my entire life changed that day. seems I am just not the same. I think that is the day that I shut so many out. and I know a lot of you are shaking your heads in agreement. and I have been closing doors behind me ever since. I am okay, I am. sometimes I just need to write things out. and I look back knowing I need to turn around and at least leave the door ajar. but with a sad heart, I turn and move faster.

I have this new folder in my in box. it is called "misc II". I put letters there that I cannot read out of guilt. letters that need replies, text messages, and cards. I have a very close pal named, "". he and I have been like best friends forever. he wrote me the other day and I placed it in that folder. I just now read it. I will share, because he will not mind.

Cher Cher,

Of course, you too. I think of you often. There's a story I haven't written, called "The Attic Hun", that I should write sometime, whose protagonist is inspired by you, just three characters, but one isn't solid enough to write with just yet.

I've been nothing lately, but I've started working out again. That's about the only news here. Oh, my parents got a pig, over 200 pounds.

There's something in you--where there's a softness I'm very sympathetic to, a pain even--but you handle it with love, act beautifully. It's always been something of a model to me--because I can hurt so much, to not let it take over, not close my eyes. You're maybe the only woman I've really "let in" where pain wasn't the thing that coalesced the relationship (friendship)--not because pain wasn't there but because you deal with everything so humanly--talking to you has always been relaxing to me because of that, because even pain can be a mask.

glad you said you were doing well & hope you still are

miss you tons


""

I have not replied. we used to talk about so much. it is great to have a male friend that I can tell anything to with it being totally on a friendship basis. (not sure I typed that right, but you understand.) anyway, I am sure he would not like being in that folder. and being there does not mean I do not care (I love him as a friend very much),... it means that I do not know when or how to respond--just something I am going through.

some people close in my life(I will add more when I do the images):

















for fun (two angels):



and me:



*not all the images are perfect, but each and every one of those people are in my eyes.

random thought: I wish I could hug stefan right now.

I like doing random thoughts. I like saying them to those involved (when they are kind). ha!

here is the thing, I am not sad. I am not angry. I am just so contemplative lately. I think if I can write out my thoughts, I can look them over and try to understand what I need or want,... what I am going through. does that make sense? I always want or need to fix things. and at work I have come to realize that I cannot always fix everything,... that God takes who he takes. (for those who do not believe--people come and go, we cannot always be in control of such things.)

I have this friend, victor. (I have to mention this.) I am amazed at how gentle some can be. this person is in a tie with dawn--they must be the purest people on earth. I mention this, because I hope to be like them someday. not that I plan my life into being others, but to learn from them, and become an even better person. I do not think they have a cruel bone in their bodies. I absolutely adore having people like that around me.

anyway, I wanted to add this image of me. one of my best friends, Jo edited it for me, then I added the tonal adjustments. I think I look alright, just not smiling. I had this image taken for the bio part of a book.



enjoy your week. xo

Life is a Gift

"We must always try to think things through, from every possible perspective. We owe it to ourselves to use our intelligence and to acquire all relevant information. We must remember, though, that the purpose of a future is to surprise us. If existence didn't retain, under all circumstances, its capacity to do that, what would be the point of it? You can't, now, see quite how to climb a particular mountain or move a certain obstacle. Just because you can't yet see it, doesn't mean you won't see it soon. You haven't got a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity."

One thing that I try my best to do. I believe we can be and do anything if we put our minds to it. Almost every situation we are in, we most likely put ourselves there. So, who will get us out? That is something we must find the strength to do ourselves. If you really want something, it takes work. If it came easily, it probably is not as appreciated.

Even love, no matter what sort of relationship--it takes a lot to keep it strong and healthy. And it is not a burden or task, but something that comes to us naturally, like the rain. It is quite pleasing to have a heart full of love and laughter, yes? :)



I hope everyone knows how to be themselves, work hard, and sit back to enjoy where that takes them. It is a reward like no other.



I hope you enjoyed your weekend. :)

superluminal

so many thoughts passing through--sometimes so quickly, I feel as if my knees might shatter. in an odd sorts today... elusive, contemplative, a rushing from vine to forest floor, if you will.

have you ever felt as if you were not so in control of things? or perhaps think you are in control? I say that and mean, the flood of passion that actually pulls goosebumps from flesh. and it is not as much about control as it is resistance. I have no idea where it came from, but I have a strong resistance to many things. if I feel a closeness or the calm before a storm, I can quickly pull myself away before the debris begins to scatter. I can turn my head as if it never happened. I suppose I have some to thank for that--the few that have taught me about love and war. they may never know how they changed my course from summer to rain.

and I do not feel harsh or cold, but numb at times. and I do not hold regrets like a sadness in the palm... I hold nothing but my head. I keep it from lowering in what seems to be an oncoming wave of emotion. and sometimes I sabotage things unknowingly, just to feel grounded again--safe from what felt like flying. I do not do this on purpose, but I have seen it in action. I do this out of fear, I think. I feel more concrete when I am in control of as much as possible in my life. don't we all?

sometimes, and only sometimes, I get close--just enough to feel the flicker of an eyelash, only to turn away for a second and it is gone. I thought I was holding on tightly, but I lost it or it flew away without warning. now I stretch my arm out past my shoulder... the length? that is easy... just enough distance from ache. I will not allow myself to feel anything, but happiness now. I do not think I will ever allow anyone to get in so close again, that they may sever the only thread that holds my heart in place. I could be wrong.

"I'm wired to the world" -- goldfrapp.

seems the only people I keep near, are the ones that I know are the lifeline. the dozen or so close friends I could never do without. no matter how many days pass or what sort of moody mix I am in, my love for them remains the same, if not stronger. funny, I will send them notes out of the blue, just to tell them I care. even if it is a "Hope you are enjoying your day"... I do not ever want them to forget how I love them. and I try to treat everyone a kind as I possible can, no matter who they are. (I thank my mum for teaching me that, as other things, when I was a child.)

I feel good knowing that part of my heart is passionate and surrenders to what I call, "a constant wave of candied kisses".

random thought...

(Setting--Krusty Krab)

ring, ring..."Is this Krusty Krab?" "No, this is Patrick." (hangs up phone) ring, ring... "Is this Krusty Krab?" "No, this is Patrick." (hangs up phone) ring, ring... "Is this Krusty Krab?" "NO THIS IS PATRICK!!!" (hangs up phone and says to himself, "I'm not a crusty crab.")

so silly, but for some reason, it completely cracks me up. I even run to the t.v. if I hear that episode is on. (I think it is Patrick's voice that makes the whole scene that much funnier.) :)

on another note... some of the images that came up on my innocent search for "Patrick from Spongebob" -- were indeed, disturbing. ;) and I am not sure if this is cute or just plain creepy:



that is all I have to say today. ;)

My Photography

Just a fun way to display some of my work. xo

and thanks to jen for sending me the cute kitten. :)

A Couple Messages from George Bush

yes, I almost died watching these... too funny!


View this on LiveDigital


View this on LiveDigital

Emerging Magazine

A very good friend of mine, Stefan is Editor in Chief of Emerging Magazine. The magazine is brilliantly presented in the most professional and fun manner possible. There is so much going on there, that I have a hard time keeping up!

I have seen wonderful interviews, beautiful and talented models, and so much more. Let me let Stefan speak...

"I make things happen! From concert events to parties beyond your wildest dreams! Want or need exposure, promotion or just have a night to remember? I can help make those things happen! EmergingMagazine.Com is all about gaining you exposure in the global arena! We produce small to large scale events, from concerts to fashion shows and anything you can dream of! We proffer something for every budget! Want a celeb or magazine model at your event? You think of it we can put it together and provide a worry free event that will dazzle even the most jaded clientele!"

Myspace



"Enjoy our Magazine Online. Want more exposure! Have an Event Coming Up? Post it with us. Want to Post your Blog? Listen to Music or Read Articles? Is Fashion or Models your Passion? Visit our Model Directory.

Are you an Artist? Need more exposure? Check our Art link online

Enjoy a sample of our magazine here at Live Digital!

Want to have the party of the century? Want models or actors/actresses at your party? You name it, we will make it happen.

Whatever your fantasy, we can make your wildest dreams become reality!"

So go have a peek, I highly recommend it. Stefan is one of the warmest, most intelligent, kindest people I have ever known. I wish the magazine nothing, but the best. xo

Tastes Of San Francisco

So many choices...


If you want delicious sour dough, you may have it filled with chili, or clam chowder. one of my favorite places to eat on the wharf is Boudin Bakery.








They have an online store where you can order from anywhere, and have it shipped to your door. I highly recommend the Bistro --you have not only fabulous food, but an indescribable view of the bay.



Then there is my all time favorite (I have mentioned this here before).

The Foreign Cinema



"Open since 1999, Foreign Cinema restaurant has garnered local, national and international acclaim as a quintessentially San Francisco dining experience. We offer a daily changing California/Mediterranean-inspired menu in an industrial chic setting located in the heart of the bustling Mission district. Dinner is served nightly as well as weekend brunch both Saturday and Sunday. Foreign and independent films are screened in our covered outdoor courtyard. Seating is available indoors fireside as well as upstairs in our semi-private mezzanine overlooking the dining room. Guests may enjoy cocktails and our complete menu from the main bar or on the patio outside. Modernism West, an art gallery in collaboration with Martin Mueller and Modernism Inc, is open to the public most nights and is an ideal space for private dining. After dinner drinks with rotating DJ's completes the evening in our adjacent bar, Laszlo."

I highly recommend the "August Antipasto" ;)





I am getting hungry and sleepy now. I am going to sleep first. ;)

Questionnaire

Answer to the best of your knowledge!





1. Name 4 pet peeves.

1. impatience
2. when people do not put a space after a period. (I have no idea why that bothers me.) example: Susie plays house with Billy.Billy...
3. a woman with a trucker's mouth, chews gum with her mouth open, or one who spits ::shudders::
4. a woman who cannot seem to find anything else to wear, but a skimpy skirt - even in a blizzard. I (ALMOST) want to take her shopping. ;)
5. brats. oh, wait... no.

3 Sexy songs...?

1. Into your eyes - angel one
2. Crash into me - DMB
3. Anything Italian

4. Name a favorite food.
A salad w/ boneless chicken

5. Do you dance?
Yes. I actually won a dance contest at a club once. Do you? ;)

6. Have any favorite places?
The ocean, the ocean, and the ocean. :)


7. Have you ever saved a life?
Yes -- it is my career

8. If so, when?

One that stands out is when an 18 yr old boy crashed his motorcycle in 2000. I passed the accident scene and turned around. A small crowd was gathering, but for some reason, not doing much. I (I know it is a bit gross) pulled of my socks to apply pressure to a wound in his abdomen, sat behind him, and gently pulled him to my chest. He kept trying to get up, so I whispered to him and told him how loved he was by his family. (I did not know what else to say.)

He passed away a few minutes later. I did not actually save his life, but I hope I made his last few minutes a bit easier.

9. What's some of things you notice right off in the opposite sex?
intelligence, a sense of humor, confidence

10. Do you own a pool?
I have in the past.


11. Name The last 5 places you've traveled.
Over seas or in the US? Italy, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, and N.Y.. also, a few places to shoot photography; Point Reyes, N.J, Bodega Bay....

12. Most overused internet jargon?
LOL, LMAO - - never have used them

13. Do you have a favorite quote?
A few, esp. this one... Tutto è permesso in guerra ed in amore!

14. Ever been in an accident?
Yes, once--involved my best friend, her boyfriend's bmw, and a tree.


15. What is the perfect date?
A walk along the beach

16. If you could hang out with a famous person, who'd it be?
Pablo Neruda

17. Ever hurt someone?
Is this a trick question? Hurt how? I broke a guy's wrist once kick boxing.

18. Are you promiscuous?
I do not think so

19. Where's your dream destination?
Well, Italy (went in 2002) would be one, but I adore Carmel, California


20. If you could change careers, would you?
I always wanted to be an oceanographer. I have put too much into the medical field to change now.

21. When was the last time you made out?
Made out with what? Cash? Haha! Okay, it has been some time.

22. Have you ever dated more than one person at a time?
No. Should I add that to my personal goals?

23. Do you believe in love?
Sometimes

24. Have a wish list?
No, I think they are tacky to put up in public (unless it is related to a wedding.)

25. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?
Huh?

26. Are you passionate?
Yes - it drives me mad at times.

27. What makes you happy?
A fog horn in the distance, the sea, a lot of things.

28. What do you drive?
A Sonata, but have been told recently, I am going to be taught about cars, and what is cool and what is not. (Apparently, a Sonata is nerdy.) ;)

29. Any hobbies?
Sure. You?

30. Have you ever stolen anything?
Besides hearts? (I kid!) Not that I recall. Should I have?

31. Favorite fast food joint.
Hmm... none really. Starbuck's, but that is for my cappuccino.

32. Do you own any fishing gear?
No, but I can fish! (I do tend to cast a lot.) Seriously, ALOT. ;)

32. Do you remember your first kiss?
Sure. I was about 1 minute old--the doctor kissed my cheek and said, "Yep. she is going to be a brat!"

33. Do you like kites?
Oh my gosh, 33 (is it not over yet?)

34. Are you emo?
Uh, I do not think so

35. Name something that's too large on your body.
Um, the top portion of my body (in the vicinity of 36th and York) ;)

36. Ever kissed a pet?
Silly question--they are all my pets. ;)

37. What color is your carpet?
I like tile. what is with these questions?

38. Do you know anyone in Kansas?
Hmm... Dorothy? Oh, and her little dog, too.

39. Do you like the rain?
Very much

40. Ever join the mile high club?
No, but I was in all the clubs in school. (I do not think that was one of them.) ;)

I am done replying to these for a bit-- not much more to know about me, I suppose. Not much more to say... I can be pretty boring. ;)

Raha

since I added two other best friends, I figure he deserves some attention. where to begin?

well, I am not always a good friend to him. I disappear for days at at time, then we talk on the phone to catch up, he confronts me on being elusive, I justify myself, he shakes his head, and we are good again. anyway, I love that image of him, because it shows how hard he works. he is a podiatrist, now working out of Dallas. his brother is a doctor as well, but not sure if he is in Miami or Texas now.

by the way, I have an image of him up at my myspace, it is in the "My heroes" area.

he and I make a great team. once we had planned a road trip. we would talk about all the things we would pack, laugh, and add more silly things to the list, like squirrel hats (for traveling through the Ozarks). we always found time to laugh as we went through med school. the last time we spoke on the phone, we were going to hang out, but I went to Rhode Island. he joined me since on a site, but we just get too busy to talk much anymore. I miss him.

whenever I felt sad over a boyfriend, I would call him. he always said he would come running. he has a heart of gold. he told me last year, "You know, Cher, all my ex-girfriends were jealous of you." I did not know what to say. I mean, why? I suppose some women get that way when a loved one has friends of the opposite sex, yea? I do not know.

I showed him a poem I had written (not sure if it is posted in my blog) and he commented so sweetly. he has always enjoyed reading my work and would ask me to send him something when exhausted. he has supported everything I have ever done. (he is a writer too, btw.)

when I get my act together, and stop being so elusive, I am going to give him the biggest hug, tell him how much I love him, and that he is not only my best friend, but my hero.

I have written about 3 and plan on adding more here and there, as I post into my blog in the future.

Jo

You know, this is my heart. I would die without her. I will always be there to protect her from harm, to share her tears, and to celebrate her happiness. Jo is the most beautiful friend. She is giving. funny, and clever. And I always send her my photos that I can not make more presentable.

You see, Jo is a photographer as well, and she is bursting with talent, so she is my inspiration and photo fixer. ;) We share so much; good and bad times, secrets, and dreams. We are sisters and best friends.

I love you, Jo. Never forget that.

Dawn

she is one of my best friends and such a good one. between dawn and jo... I am so grateful.

anyway, here is something she gave me just now...


View this on LiveDigital

the lyrics:

don’t mind if you stay longer You have not been any trouble I don’t want you to go home yet Can you just stay ten more minutes You are my best friend I don’t know how I’d live How I love you every square inch Love your brown eyes your forgiveness Don’t go home now it’s past midnight You can sleep here we’ll have breakfast You are my greatest gift I don’t know how I’d live You are my saving grace You are my heart my true friend

and her words..

For my best friend, Cher!!! I love you more than you could possibly imagine!! Thank you for everything!!!! I love you, all of you head to toe ~ heart to soul!! You are my heart, my true friend!! Love always, Dawn

dawn, you are such a beautiful friend. on some days, I do not know how I would make it without your warmth and tenderness. you come by and your smile had me forgetting any other mood I may have been in. you are a true angel.

I am so thankful for the friendships I have been given. thank you, dawn. I love you, too. very, very much.

"We scream to avoid suffering in silence" - Darren Hayes

"Love is for fools that fall behind."

gosh, it is just one of those nights when I elude everyone and write. I am very elusive to say the least. I really have no excuse for that. I have hurt many people being this way. when I get too close to the opposite sex, I am worse. if I feel myself getting that warm feeling, I make a left and get the heck out of there. and I do not think it cool or hip, I just am that way anymore.

I think it is because when I open my heart to its fullest, it becomes hurt. the hurt is not the worst part--it is the guilt. I feel guilty for allowing myself to open up, believing the "silly little love lies", and trusting another with something so innocent and tender, as my heart.

not only that, I am finding it harder and harder to see someone who likes me for more than my looks. I want to be loved by someone fully. I want them to appreciate my photography and really be interested, as well as my other hobbies, such as writing. and I want to be interested in whatever they are, or at least support them in every way.

I have had some rough relationships. the funny thing is, I have not even had that many! so why must I have already experienced such displeasure? I had a boyfriend that kicked me so hard that he left his boot marks on my shin. why? well, I have no answer, but I can assure you, no one deserves such things. and somehow he turned it all around so our friends thought I was the bad one. well, his friends. he destroyed so many things that were close to me. there is the guilt... how could I allow this to happen? must have been my fault.

the bad part is that one of my patients had passed on. we were very close. when she passed, her family gave me an image of NY that was framed. they said she had asked this, because she knew how much I loved the city. I had written her a poem that was read at her wake, and then placed into her casket. I went to the funeral in long island, and loved her so very much. I would come to her floor just to help her--she had asked, because she only felt safe with me. she called me her angel, but she was the angel.

anyway, he was in a rage and destroyed that NY images and her funeral information, as well. that pain lives with me today. he had his good points, I assure you, but his rage was out of control. his story is a long one and I just do not feel like getting into it.

then we have someone whom I thought had the kindest heart in the world. he was my best friend. he was so perfect, until he slept with his assistant editor while I was where? in the hospital. my heart had stopped and I was rushed to the ER. I never spoke to him until I was out. some friends asked him where I was, but he did not know. he was much too busy swooning another-- some girl that he called on the phone to discuss the magazine and it ended up in late night phone calls all the time. my time with him lessened, of course. when I found out, I did not yell. I simply asked "you cheated on me?" and he replied with some answer. I replied "get lost loser" and never tried to contact him again. I never thought it would end. I truly believed in him. I am sure I must have made him stray for some reason. we never made love, so that could be it, but I doubt it--he was not that sort of person.

he contacted me this year, saying sorry and that he really had loved me, showing a piece of writing he once sent me. I replied with something, but he never answered. he did send a hug, though. remind me to never date a financial adviser/and editor. ;) (he had some very good points, though, but could break your heart with a snap from his mathematical fingers.)

oh, and my poor friend, "" who was beside me during the entire thing. I am sure he wanted to cut his throat. it makes me think of that scene in "Airplane" where the older woman hangs herself on the plane, because the guy is telling her his entire love situation. haha

why do guys do that? why do they ignore you? when there are men that would date you if given the chance? do they not see this or just not care? my favorite quote" Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option."

when a guy starts telling me how pretty I am right off the bat, my heels skid to a stop. I have so many faults. I cannot listen to how perfect I am. I may have some talent here and there or somewhere, but I have a heart. I am living breathing beautiful. not on the outside, but inside. I say that because I know I am kind to all people that I come across. I know my heart is kind and tender. I would never hurt another. and I do not dress in short skirts or tops. I am not like that. and I do not spit or curse, but I do not judge who do. and I like art and museums. and I love the ocean more than words could ever express. there is so much more to me than hair and whatever. I see so many girls who get much more attention than I do (and I get my share). they put images up with not much on, but a smile. I am beginning to think that men like those sorts more. I do not want to be like that. I do not care if I never get attention again. I just want to tell those girls to be themselves and the attention will still be there, but a better sort.

funny, so many of my close friends, like scott, have never told me I was pretty. well, they have complemented me on things and images of myself, but not in general conversation (jerk)... haha just joshing. actually, it is nice to carry on a conversation with the opposite sex that is alive, fun, and meaningful, without it being about me and how I am this or that. :)

and most of my friend matt's letters are so crazy funny, that I laugh out loud. he has the best stories. he even has some goat or something! oh my gosh, the tales that come out of texas. nick and I were close like that, but we rarely talk anymore.

anyway, my heart aches and the passion will drive me insane someday. I have so much in my blood, like I have said, sometimes I feel I may explode. I will not "just fall" and I will not let just anyone in.

and I am not a prude either. I may not have much experience or have fulfilled any fantasies, but that does not mean I am a prude. I dislike when put on the spot with words such as "you make me weak". I hear that from people that I am not even close to. I never have an answer for that. I just want to run. it is not like I sit here with strings and have mastered how to control men. you have no idea how many I have ran from. you see, they become close friends and I love that. then they fall in love.

at 15 I went to a ball and saw a guy that I used to be best friends with. he told me how I hurt him. you see, a few months before that, we went to phoenix for a dance. we went to south mountain after the dance with some friends. well, he asked if he could kiss me and then did. I never felt the same again. I felt uncomfortable around him. I never spoke to him until the night of that ball. I ruined a good friendship there.

two of my best friends, raha (a podiatrist) and trevor a funeral director are the easiest to talk to. I can tell them anything. (yes, raha and I had crushes at one point in 2002, I think.) I love him and I love trevor, but we are just pals. what I am getting at is, neither has fallen in love. I do not have to worry and can talk to them easily w/o feeling I have to elude some love lings. trevor has a boyfriend--we are like will and grace, he says. :)

then there are people that no matter where I am in life, they will be in my heart. they are people that I hold on a pedestal as far as friendship goes: matt, patrick, gary (he hates me this week!), jo, dawn, auggie, scott, april, bill, chris, tony, terri, micheal, stefan, mark, debi, lisa, rich, patrick, nick, trevor, jeremy, ramon, paolo, raha, tim, tom, paura, yoly, amanda, christine, harmony, don, kira, a few more LD friends that I absolutely love, and others. they live and breathe inside of me. I am sure I have forgotten a few.

random thought... ;)



(I have no idea where that came from!)

anyway, I like having men as friends, but dislike it when there comes a point in our relationship that he wants to date me. and how do they fall so easily for me? I am no one special, just a brat that loves medicine and cappuccino.

then we have this guy who built a huge home with me. it was a beautiful shea home in a place called, the pinnacles. he did a lot of things, but this one sticks out for some reason...(he was on a farm league) he had a baseball game. we were going to the fair after the game, so I got ready, but he never showed. he came at 9pm and was drunk. I guess they had won the game and held a keg party. then one night I made a romantic dinner and called him on his cell. I asked him to bring some Italian bread. well, he called me at 2am. so I guess you can figure the rest out.

I left not too long after that--left it all behind. I even gave him the brand new chevy silverado I had bought him for christmas. I should not have, it only had 80 miles, was red, and had all those doors. but you know, I just did not care. he really cried, even fell to the floor, but I left. you can only do so much to a person before they just do not love you anymore. it makes it easier that way to leave, I think.

and like I mentioned in a previous post, the one guy who swore he fell in love, but only wanted to talk to me when he felt like it. yes, he actually said that. I wish I could have stepped outside of my skin, just to see my own expression.



gosh, if he ever reads this, he will be upset for sure, but it is the truth. I mean, think about it. it cannot come across in a good way, no matter how you look at it, it is heartbreaking.

so that is why I have become elusive. I am not sure I am willing to go through any heartache. I am not sure I want to sit around listening to kelly clarkson songs or writing sad poetry. I love my music--it makes me happy. californication! ;)

so, do I keep running or do I stop to see what is around me? do I open myself and risk the pain? you know, you can never really answer that... you just do what you do.

the singing butler:



that is the way love should be. not sure I believe in fairy tales much anymore. oh, I have not given up, I am just very careful.

and yes, you may be thinking "but she writes such romantic poetry." I do, or try to. I love romance and I love "love"... I just have become the elusive butterfly at this point. it is something I am willing to work on.

feel free to leave your horror stories here. I would love to hear them.

Sunshower

I wanted to have a smile around. ;) finchè c'è vita c'è speranza, si? ;)

it is funny how so many think I look sad in some of my images. it is not that at all. in fact, I usually just look when my photo is being snapped. someone yells. "hey brat" and naturally, I am going to look, yea? ;)

here is a little something for today...

The Consequences of a Night Out

I stretch towards desert
highways, a hardship built
to suit.

The whites of his eyes
finger my curves,
my worth.

The stench fills my lungs
and I fall into silence
for clarity.

I feel the wind turn,
the round of my nipples
become enlarged,

I strike a match
and all that mattered
is not!

He asks my name,
my lips curl in modesty,
I look away.

They say, "Never try
to forget what you
are destined to remember..."

(I never was one
for bottlenecks
and substitution.)

A lonely guitar peels
away in the aftermath
as I brush off advances

with gasoline. And there
are no mirages here
in the west;

the sun
scorches his memory,
his wintered hands.

* I wrote this in 2002, I think.

Luciano Pavarotti 1935-2007

"When cancer finally stopped Pavarotti from singing, it was only the second interruption of his career."



Famed opera tenor Luciano Pavarotti, who appeared on stage with singers as varied as opera star Dame Joan Sutherland, U2's Bono and Liza Minnelli, died Thursday after suffering from pancreatic cancer, his manager Terri Robson said in a statement. He was 71.

"The great tenor, Luciano Pavarotti, died today at 5:00 a.m. at his home in Modena, the city of his birth," according to Robson.

"The Maestro fought a long, tough battle against the pancreatic cancer which eventually took his life. In fitting with the approach that characterized his life and work, he remained positive until finally succumbing to the last stages of his illness."

The portly singer retired from staged opera in 2004, but was on a "farewell tour" of concerts when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006 and underwent emergency surgery to remove the tumor.

Although the remaining concerts of his tour were canceled, his management said that he hoped to resume the tour in 2007.

But in early August, Pavarotti was hospitalized in Modena with a fever and released 17 days later after undergoing diagnostic tests.

Pavarotti is survived by his wife, Nicoletta Mantovani, and a daughter, Alice, along with three grown daughters by his first wife, Adua Veroni, whom he divorced in 2000, and a granddaughter.

According to Robson, his wife, daughters and sister, along with other relatives and friends were at his side when he died.

I read somewhere today that he had taken ill, and was being cared for at home. I said a small prayer for him, as I loved his talent, smile, and personality so very much. now as I am going back to bed, I read that he passed away. it is a sad day for many. my heart and all its love goes out to his family. I have a video of him singing with darren hayes over at livedigital...

O Sole Mio

it will forever be a part of me. I am going to wipe my silly tears and go back to sleep. xo




luciano, rest in peace and know, you will never be forgotten.

and...

I have been happy this week--extremely. it is a good feeling to laugh and just relax. sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane, that we forget about all the "every things" that make us shine.

autumn is arriving, as well. it is one of my favorite times of the year. I cannot wait to step out and take in all the scents and vibrant colors. I cannot wait to carve a pumpkin and pass candy to all the little vampires, princesses, witches, and such. oh, they make me laugh--love it.

I shot this image last year...



me going as a vampire for Halloween last year. the original was scanned--I did not like how it turned out, so I gave it ink outlines and such. and I did not have my cape on the entire time, nor did I show my fangs! (how was I to get my prey that way?) ;)



then it will be Christmas. I wish so badly to spend some time in New York City during this. I suppose I will, if only for a day or two. in fact, I might go next weekend to shoot some scenes in black and white. I was supposed to do that earlier, but never had the time. I love being there, and look forward to returning.

wow, this year has flown by. I cannot say it was a good year, but I will say that I welcome the next. I miss last year--sitting in my sun room, laughing, being less restricted in a sorts. I do not miss last Autumn, but I do miss my sister. I have not contacted her family very much since her death. I do not know what is wrong with me. it is just that each time I see her daughter's blog, it kills me inside, it reopens what I have pushed to the back of my head. I really must be stronger and less selfish. It was the worst thing to happen to our family and I am no good with any of it. I pulled myself away from the situation this year. I am sorry for that.

funny how bringing up Autumn brought about those last lines. we never forget, we just chose what to remember. now my thoughts seem to scatter and that happiness that began in this post, has turned to sad. I have a meeting to go to, but before I go, I am going to brush up on my smiles. I will be okay--always am. I have learned to take care of myself alone, and to keep my walls up just high enough to keep out heartache. I have no walls for my sister, only resistance to the reality of her being gone.

I am only me and sometimes that can never be good enough.

random thought: some girl on some sight called me ugly, and that I should not post another image of myself. I did not know if I should laugh or frown. I have never been called that, and I wonder if it is some sort of childhood game or grade school learning. I never replied to her rant, but shook my head in disbelief that a grown person could shout out such a silly statement. I do not know her really, nor she, me, but still it was all a very odd thing to see. I never thought of myself being ugly or not. in fact, I do not think I even use that word. even if I were ugly as she states, who really cares. I am above such shallowness.

I share so much here in my blog. it is my diary of sorts and this is me.

on a good note, I just thought of all the "every things" that made me smile this week. I am smiling at those "every things" as I finish typing these last lines.

(now that is the way I like to go out on my blog.)

ciao and happy labor day, my friends. :)